Opening the Dire Strait of Hormuz: The Guam Gambit

This Iran conflict is dragging on, despite a useless M.O.U., and we’ve all learned a lot of Iranian geography this past year. We sit in our barcaloungers and plot strategery regarding Kharg Island and the Strait of Hormuz.

That strait sure has a lot of obstacles. It’s like maritime mini-golf, it just needs a windmill. So many islands. You know Abu Musa, the two Tunbs, Larak and Hormuz, Hengam and Qesm and Donner and Blitzen. Each presents danger and difficulty for ships that pass in the night.

Let’s start with the military operation: The first step is to go down to the waterline. We take the smallest islands first. We flood them with people wearing life vests (perhaps criminal illegal immigrants or Antifa/Queers for Palestine activists. I haven’t decided on the best group. I think homegrown activists tend to be heavier, so let’s choose them; that way we will need fewer.)

We put so many of them on one of the islands until it capsizes and sinks into the sea. We rescue the people (halfheartedly), then we repeat the process on the next island, and so on until the strait is clear.

Now, before you sing my praises and write folk songs about me—let alone fill out a Nobel Prize nomination form—all credit goes to Georgia Rep. Hank Johnson for birthing this idea a few years back. To paraphrase Woody Guthrie, “This world was lucky to see him born.”