Why I Called Off My Wedding

With just a month to go before the big day.

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There are 47 comments.

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  1. Henry Racette Contributor

    Still listening to the podcast, but I have to say that you win the Eye-catching Podcast Title award for this week/month/year (and maybe longer).

    • #1
    • March 14, 2018, at 9:26 PM PDT
    • 8 likes
  2. Jim Wright Coolidge

    Boy, did this one stir up memories.

    Lyndsey, I didn’t find my wife until I was almost 40. There were several almosts – nothing as long as your engagement, but still difficult. But holding out for the person you’re ready to run to the altar with is absolutely worth it. I spent a few years in a smallish dating pool, and saw a lot of folks who married and divorced far too quickly. As much as I wanted to be married, I didn’t want to end up single again a few months or years later like so many friends.

    Hold out for the guy with whom you can go the distance. As tough as it can be to end a relationship before the wedding, at least you don’t have to deal with lawyers.

    • #2
    • March 14, 2018, at 9:37 PM PDT
    • 8 likes
  3. Hammer, The Member

    This sounds too horribly depressing to even listen to.

    • #3
    • March 14, 2018, at 10:56 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  4. The Cynthonian Member

    Wow!

    A few thoughts:

    1.  I listen to the podcast regularly, but I’m not on Twitter, so this was breaking news to me…..and probably other listeners as well.
    2. The importance of close friends who know you well and will give you honest feedback, when asked, cannot be overstated.
    3. I had a few doubts and anxious moments during my engagement, but nothing like you described. And my then-fiance’ was a calm, reassuring mensch when I expressed them. I’m still grateful for his calm, loving response.
    4. Exhausted, unfiltered Bethany was extra funny!
    • #4
    • March 14, 2018, at 11:05 PM PDT
    • 5 likes
  5. kylez Member
    kylez Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Ok, I’ll say it: perhaps the first boundary that should have been set was not shacking up unmarried.

    • #5
    • March 15, 2018, at 1:26 AM PDT
    • 13 likes
  6. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Someone should update Zanotti’s website.

    • #6
    • March 15, 2018, at 5:13 AM PDT
    • Like
  7. Lyndsey Fifield Contributor

    kylez (View Comment):
    Ok, I’ll say it: perhaps the first boundary that should have been set was not shacking up unmarried.

    Good thing I also said that about five times, too!

    • #7
    • March 15, 2018, at 5:30 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  8. Lyndsey Fifield Contributor

    Jim Wright (View Comment):
    Boy, did this one stir up memories.

    Lyndsey, I didn’t find my wife until I was almost 40. There were several almosts – nothing as long as your engagement, but still difficult. But holding out for the person you’re ready to run to the altar with is absolutely worth it. I spent a few years in a smallish dating pool, and saw a lot of folks who married and divorced far too quickly. As much as I wanted to be married, I didn’t want to end up single again a few months or years later like so many friends.

    Hold out for the guy with whom you can go the distance. As tough as it can be to end a relationship before the wedding, at least you don’t have to deal with lawyers.

    Thank you!!

    • #8
    • March 15, 2018, at 5:35 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  9. ToryWarWriter Thatcher

    Dont worry. I had a couple ex-coworkers who decided to get married, and she jilted him at the alter. She came to her moment while putting on her dress. So dont worry. Much better than to be divorced six months later like some people.

    I myself just quit a job I hate, and am looking forward to doing other things. So big breaks are ok. They happen.

    • #9
    • March 15, 2018, at 6:29 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  10. ToryWarWriter Thatcher

    Omgrd. You were nearly married Mr. Rogers.

    • #10
    • March 15, 2018, at 6:50 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  11. Stad Thatcher

    Lyndsey, you did the right thing. Speaking from experience, it’s much easier to call off a wedding before going down the aisle than afterwards. Speaking of it never being too late to call off a wedding, I recommend the following “Saturday Night Chick Flicks”:

    The Wedding Planner (Jennifer Lopez)

    The Accidental Husband (Uma Thurman)

    While You Were Sleeping (Sandra Bullock)

    • #11
    • March 15, 2018, at 7:41 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  12. Lazy_Millennial Member

    So I’m late to the game, but @lyndsey is single again?!?

