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Fifty More Ways to Leave Your Lover
Does the song “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover” annoy you? Good. There’s nothing like hate to get the creative juices flowing. Back in 1975, maybe it was edgy to hint that you were such a lover you needed to plan 50 escapes from your latest (no doubt cis-het) tryst. But these days? Bah. Much more creativity is required to extricate oneself from postmodern affairs of the heart. So…
Here are just a few new reasons for leaving your lover. Can you top them?
- ‘Cuz I’m wearing your girdle, Myrtle
- It’s because I’m a man, Stan
- I’m in love with your mom, Tom
- Interspecies romance, Vance
- ‘Cuz you voted for Trump, chump
- ‘Cuz you said, “I’m With Her,” cur
- You don’t wanna be poly, Mollie
- ‘Cuz I got a waifu, boo
- Gender bend when I want to
- It’s no longer taboo, Sue
How’d you set yourself free?
Published in Humor
Cause you got ‘the bug’ Doug
You’re making me yawn, Sean.
It’s the chlamydia, Lydia.
Caught an internet virus, Cyrus
The most cringe inducing 4 minutes I ever sat through was Rosemary Clooney singing that song. I loves me some Rosie. But that…
Cause you quit bobbin, Robyn.
Of course, there are variations on this theme:
It’s the gonorrhea, Maria.
It’s the syphilis, Phyllis.
‘Cause you’re not into sharin’, Aaron
Male privilege is fadin’, Aiden
We started too rashly, Ashley
I just no longer feel ya, Amelia
‘Cause I’m sorry I tried ya, Elijah
Sex with you was a fluke, Luke
It hurts when I piss, Chris.
Funny too much!
‘Cuz yer lemmas were porn, Zorn
It’s because I’m a brony, Joanie
Clean up the blood stain, Jane.
lol, this just goes too far: too far :)
*joking, it’s really funny*
‘Cuz I’m modding my body, Roddy
I fell for a panda, ‘Manda
I’m just too unique, Monique
I’m in love with my car, Zafar
Monogamy’s silly, Billy
Let’s break up for a lark, Clark
Your sex change’s a mistake, Jake
Oh my goshness funny!
I ran out of Cialis, Alice
‘Cuz you don’t share my kink, Trink
Now I look like a lady, Sadie
You give me ED, Marie
I’m stuck in my chair, Adair
I’ve stubbed my toe, Flo
Libertarians didn’t pay for muh roads, Joad
‘Cause I’m an Incel, Crystal
Still live in my folks’ basement, Jason
Not paid off my loans, Sloan
And I’m out of my job, Bob
been taken from me…
aaaand I choked on my red pill, Phil,
And I don’t got no game, Shane,
Never learned how to neg, Meg,
so I get maced in the face, Jace,
it’s just best to stay home.
‘Cuz the Statists don’t scan, man ;-)
Tried to flirt playing WoW, Rao,
But couldn’t date with an Ork, Mork,
Was turned down by an Elf, Guelph,
So I’ve quit off my account, Haroun,
And I’m going offline
Thing ain’t going well, Kel
Got no money in the bank, Hank
Just give me my hat, Matt
And wait a little bit
Don’t give me no lip, Skip
No need to be mean, Dean
You’re gettin’ too unruly, Julie
I’m going back to the PIT.
(@kelsurprise @hankrhody @mattbalzer @skipsul @deanmurphy @juliesnapp)
Just whack her with the ax, Max
Cut him with the blade, Jade
Need an alibi, Sly
Just listen to me
Shoot her with the gat, Matt
Get yourself a baseball bat
Just bash her in the head, Ned
And get yourself free
lol, Dude :)
It’s because of your hoardin’, Jordan
‘Cuz you rode the Third Wave, Maeve
I’m Going My Own Way, Kay
Gotta get myself free
I got diabeetus, Titus
I’d rather kiss Toto, Soto
I’ve stolen your purse, Nurse
Don’t JudgeMental me!
(@titustechera, @franksoto, @therightnurse, @judgemental)
Hang him in the fridge, Midge.
Gotta new squeeze, Louise.
Cool name.