Is Santa Dead?

At 4:22 this morning, my family was awoken by a siren and then a boom. Reviews of news reports during the mandatory stay in our bomb shelter showed that a Houthi ballistic missile had been intercepted in the outer atmosphere by the Israeli anti-missile system. I can personally confirm that these reports are untrue. When we woke up to get our kids ready for school, we noticed a single decorative bell hanging from one of our fruit trees. We don’t celebrate Christmas and we don’t decorate our trees.

It didn’t take long for us to work out what had happened.

At 4:13 am, Santa departed from one of the very few Christian houses in northern Yemen. He did not attempt to clear his entry into Israel with the IDF, and his radar cross-section was misidentified as being that of a Houthi ballistic missile. In response to what was apparently the second Houthi attack in as many nights, a single Arrow anti-ballistic missile interceptor was launched.

While we sat in our bomb shelters, Santa may have been shot down.

Calls placed to the IDF Spokesperson’s office did confirm that an error in flying object identification might have occurred and that an investigation is ongoing. As the Spokesman’s office reported, “We thought Santa was a mythical creature. We really hadn’t programmed his flight profile into our defensive systems. We always recommend that those attempting to enter Israeli airspace clear their entries with our civil authorities.”

Reactions to the reports of Santa’s possible demise have been mixed. Traditionalist Catholics were quietly celebrating. For decades, they have been assailing Santa for undermining the true meaning of Christmas. Meanwhile, Chinese President Xi Jinping was ordering extensive crackdowns due to the possible impact of Santa’s removal on China’s already battered manufacturing economy and rising unemployment. Major US retailers have had a variety of reactions. At Target, there was grave concern that "Santa" would not place orders in the coming year. The result has been a 6% drop in the company’s share price. Meanwhile, at Hobby Lobby, where Santa has long been considered a direct competitor, shares rose 3%. And, yes, some liberal-leaning pundits were reportedly telling Hobby Lobby executives to “grow up.”

As of this writing, FlightRadar24 users have reported on X that they believe they have verified that Santa survived the encounter with the Arrow missile system. A transponder identifying as an Aerion supersonic business jet was spotted over the region. Aerion went bankrupt prior to successful test flights. The transponder briefly turned off during its approach to Israeli air space, but it was seen leaving again approximately 5 minutes later. It is believed by these armchair analysts that the Arrow missile system may have ‘winged’ Rudolf, slightly damaging Santa’s sleigh, but did not — repeat, did not — actually kill Santa.

Calls placed to the North Pole were not answered.

Was Santa shot down? Short of a definitive analysis from the Israeli Air Force, it is likely that we will have to wait until next year to identify while Ho Ho 1 is still flying.

For those of my readers who celebrate, Merry Christmas!

To everybody else, have a great Wednesday!

—

p.s. I hope this didn’t offend you, but you gotta find something funny about somebody shooting ballistic missiles at you, right?

(Get all my material on josephjcox.substack.com.)