    • #12
    • March 15, 2018, at 7:42 AM PDT
    • 13 likes
  13. Jeff Hawkins Coolidge

    Call me nuts, but I don’t think Bethany liked him

    • #13
    • March 15, 2018, at 7:49 AM PDT
    • 5 likes
  14. Barry Jones Thatcher

    Second the comment about not being on Twitter! Hang in there Lindsey, life is interesting and full of interesting people. And from the sound of things, you have a wonderful team of friends there for you. Best wishes, prayers and good thoughts going your way.

    • #14
    • March 15, 2018, at 9:24 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  15. Bethany Mandel Editor

    Lazy_Millennial (View Comment):
    So I’m late to the game, but @lyndsey is single again?!?

    Love this more than words

    • #15
    • March 15, 2018, at 9:30 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  16. DJ EJ Member

    Very informative and personal conversation, although it felt like I was eavesdropping and that shoes, wine bottles, furniture, etc. would have been thrown at me were I discovered.

    Listening to the Weekly Substandard podcast on the new Death Wish movie helped balance everything out again.

    Lady Brains and the Weekly Substandard – the yin and yang of podcasts on Ricochet.

    • #16
    • March 15, 2018, at 10:29 AM PDT
    • 6 likes
  17. Godzilla Member

    Ok, you made me become a member just so I could comment on this podcast. :^)

    It isn’t the living together per se that makes the breaking up so difficult, it is the sex. Sex binds you emotionally to another in subtle powerful ways. It is much more difficult to fairly evaluate that potential spouse when sex is involved. This is why all Lyndsey’s girlfriends knew, but she didn’t. Before marriage you want to be clear headed in evaluating your potential spouse. After the wedding you want to imbibe deeply in binding agents, I suggest both sex and wine, because marriage is hard but worth it.

    • #17
    • March 15, 2018, at 10:39 AM PDT
    • 5 likes
  18. GLDIII Temporarily Essential Reagan
    GLDIII Temporarily Essential Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    So glad to be past this part of life and made these decisions when the rules were more straight forward. Friends with benefits living arrangements really scrambles the assessment matrix.

    • #18
    • March 15, 2018, at 11:00 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  19. filmklassik Member

    Maybe I’m wrong but if I were a betting man, I’d bet this episode will be taken down soon. It is so personal and, let’s face it, it also names names. Or should I say, it names NAME. Of a guy who sounds sweet but kind of ineffectual. It is therefore, for him — for Ed — a rather humilating podcast.

    Yep. No question. This ep is not long for this world.

    • #19
    • March 15, 2018, at 11:33 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  20. kylez Member
    kylez Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Lyndsey Fifield (View Comment):

    kylez (View Comment):
    Ok, I’ll say it: perhaps the first boundary that should have been set was not shacking up unmarried.

    Good thing I also said that about five times, too!

    I hadn’t gotten there yet at almost 1:30 am.

    • #20
    • March 15, 2018, at 11:54 AM PDT
    • Like
  21. kylez Member
    kylez Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    “Bouncing a quarter off someone” is new to me. Is that a girl talk expression? :)

    • #21
    • March 15, 2018, at 11:55 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  22. Stad Thatcher

    Godzilla (View Comment):
    It isn’t the living together per se that makes the breaking up so difficult, it is the sex. Sex binds you emotionally to another in subtle powerful ways. It is much more difficult to fairly evaluate that potential spouse when sex is involved.

    This is why I would tell young women to marry first, then move in together. Older folks, particularly over 30, have more life experiences under their belts. Many can get away with living together first, as in your case. Lyndsey, you did because you aren’t 22. Ten years of life experience gives you an edge. You had the knowledge and courage to recognize, “Uh uh, ain’t gonna work.”

    The second woman I dated prior to my (hate to use the word) current wife was nice. She owned her own house (I was living in an apartment), and the sex was great. We really got along well. When my second divorce finally went through, I moved in with her.

    Danger, Will Robinson! (Great, I just dated myself.) We learned things about each other (me more than her) that made it clear we could not have possibly live together, even if married. I moved out after two months. Dated another wonderful woman, but then I met my future wife, and it was all over. I finally met my match.

    We’ve been married over 30 years, so I guess we’re still trying to decide if this thing will last . . .

    • #22
    • March 15, 2018, at 12:21 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  23. Adriana Harris Member

    First of all, Lyndsey, you did the right thing. I know because I ended an engagement (thankfully we hadn’t gotten to the wedding planning stage) for the same reason. The man was very nice, but weak. He has, unfortunately, gone on to three divorces. I know this because we stay in touch via facebook. Not long after ending the engagement, I started dating my husband. There was never any question with him and we have been married twenty years. Marriage can be very challenging at times. Without mutual love, respect and loyalty; it ain’t gonna work, honey.

