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Talking Dirty
My two oldest boys have just completed their freshman year in college. About 12 years ago, when they were 7 and 8 respectively I walked in on them while they were browsing the web. They fell all over themselves trying to be the first one to turn off the monitor and I knew they were into something they shouldn’t have been.
“What’s going on, boys?”
“Nothin’…”
“Yeah? Let’s see.”
As I turned the monitor back on they scrambled out of the room. I was left looking at an attractive, naked blonde conducting a “Full Lewinski” on a well endowed (and faceless) man.
That prompted “The Talk,” the one that starts with the idea that pornography is not representative of real sex inside a committed relationship, veers over to respecting women as human beings and ends with the promise of complete castration if I ever caught them doing it again. (“Remember, men, I know where you sleep. You’ll never know what hit you!”)
Not too long after that incident my wife discovered that she was pregnant with Xerox and that became the ultimate teaching tool. We watched PBS specials on the miracle of life. I became brutally honest in answering questions and answered a lot of questions that, much to their chagrin, hadn’t even been asked. After that, a year of baby poop and middle of the night screaming sessions taught both the boys and their older sister that sex has consequences. And some of them are loud, some of them are smelly, and usually it’s both at the same time.
Last fall, as they entered college, we had a sequel — “The Talk II.” But that was all about sexual politics on today’s campuses, all about avoiding feminists and accepting the fact that every teacher, every resident hall assistant and every female student was one unfounded accusation of ending every dream they ever had for themselves. (Marine was spared a lot of it as his NCOs in the Corps have their own versions of “The Talk” and the DOD spends quite a bit of time harassing the troops about sex.)
In the next six weeks, Xerox will be turning 12. Puberty has come to call and left his card. Consequently, we’ve been dancing around “The Talk” for some time now. This time things are decidedly different and not just because the wife and I won’t be producing a little miracle of life as a teaching aid. (That, as the environmentalists say, is an unsustainable model.) Even sex itself has changed.
And I’m not the only one to notice. Rebecca Reid is a freelance journalist who writes about sex for The Telegraph. She is not, by any stretch of the imagination, politically conservative. Yet in her column published this morning she laments that “normal sex” has all but disappeared.
She writes:
It seems lazy to blame porn for this shift, but I can’t help thinking it has to shoulder a whole lot of responsibility. Films that feature slower, more intimate sex between a couple are almost exclusively marketed as ‘female interest’. Somehow, vanilla sex — the type that would once have been considered ‘normal’ — has become a fetish or niche interest within its own right.
And because it’s targeted solely at women, young men aren’t growing up with exposure to it. Instead they’re seeing (violent and fetish sex) presented as a sexual fait accompli.*
Like most women whose politics are defined by sex, she takes no responsibility for what feminists and their “progressive” views have done to society.
What makes me pause is that there is a young man on Xerox’s Little League team whose last name is “Gray” and I caught his teammates calling him “50 Shades” the other day. What I don’t know is how much they know or whether they just picked that up through the culture.
This certainly doesn’t make me want to see my son exposed to “traditional” porn, but it does makes me wonder how fundamentally different the talk on the playground has become, not just from when I was young, but just since my older sons were his age.
In any event I’m afraid “The Talk” is going to be a lot more complicated and I’m not looking forward to it. But the part where I threaten to castrate him, that stays in.
*It amazes me that mainstream media has become so blasé about sex that they regularly use terms that even Hugh Hefner wouldn’t have used a decade ago and are not conducive to our Code of Conduct.
Published in General
I might see if I can get my daughter to write a version of the talk she gives to schoolkids the age of your young ‘un about Sexting. She gives it to parents, too—and says that parents haven’t a clue about what’s out there, and what the risks actually are.
By the way, she passed her polygraph! Only the Colonel’s Interview to go…
Brilliant!
An excellent post by one of Ricohet’s most underappreciated writers.
The Angry Birds movie has pulled in over $150 million so far, meaning it’s popular. My niece and I saw about half of it before a storm knocked out the power.
It includes jokes like “Pluck my life!” During a big party, a dancing character rips off his pants and throws them to the crowd like a stripper. Another scene has a close-up of a butt being shaken in similar fashion.
Little kids won’t understand any of it. But I don’t recall the adult jokes in Bugs Bunny cartoons being similarly vulgar. Kids mimic these things whether they understand them or not.
That’s important.
Sooooooo……you’re moving on to the fetish stuff as well.
Absolutely agree, wholeheartedly!
Naw. It’s like nuclear deterrence. It works best when they think that you just may be crazy enough to do it.
You named a child Xerox?
It’s a nickname so as not to reveal that his real name is Aloysius.
All of my children have nicknames here. My oldest is our girl, Miss Teacher (or Baby Girl), there’s Marine, Future Tony Winner and Xerox. The youngest gained this distinction by being a carbon copy of Marine. Not a day goes by when he’s not wearing something branded with the Eagle, Globe and Anchor. It goes with his high-and-tight and his BCG glasses.
They deserve their anonymity.
Of course parents don’t have a clue. For some reason they think their children will tell them what’s going on but the main problem is that they aren’t around. Kids always know where the empty houses are, and there are plenty of them.
I like the threats, EJ. Without fear there is no civilization. Kate, I’m glad your daughter is instilling fear in parents, too. Yup, fear, our best friend.
I’m sure you’ve taught your boys to cherish and respect the women in their lives, so you are halfway there. Testosterone is a powerful force, but civilized men, gentlemen, can retain self-control. Alcohol is a threat to self control, so make sure that alcohol is a part of the talk. Also pictures of the ravages of VD will make an impression.
Oh, Okay.
This guy ran a “social experiment” to prove to clueless parents just what kind of dangers are lurking on social media.
