Washington, DC – Dr. Anthony Fauci received his second vaccine dose today, which experts say will leave him fully immunized from criticism, fact-checks, or charges of not following The Science™. A spokesperson for the CDC said that Dr. Fauci, in an effort to avoid picking winners or losers among American pharmaceutical firms, chose a vaccine engineered by scientists from the Wuhan Institute of Virology.

After receiving his second injection in two weeks, Fauci was told by the woman administering his second dose that he may feel temporary pain or discomfort near the injection site. “Does that mean I shouldn’t come near this building?” said Fauci, an apparent attempt at humor which had reporters present outdoing one another with hysterical laughter and chants of “Give. Him. A. Raise.”

When asked by a reporter when we should expect the coronavirus pandemic to be over, Fauci quoted pre-med student John Blutarski: “Over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!” Fauci then gave reporters a thumbs-up sign, stated that he felt fine, and added that if all goes well Americans should be able to remove their second mask when home alone sometime by mid-October of 2022.