Should Parents of Adult Children Let Them Move Back Home After Graduation?

 

On Rush’s show yesterday he mentioned this recent survey that came out and was posted on Yahoo! News.

About half of students expect to be supported financially by their parents for up to two years after graduation, according to a new survey of 500 students and 500 parents released Tuesday by Upromise, the savings division of Sallie Mae, the student lender.

And almost half of students surveyed said they would be willing to pay their parents rent if they moved back home post-graduation, the survey found. Only 5% of parents say they would not let their child move back in with them after graduation.

When I graduated college in 2000 I assume the numbers were similar, but perhaps more like 30% to 40% expected to move back home. However, the job market was better then and college was slightly cheaper. My parents were in the 5% who didn’t want me moving back. So I moved out after college while most of my friends moved back home. I had some crappy apartments and a crappy car. When my friends living rent free at mom and dad’s would ask me if I wanted to go someplace, many times I had to decline because the rent was due.

This experience forced me to grow up in a way that many of my friends didn’t, or at least it took longer for them. Also, you’d think they would have saved money while not paying for living expenses, but many didn’t. They spent their money on a nicer car, clothes, or vacations than they should’ve had. Many of my friends now admit that they didn’t start saving until they moved out on their own.

My friends’ experience is not unique. More and more often, kids expect to graduate only to come back home for a few years and depend on their parents again for support. No wonder so many of those college kids went nuts when Obama announced that they could stay on their parents’ health insurance plan until they were 26. I was married and bought a house at 26.

I know many of you have college-aged kids or even adult kids living at home, and I understand the economic conditions, the job market, etc. But here is another quote from the article:

Some 36% of parents say they expected to support their children financially for more than two years, up from just 18% last year, and only 2.8% of parents expect their kids to have a full-time job after college and only one-quarter see them having any kind of job in their chosen field when they graduate. And if they moved in with their parents after graduation, 20% of students expect it would be at no cost to themselves.

If these kids expect their parents to support them financially, doesn’t that incentivize them not to find work or to reject jobs that are not “up to their standards?” When I was on my own I got laid off and was unable to collect unemployment. I had to find a job fast and was able to do that. Was it the best job in the world? No, but I had a job and was able to work while looking for something better.

I get that it’s not an easy decision and every kid is different. But are we doing these young people favors by keeping them dependent on their parents for that long? They are calling this the “new normal” but do we want this to be the new normal, that the typical young American adolescence goes on into their 30s?

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  1. Ricochet Inactive
    Ricochet
    @MoxieMom

    I graduated from college having been accepted to graduate school (and also engaged to my recently-graduated future husband). ‘Lived at home and worked an office job/paid internship that summer, then married and moved to live hundreds of miles away from both of our families. We were poor as church mice (me grad school, him entry level publishing job), but I believe that living those first two years in lousy married student housing struggling with all of the “firsts” of setting up housekeeping strengthened our relationship. For one thing, there was no running home to Mama when we had an argument. And, being in the Southside of Chicago, you bet your britches if one of us stormed off, we were home by dark! LOL

    (Biggest piece of advice I give young couples is to never drag your friends or family into your domestic arguments. Work it out between yourselves privately.)

    Families around here seem to always have either their own kids (or sometimes nephews or grandkids) living in their basements. Often they house them even after those “kids” are married. IMHO it extends childhood in an unhealthy way. And I also think it strains the parents’ relationship at a time when they should focus on each other.

    Leave the nest. Return for emergencies only.

    • #1
  2. Ricochet Inactive
    Ricochet
    @PleatedPantsForever

    You graduated in 2000? I graduated in 2000. Was that you who beat me in darts at Heggerty’s on Wells during $6 pitcher night in 1999?

    I moved out within 2 months of graduating and had some bad apartments as well but, to your point, I had a much better youth unemployment rate to deal with. I also had a girlfriend who wanted to get engaged….which can be motivating

    I agree with your concern on pushing adulthood out too far. When you are not an adult until 30 and marry years after that – biology eventually catches up – so when can kids be fit in before it is too late, assuming they want kids? Another unfairness of life is I see some guys getting around this delay and still have kids by marrying someone 10 years younger, but unfortunately, does not work as well the other way around

    • #2
  3. Yeah...ok. Inactive
    Yeah...ok.
    @Yeahok

    What percentage of those spoiled brats will house their parents for 2-5 years rather than send them to a nursing home?

