Princeton has created a position called the “Men’s Engagement Manager.”

The purpose of the position is to “combat aggressive masculinity and ‘challenge gender stereotypes’ on campus.” Of course, the Men’s Engagement Manager (MEM, from here out) must be certified. I figure I got it locked. You can’t get more “certified” than me. Well, as an Army guy (I never did an inter-service transfer to try out for the SEALs because I have no use for blow-dryers, never use eye liner, and have no aspirations to be either an actor or a member of SAG). I will hook you up, and channel the latent potential of the lads attending your university away from rape, sexual harassment, misogyny, and violence and toward being steadfast, creative, reliable members of society that would deploy neither insult nor violence without the moral, righteous provocation that demanded it. I know, Princeton, that I don’t possess the Ivy League bona fides you are looking for — heck, I never even took a women’s studies course — but I hope my stamp of approval from the United States Military Academy at West Point, my follow-on career, and the fact that I’ve led, trained, coached and mentored young men in the hundreds if not the thousands will let me waiver the Ivy League nepotism requirement.