Tag: protocols

What Happened To My Mask Mandate?


God has taken your mask mandate to live with Him in heaven: it’s a very special place where wars and diseases and billionaires don’t exist, only contentment. I’m sure you’ve experienced some wondrous places – on vacation in Costa Rica, watching Netflix or listening to NPR – but heaven is a gazillion times more joyous than even downtown Portland or Minneapolis. John Lewis and Woodrow Wilson live in heaven and so do Maya Angelou and George Floyd. Your mask mandate will be safe and happy in heaven forever, and God will always take care of it.

You can still wear a mask – you will always be able to wear a mask – but you can’t force anyone else to wear one, not ever. That probably sounds pretty harsh. One day you’re relishing the satisfaction that comes from imposing your militant risk aversion on people who don’t share your assessment and the next day you wake up to find freedom of choice is the order of the day. Maybe you got a bad feeling in your stomach or a feeling of emptiness or maybe you have those feelings still. You loved your mask mandate very, very much and you did not want God to take it away.

Your feelings are perfectly normal and natural – they are the way God made you – but God took your mask mandate in accordance with His wonderful plan, which is beyond our understanding. You must trust and have faith that He loves your mask mandate just as He loves you or Medicare For All. Someday, a very, very long time from now, after you have lived a very long and happy life with the Green New Deal, God will take you to live with Him in heaven, too. Then you will understand.