    • #3
  4. Ricochet Member
    Ricochet
    @MattBalzer

    My brother lived in an apartment through college, then moved back in with our parents when he got a job back in the home town. It pays well, but the long-term prospects are unclear. That being so, why should he necessarily look for an apartment or house when he might have to move away again in 2-3 years?

    • #4
  5. Matede Inactive
    Matede
    @MateDe

    Pleated Pants Forever:You graduated in 2000? I graduated in 2000. Was that you who beat me in darts at Heggerty’s on Wells during $6 pitcher night in 1999?

    I moved out within 2 months of graduating and had some bad apartments as well but, to your point, I had a much better youth unemployment rate to deal with. I also had a girlfriend who wanted to get engaged….which can be motivating

    I agree with your concern on pushing adulthood out too far. When you are not an adult until 30 and marry years after that – biology eventually catches up – so when can kids be fit in before it is too late, assuming they want kids? Another unfairness of life is I see some guys getting around this delay and still have kids by marrying someone 10 years younger, but unfortunately, does not work as well the other way around

    Wasn’t me. Darts was never my game. We should a nostalic thread for us Gen X’ers (or whatever we are). I agree, that living at home does end up delaying adulthood, eventually marriage and children. And no matter how much the feminists hate it, eventually a woman will have to face her biological realities, (medical intervention doesn’t always work).

    The delay will end up having a big impact on our demographics.

    • #5
  6. Ricochet Inactive
    Ricochet
    @MoxieMom

    That being so, why should he necessarily look for an apartment or house when he might have to move away again in 2-3 years?

    As an old lady who has been married 30 years, one reason is just for the sake of the parents’ relationship. Marriages go through a lot of stresses and changes over the decades. In my observation, one of the critical times in long-term marriages is when the kids are grown, which also is often when the each spouse is going through a lot of their own personal changes.

    It’s too easy to neglect your primary relationship — which should be with your spouse — when the kids are still in the nest.

    It’d be interesting to know if divorce rates for people in their late 40s and 50s differ depending on the presence of grown kids in the house.

    • #6
  7. Matede Inactive
    Matede
    @MateDe

    Matt Balzer:My brother lived in an apartment through college, then moved back in with our parents when he got a job back in the home town. It pays well, but the long-term prospects are unclear. That being so, why should he necessarily look for an apartment or house when he might have to move away again in 2-3 years?

    Most apartment leases are 1 year. He doesn’t have to buy a place. Also, here are some reasons he should move out regardless if he may have to leave in a few years. The freedom of being able to come and go without your mom knowing, A place to bring girls (chicks usually aren’t digging guys who still live at home), He can decorate it however he wants (which should really be something that guys want because they will never get this chance again). He’ll learn how to live on his own, and be able to watch whatever he wants whenever he wants again without mom knowing. I think these are all good reasons to move out.

    • #7
  8. Misthiocracy Member
    Misthiocracy
    @Misthiocracy

    As long as they’re working/contributing, then sure.

    The idea that children MUST leave their parents’ house upon reaching an arbitrarily-defined “adulthood” is actually a pretty recent development. Multi-generational households have been the rule for most of history, and there is some research to suggest they have benefits.

    The question should be whether the kid is pulling their weight, not whether they live with their parents.

    I lived with my parents for about three years after graduation. That’s how long it took to save enough for a downpayment before I could buy my own property.

    Actually, I don’t have many friends who didn’t live with their parents for some period of time after graduation. All of them are now rather successful in their chosen careers.

    If the kid has a good work ethic then kicking them out seems counter-productive. Better to give them a chance to save up some start-up capital.

    • #8
  9. Ricochet Inactive
    Ricochet
    @PleatedPantsForever

    Matede – we are the only thing good to come out of the late seventies – remember carpet in the bathroom? – but we are too few to get a name so they cram us around generation x or q or whatever larger population group got a letter assigned to it.

