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In the very early hours yesterday morning, I was walking through a residential area of Casper, WY, in search of a discarded Bernie Sanders yard sign. From out of nowhere I was tackled from behind by two men in fleece vests and pastel polo shirts with extra starch. They knocked me to the ground shouting “An independent voice for Utah!” The phrase carried no meaning for me at the time but I’ve subsequently learned that it’s the slogan of Evan McMullin’s campaign for the US Senate.
I believe the attack was motivated by my outspoken support for Utah Senator Mike Lee.
Startled and with the wind knocked out of me, I observed that the two men quickly became winded themselves as they lamely attempted to strike me with Lincoln Project fly swatters ($10). Needless to say, as a conservative I take my physical fitness very seriously and easily overcame the two paunchy attackers by removing their loafers and beating them repeatedly about the face as they shouted “Save the USPS!” and “Stop! I’m David Frum!”