Tag: song parodies

Member Post

 

I keep getting all these pots and these plantsBut in a short time they’re all covered in antsThere’s no water ’cause my mind’s somewhere elseThey’re turning brown while they’re up on the shelf. Ficus KillerPoor dead trees,La-la-la-la-laaaa-la-la-la-laaaah,wither wither, wither awaaaay, oh oh ohAy Yi Yi Yi! Preview Open

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The Pagan Origins of Popular Christmas Songs

 

Amidst all the debate over whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie, or this or that song should or should not be played over the holiday season, or even over whether Christmas started as a pagan holiday, I thought it important to bring some historical perspective to the matter.  You see, most people are actually woefully historically ignorant of some of the most pernicious of pagan customs that have not only found their way into modern culture, but were deliberately planted there.  And so I have here marked out just some of the more blatant examples.

Last Christmas, by Wham.  This song’s origins as an Aztec sacrificial lament are encoded right there in the chorus for all to hear.  Of course, the setting is more modern (Aztecs not having access to modern drum sets, or Boy George for that matter), but the lyrics and the melody are lifted right from ancient writing found on numerous Aztec temples throughout Meso-America.  The holiday of “Christmas” was simply swapped out from the more ancient Aztec term for Winter Solstice, which is primarily why the new version needed a 4/4 drum beat, instead of the older Aztec 17/7 beat, which was ideally suited for the rhythmic plunging of obsidian blades.  Thus in its original, the chorus reads:

Schadenfreude

 

Schadenfreude, darling, Schadenfreude
Thank for all the joy and pain.
Clinton’s blows, Oval Office was the place they’d meet
On your feet, be discrete, now get beat.

Schadenfreude, Biden, Schadenfreude
Thank you for shotgun blasts through my door.
I recall VP’s house in fall — how he got undressed,
what a mess, he won’t confess, that’s not all.

Schadenfreude, Rich Dem’s Schadenfreude,
Thank you for balks down mem’ry’s arcade
I can see nail marks on your palms
Reputations gone for all time
Thee and thine, hiding all the time

Comey Chameleon

 

With mild apologies to Boy George (and really, I hardly needed to change these verses at all).

Is there loving in your eyes all the way?
If I listen to your lies, would you say?
You’re a man without conviction
You’re a man who doesn’t know
How to sell a contradiction
You come and go, you come and go

[Chorus]
Comey, Comey, Comey, Comey, Comey chameleon
You come and go, you come and go
Testifyin’ would be easy if your memos were like my dreams
Redacted, justified, short and mean