    I like the thread idea. Can we talk about that terrible ET Atari game? You would fall in the pit and could never get out

    • #9
  10. Asquared Inactive
    Asquared
    @ASquared

    I work in Chicago for a consulting firm that hires a large number of young adults (kids to me) straight out of college. We pay our kids good money (not Chelsea Clinton working for McKinsey money, but good money) but every year there are a few that choose to live at home.  I don’t know (and don’t ask) what the rent arrangements are.

    Inevitably it only lasts a year or so as the bright lights and the bar scene of downtown beckon.

    They often surprised to find their commute is longer living in the city and riding a bus or the El than it was living 30 miles outside of the city and taking the commuter train.

    • #10
  11. Tuck Inactive
    Tuck
    @Tuck

    Matede:

    The delay will end up having a big impact on our demographics.

    Europe’s well ahead of us in that regard…

    • #11
  12. Matede Inactive
    Matede
    @MateDe

    Misthiocracy:If the kid has a good work ethic then kicking them out seems counter-productive. Better to give them a chance to save up some start-up capital.

    That’s the thing IF they actually save up some money that would be great, but a lot of friends of mine didn’t AND they didn’t contribute anything to the household. I never thought it the way Moxiemom put it that the kids moving back home could put a strain on the parents. I still think it’s best to get out and get on your own. It is possible to save money while living away from home.

    • #12
  13. Matede Inactive
    Matede
    @MateDe

    Pleated Pants Forever:Matede – we are the only thing good to come out of the late seventies – remember carpet in the bathroom? – but we are too few to get a name so they cram us around generation x or q or whatever larger population group got a letter assigned to it.

    I like the thread idea. Can we talk about that terrible ET Atari game? You would fall in the pit and could never get out

    Oh we had Atari. Did you have a commodore 64? I remember playing the winter Olympics game on that thing for house. The Pixals were awful, these kids these days don’t know how hard we had it in the 80’s

    • #13
  14. Ricochet Inactive
    Ricochet
    @PleatedPantsForever

    We had an Apple IIc, not to be confused with the Apple IIe you may have had in school. Those 5 and a quarter inch disks were great. King’s Quest is the only game on the Apple IIc I remember and it was terrible. I do miss having to tear off those side things with the holes from pages from the printer

    • #14
  15. Blondie Thatcher
    Blondie
    @Blondie

    I couldn’t wait to get out of the house. When I graduated college in 1989, I was upset that my apartment wouldn’t be ready to move into for 2 weeks. I had to live at home for 2 more weeks! Oh the horror! My plan was to drive the truck, packed with my stuff, straight from school to Raleigh and unload. I bought my house at 26 and married at 27. Would have liked the marriage part to have come sooner, but “Mr. Right” wasn’t available at the time. My neighbor and I had this conversation just yesterday. You can’t learn to be independant if you aren’t. It’s one thing to help your kids out during a rough patch, but when do they get to learn to fly by themselves if you keep throwing out the safety net? You’ve got to sink or swim at some point.

    • #15
  16. user_357321 Inactive
    user_357321
    @Jordan

    I think living with the parents is perfectly acceptable, and even should be encouraged, provided that the adult children are employed, contributing a fair amount to household expenses + ‘rent’, and not abusing the arrangement to spend wastefully (e.g. saving for a large down payment on his own home, accelerated payment of student debt, accumulation of wealth, etc).  Those would be my rules anyway.

    At least this way the money stays in the family.  I’d much rather give my mother or father a few hundred a month towards mortgage and expenses than some slumlord who won’t fix the damn air conditioner or make sure all the dryers are working in the unit.

    Eventually the child will want to strike out on his own, but a little financial runway that the parents could provide would go a long way to building up a generational store of wealth.

    • #16
  17. Misthiocracy Member
    Misthiocracy
    @Misthiocracy

    Matede:

    Misthiocracy:If the kid has a good work ethic then kicking them out seems counter-productive. Better to give them a chance to save up some start-up capital.

    That’s the thing IF they actually save up some money that would be great, but a lot of friends of mine didn’t AND they didn’t contribute anything to the household.

    Well then, I guess I simply had better friends than you did.

