My Dinner With Lauren

I hadn’t seen my old acquaintance Lauren Windsor in some time. So I was surprised when she called and suggested we meet for dinner.

The waiter took our orders, then returned with a basket of bread and a bottle of Merlot. He pulled the cork and poured for us.

Lauren asked if I heard that while posing as a conservative Christian, she had secretly recorded a conversation with Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito. I replied that it was certainly getting a lot of press attention.

She looked at me intently and complained that what she called her “revelations” were not being taken seriously enough. “Anyone who recognizes Alito’s coded language can tell that he’s really a Christian nationalist,” she said. “Everyone knows what those people want, don’t you think?”

“As far as I know, they want laws based on some of the ethical principles that can also be found in Christianity and other faiths,” I answered.

She leaned toward me and whispered darkly. “Yes, OTHER faiths. It’s not just the Christians who are behind this, if you know what I mean.”

I must have looked puzzled.

“The Christians are just the tip of the iceberg. Are you aware that there is a statue of Moses carved on the Supreme Court building? Do you think Alito has ever brought attention to that?”

“But Hermon MacNeil’s sculpture is famous,” I pointed out. “It’s been there for decades.”

Lauren gave a condescending little sneer. “So maybe we should add some statues of Confederate generals as well? Is that your point? Or maybe a few of those saints that Catholics like Alito are so fond of?”

It was time to try for a more positive tone. “I’m sure it’s possible to be both a good citizen and a good Catholic,” I said.

“Let’s not kid ourselves, okay?” she snapped. “This goes all the way up to the Vatican and its Pope-etmaster. That’s been common knowledge for centuries.”

She glanced furtively at another diner wearing a black suit and Roman collar.

“You know, I tried to do a follow-up interview with Alito’s parish priest. He refused to discuss what ‘His Honor’ said during his last confession,” she said. “So much for transparency.”

Lauren took a sip of her Merlot. She winced, then beckoned for the waiter.

In a hushed tone, she said, “I think this wine is transubstantiating.” The waiter apologized and took the bottle back to the kitchen.

Lauren cast a suspicious glance at the bread on the table.

“You know, I forgot all about an important appointment,” I said nervously. “Gotta run, but dinner’s on me.”

I took out some cash and laid it on the table. Lauren glanced at it and read, “In God we trust.”

“What’s this country coming to?” she said bitterly.