This afternoon a small fire broke out in one of the bedrooms of Hillary Clinton’s home in Chappaqua, NY. Causes of the fire have not been made available to the public despite rumors that the brief blaze may have been doused by several bottles of Chardonnay. Others have speculated that Chardonnay may have been, in fact, the cause of the fire. Still others have speculated that an end table lamp may have been thrown against one of the bedroom walls accidentally starting the blaze.

A spokesperson for the Chappaqua Fire Department has stated that, after they were able to locate her and carefully decipher her speech, Mrs. Clinton appears to have been unharmed in the incident and that electronic equipment (computers, email servers, iPads, smartphones) as well as numerous State Department documents (and compromising photos of both Republican and Democrat colleagues and friends) were not damaged. The spokesperson also expressed concern that there seemed to be numerous smoking guns around the house that required further examination but that this would be beyond the scope of the Fire Department’s particular investigation and that some other law enforcement agencies may want to check them out.