    ;-)

    • #17
  18. Misthiocracy Member
    Misthiocracy
    @Misthiocracy

    Matede:

    Pleated Pants Forever:Matede – we are the only thing good to come out of the late seventies – remember carpet in the bathroom? – but we are too few to get a name so they cram us around generation x or q or whatever larger population group got a letter assigned to it.

    I like the thread idea. Can we talk about that terrible ET Atari game? You would fall in the pit and could never get out

    Oh we had Atari. Did you have a commodore 64? I remember playing the winter Olympics game on that thing for house. The Pixals were awful, these kids these days don’t know how hard we had it in the 80′s

    In addition to my old Atari 2600, my Commodore 64, and other classic computers/game consoles I refuse to part with, I still have a Kaypro 2X.

    You think the graphics on a C=64 are primitive? Ha!

    AliensScreenShotVideoGame

    • #18
  19. Asquared Inactive
    Asquared
    @ASquared

    Pleated Pants Forever:We had an Apple IIc, not to be confused with the Apple IIe you may have had in school. Those 5 and a quarter inch disks were great. King’s Quest is the only game on the Apple IIc I remember and it was terrible.

    I remember playing the text based game “Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” on an Apple II (not sure the model).  You had to read the story and type in your instructions (so you had to guess how to properly state the instruction as well).  All I remember is you had to figure out how to catch the Babel Fish in the first five minutes of the game or the Ship exploded because you couldn’t understand the warnings over the loudspeaker.  It took us a week how to figure out how to get a beyond the first five minutes of the game.

    • #19
  20. Luke Thatcher
    Luke
    @Luke

    In the documentary film “Jiro Dreams of Sushi” Jiro’s younger son strikes out on his own. The response from the Father to Son was the most Japanese thing I’ve heard in a long time:

    “You have no home to come back to.”

    My Japanese born father shares the spirit of the sentiment, but hasn’t the heart to turn us away. Me, and my kin have lived under his roof sporadically post graduation; Or, attendance in my case.

    My daughter was just born weeks ago. While I can’t imagine locking the door and shutting the window on her, I long to do so, now, because I’ve come to believe that Expectations largely shape the response of others. She will have to make her own way. Will I be helping or hurting her? I’ll never know the truth.

    In short: No.

    p.s. We shouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place.

    • #20
  21. Kozak Member
    Kozak
    @Kozak

    Yeah…ok.:What percentage of those spoiled brats will house their parents for 2-5 years rather than send them to a nursing home?

    Better hope the Karma gods aren’t listening.

    • #21
  22. Kozak Member
    Kozak
    @Kozak

    Matede:

    I like the thread idea. Can we talk about that terrible ET Atari game? You would fall in the pit and could never get out

    Oh we had Atari. Did you have a commodore 64? I remember playing the winter Olympics game on that thing for house. The Pixals were awful, these kids these days don’t know how hard we had it in the 80′s

    There’s a documentary about that Atari Video game.

    Atari Game Over

    • #22
  23. Kozak Member
    Kozak
    @Kozak

    Pleated Pants Forever:We had an Apple IIc, not to be confused with the Apple IIe you may have had in school. Those 5 and a quarter inch disks were great. King’s Quest is the only game on the Apple IIc I remember and it was terrible. I do miss having to tear off those side things with the holes from pages from the printer

    I had an Atari 800 then the Commidore Amiga. WAY ahead of it’s time…

    • #23
  24. Kozak Member
    Kozak
    @Kozak

    Blondie:I couldn’t wait to get out of the house. When I graduated college in 1989, I was upset that my apartment wouldn’t be ready to move into for 2 weeks. I had to live at home for 2 more weeks! Oh the horror! My plan was to drive the truck, packed with my stuff, straight from school to Raleigh and unload. I bought my house at 26 and married at 27. Would have liked the marriage part to have come sooner, but “Mr. Right” wasn’t available at the time. My neighbor and I had this conversation just yesterday. You can’t learn to be independant if you aren’t. It’s one thing to help your kids out during a rough patch, but when do they get to learn to fly by themselves if you keep throwing out the safety net? You’ve got to sink or swim at some point.