Fancy restaurants aren’t necessarily representative of dinner at home either. Except that, sometimes, it can be. If you go through a lot of effort. Is every day going to be delight of the senses? Its possible, if you decide that is how you want to spend your time. Most likely, you are going to come up with a half dozen things that work and then go with that.
Besides girls are between 2 or 3 times more depraved than the guys are so, you need to be talking to your boys about what the girls are into, and that they are allowed to say no…. that what they want in a relationship matters, yada yada yada.
All that said, I was prepared for all 18 years of boy problems. I have experience in that one. But then Micro_guru was born and out popped the wrong anatomy, so now I am a little at sea. But thankfully right now, the biggest problem is getting mushy food in the eye.
Deep waters here, EJ. Thanks for sharing.
(And no, “deep waters” is NOT a euphemism, at least that I’m aware of…)
I listened recently to a radio discussion about pornography here in Ireland (previously “The Land of Saints and Scholars”). Basically a group of experts sagely blamed it for all the many problems of early sexualisation- the feminist contributor took the more sophisticated position that the real problem was the inability of males to control themselves and that porn was just a catalyst.
Entirely absent from the conversation was the effect of the popular culture,which bombards children with sex, sex ,sex (and no small amount of drugs). This pervades music, TV, movies and, as for social media…! Parents can do so much but short of living on a mountain-top with no electronic devices, there’s no escape.
Not so long ago I was in a supermarket with two of my daughters, about 10 and 14 at the time. Playing on the loudspeaker was a then current pop- song- ” What’s My Name?” by Drake and Rhianna. Fine for adult consumption, but totally inappropriate for kids. I complained. I may as well have asked them to make the rain stop outside.
Then there’s a lunchtime radio show with its pop quiz which plays the chorus of the catchy pop song “Horny, Horny, Horny” when someone wins!
Older folk have been raging against youth culture since long before Elvis Presley’s hips but I don’t think that culture has ever been so extreme or pervasive. It is the enemy of the parent. Pornography is just a part of it.
“And some of them are loud, some of them are smelly, and usually it’s both at the same time.”
But only if you’re doing it right.
Everything has an associated euphemism. Just see Better Call Saul S2E2 “Cobbler”.
I’m afraid to search “deep waters” on Urban Dictionary.
EJ,
Thanks so much for sharing this. I grew up with girls and we’re raising boys, so it’s a bit of a change. I find conversations in the car (where there doesn’t have to be eye contact) or giving my son’s permission to not look at me when we are discussing “those” topics helps the conversation go farther…that’s probably because I’m the mom, right?
This summer we plan to dive into this sermon series with my teenage son: The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating with particular emphasis on the sermon “Gentleman’s Club.” He likes the pastor/speaker so it’s not too punitive.
Like the castration threat, though it’s probably more effective coming from Dad than me
EJ, this is funny, sad, and scary.
Guru is right that the talk should include safeguarding a boy’s dignity from predator girls. My son was exceptionally unreceptive to advice and his father not inclined give talks so I tried to work the lack-of -opportunity angle as best I could. I discovered that you cannot count on other parents to be on the same page there.
My son has a wonderful relationship with his partner and I think it’s because the most important factor is what he saw at home- that his father was never less than kind and affectionate with his mother. I bet your boys will benefit from an excellent example.
The problem is not dealing with the “new normal,” because there is no normal. Everything is supposed to be normal. It’s left to the individual. But so is perversion.
So the boy thinks “X” is normal and so does the girl. Then she starts to experience “X” and decides it’s not. Even if she yells “Stop!” or “No!” and the boy backs off and apologizes she has an unlimited opportunity to ruin his life. Six months or six years down the road she can cry rape.
And the progressives like the chaos. Sexually confused young men and the power trip of a lynch mob where the accuser is always to be believed. (Unless the accused is a political ally. Then it’s “just sex” again.)
I teach biology. When it comes to the reproduction unit, I try to encourage them asking questions because it is important to dispel misconceptions and know the truth. Last year the questions were utterly bizarre (due to internet exposure) and I had to shut it down. Mostly teaching chem this year so the opportunity didn’t come up. Not sure how I will approach it in the future.
As long as you’re not teaching chemistry as a way to get to the biology you’re ok.
We had a discussion like this once before on Ricochet. Does anyone remember it?
Among other things, there was mention that a sexual act now commonly referenced in entertainment and considered mundane by younger generations was in the 1950s associated with prostitutes (dehumanized tools) only.
You can always count on entertainers to keep pushing. With notable exceptions, actors, comedians, and musicians have frequently spoken of pushing the boundaries of censorship since the early 20th century, at least. Even ancient peoples understood that a primary role of the arts is to model expectations and aspirations.
Sometimes we conservatives are just as guilty. Remember the discussion about Trump’s tiny “hands”?
If women claim that advertising, movies and pornography “send the wrong message” about body types for them, what seeds have we sown for our boys? That you have to be a freak of nature to be considered “merely adequate”?
Boys need to hear the message from the song in Camelot:
How to handle a woman?
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir:
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her…simply love her…
Merely love her…love her…love her.
Another conversation I heard on the radio recently was between two psychologists agreeing that one of the major causes of mental ill-health in teenage girls is the pressure to be sexually active before they are ready. Now there’s an epidemic you won’t hear too much about!
One of the more mild advertisements that children are mercilessly exposed to on the way to school in the city.
I don’t know where this is coming from but there must be a general acceptance that crap like this has a negligible effect on the mind of a growing child.
People go out of their way to cram sexual innuendo into otherwise harmless advertisements.
And it’s only going to get worse.
Enjoyed the post.
Ty.