It appears that carnage of the culture war has creeped into the crooked world of crustacean concupiscence, as millenial mutant malacostracae marmorkrebs march from Madagascar to Malmö. It is a tale of tails, of invasions of illegal arthropods, and cloning crayfish outcompeting their more cautious cousins. You see, these pestilential parthenogenic pleocyematae progeny did first appear in a pet shop in Germany, these 25 years past, and their great profligacy permitted their apportioning to appreciably distant domains, where, bored of their endless and otherwise uninteresting aquatic devourings, their owners discarded their unwanted decapods in ways unwonted in innocent waters, and now the fecund flitters are forcibly fanning out the world over.

Now, you may ask what’s so bad about these crayfish? It appears the carapaced critters embody the worst stereotypes of the entire culture war into one marbled menace:

1. They are Millenials: Having been spawned within the last 25 years, and so come of age during the self-esteem nonsense, the internet, and the endless need for self-affirmation.
2. They reject male and female labels: And why not? They can reproduce entirely asexually, in endless clones of themselves. No need for labels here. They were Born Hatched this Way!
3. As Perfect Feminists, they don’t even need males: Yes, these mudbugs have achieved what should be the feminist nirvana. They have created a world where males are entirely unnecessary. I think it’s rather symbolic, though, that crayfish are notoriously cannibalistic, as their world is truly one that will devour its own.
4. They never date, never get married, and always live in their mother’s fishtank (until she eats them, which opens some interesting Oedipal issues), onanistically “enjoying” BBC documentaries rather than getting out into the real stream, meeting other crayfish, or asserting themselves as mature adults.
5. They are illegal aliens:  As such, they are taking away decent bottom-feeding jobs from other, more deserving native-born bottom feeders, doing the jobs that native-born can’t or won’t do: Seriously – these mutants can directly digest cellulose, something most other decapods can’t do without the aid of bacterial assists. Since they don’t need to actually meet any others of their kind to spawn, they’ve got a higher fertility rate than any native-born species.

So, yes, our culture war has reached even into the animal kingdom, and has polluted the depths of the muddy streams, the world over. It is fitting that it should all be symbolized so neatly in a Millenial Onanistic Arthropod.