    The difference between the Reagan economy and the Obama economy…

    • #24
  25. Ricochet Member
    Ricochet
    @MattBalzer

    Matede:

    Matt Balzer:My brother lived in an apartment through college, then moved back in with our parents when he got a job back in the home town. It pays well, but the long-term prospects are unclear. Why should he necessarily look for an apartment or house when he might have to move away again in 2-3 years?

    Most apartment leases are 1 year. He doesn’t have to buy a place. Also, here are some reasons he should move out regardless if he may have to leave in a few years. The freedom of being able to come and go without your mom knowing, A place to bring girls (chicks usually aren’t digging guys who still live at home), He can decorate it however he wants (which should really be something that guys want because they will never get this chance again). He’ll learn how to live on his own, and be able to watch whatever he wants whenever he wants again without mom knowing. I think these are all good reasons to move out.

    1. Not sure what the apartment situation is in my home town, if apartments are as rundown as most of the rest of it I wouldn’t want to lease one.

    2. I don’t disagree with most of the rest, but he did have all those things at college, and except for the girls (small town, not a lot of options) he mostly does what he wants anyway.

    • #25
  26. Seawriter Contributor
    Seawriter
    @Seawriter

    My middle son graduated in December 2010. His apartment lease (at his college town) ended in May 2011. That month he found a job in the town where I live. He bought a car to commute. Stayed with Quilter and me for the first for the first nine months of his job. By then he had enough saved up for rent, damage deposit, and a cushion for emergencies.

    Made sense at the time. Makes more sense now. I might have to move in with him someday.

    Seawriter

    • #26
  27. Ricochet Member
    Ricochet
    @MattBalzer

    MoxieMom:As an old lady who has been married 30 years, one reason is just for the sake of the parents’ relationship. Marriages go through a lot of stresses and changes over the decades. In my observation, one of the critical times in long-term marriages is when the kids are grown, which also is often when the each spouse is going through a lot of their own personal changes.

    It’s too easy to neglect your primary relationship — which should be with your spouse — when the kids are still in the nest.

    It’d be interesting to know if divorce rates for people in their late 40s and 50s differ depending on the presence of grown kids in the house.

    My parents are older than that, not sure if your theory still applies ;). They’ve told me as well they wouldn’t mind having me back, but I’m not sure how much credence to give that statement. I don’t know what I would do for work if I went back, so I would probably end up like the people in the OP, which is why I’m unlikely to do so.

    • #27
  28. Blondie Thatcher
    Blondie
    @Blondie

    Kozak, good point. I also wonder what reasons there are for kids moving back into the house. I was at the folks place this past weekend, southside Virginia. My mother was telling me about a plumber in the area that has more work than he’s got hours in the day to do. He can’t find help. Nobody wants to do the work. I know this really isn’t the point of the OP, but sort of dove tails. Don’t go to school and get a degree in some non-existent career and expect to get a job right off, Reagan or Obama economy.

    • #28
  29. Kozak Member
    Kozak
    @Kozak

    Blondie:Kozak, good point. I also wonder what reasons there are for kids moving back into the house. I was at the folks place this past weekend, southside Virginia. My mother was telling me about a plumber in the area that has more work than he’s got hours in the day to do. He can’t find help. Nobody wants to do the work. I know this really isn’t the point of the OP, but sort of dove tails. Don’t go to school and get a degree in some non-existent career and expect to get a job right off, Reagan or Obama economy.

    No, the Pravda is EVERY kid needs to go to a 4 year university for proper Hive Indoctrination, so they can leave heavily in debt and qualified to be a Barista, but with the proper Life Experience and Attitude.

    Seriously, those blue collar trades are looking pretty good, and those jobs are not going to ge outsourced anywhere. Although the Chamber of Commerce and the Progressives seem determined to import tons of cheap foreign workers to suck those up too.

    • #29
  30. Pilli Inactive
    Pilli
    @Pilli

    A young man interned with our company for about a year while he finished school.  He then came on full time and worked for about 2 years.  He was 26 or 27. During much of that time, he lived with his parents.  He called them his roommates!  Every time he mentioned his “roommates” we would say, “You mean your mommy?”  We finally shamed him into getting his own apartment.

    • #30
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