    • #23
    • March 15, 2018, at 2:16 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  24. Kim K. Member
    Kim K. Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Ok, I listened, but I gotta say, I feel a little sorry for Ed. This is a topic that should be kept among close friends or discussed publicly only after a longer period of time has passed.

    • #24
    • March 15, 2018, at 4:59 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  25. filmklassik Member

    Kim K. (View Comment):
    Ok, I listened, but I gotta say, I feel a little sorry for Ed. This is a topic that should be kept among close friends or discussed publicly only after a longer period of time has passed.

    Right?? I would advise anyone who’s interested in hearing it to listen to it NOW — this week — maybe even today — this minute — before it gets permanently removed (Which it will!).

    • #25
    • March 15, 2018, at 5:50 PM PDT
    • 2 likes
  26. Katesimp Inactive

    This was an interesting episode and obviously you did the right thing. It was hard and you should be commended for that. But, I have to say, the tenor of this bugged me a bit. For you to imply that your ex was a weak man and for your friends to imply that he was not good enough for you in such a public way…

    Look, the problem, as you readily admit several times, is that you weren’t passionate about this guy, and you hadn’t been in a while (maybe ever). He was a nice guy and he checked the boxes, but you weren’t really in love. That’s on you, and you did the right thing by breaking off the engagement. No need to add insult to injury by implying that he was weak or boring or not good enough.

    • #26
    • March 15, 2018, at 9:40 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  27. Godzilla Member

    kylez (View Comment):
    “Bouncing a quarter off someone” is new to me. Is that a girl talk expression? :)

    I believe that this is a military allusion. A well made bed is so tight that you can bounce a quarter off it. @bethanymandel is saying is that @lyndsey is well made, tight and desirous to bed.

    PS I’m afraid I must admit that I agree with @katesimp, @kimk and @filmklassik, this podcast is hard on Ed. Just like @lyndsey needs to have her female lizard brain reassured that she is pretty enough, a man’s lizard brain worries that he is not capable enough. Reverse the situation and imagine his friends telling the world that she is too ugly to be a mate for a good man.

    PPS Please remove his picture from the @lyndsey avatar on the right sidebar

    • #27
    • March 16, 2018, at 5:34 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  28. Stad Thatcher

    Maybe Ed should appear on the podcast to give his side. Or would it turn out to be too brutal? Overall, it sounds as if he’s a great guy, but the marriage just wasn’t going to work. I’ve been on the “Ed” side of the equation before, and it’s one more unpleasant part of life we have to deal with.

    • #28
    • March 16, 2018, at 6:19 AM PDT
    • Like
  29. Fake John/Jane Galt Coolidge

    filmklassik (View Comment):
    Maybe I’m wrong but if I were a betting man, I’d bet this episode will be taken down soon. It is so personal and, let’s face it, it also names names. Or should I say, it names NAME. Of a guy who sounds sweet but kind of ineffectual. It is therefore, for him — for Ed — a rather humilating podcast.

    Yep. No question. This ep is not long for this world.

    I would not sweat it. Humiliating men is cool. If this was the other way around with a group of men trash a womyn, that would be bad.

    • #29
    • March 16, 2018, at 6:20 AM PDT
    • 2 likes
  30. Fake John/Jane Galt Coolidge

    Godzilla (View Comment):

    kylez (View Comment):
    “Bouncing a quarter off someone” is new to me. Is that a girl talk expression? :)

    I believe that this is a military allusion. A well made bed is so tight that you can bounce a quarter off it. @bethanymandel is saying is that @lyndsey is well made, tight and desirous to bed.

    PS I’m afraid I must admit that I agree with @katesimp, @kimk and @filmklassik, this podcast is hard on Ed. Just like @lyndsey needs to have her female lizard brain reassured that she is pretty enough, a man’s lizard brain worries that he is not capable enough. Reverse the situation and imagine his friends telling the world that she is too ugly to be a mate for a good man.

    PPS Please remove his picture from the @lyndsey avatar on the right sidebar

    Ed, dodged a bullet on this one. Any womyn that would do this to their man is not good wife material. It might be different if he was abusive in some way but it seems that he just does not measure up to her and her friends high standards.

    • #30
    • March 16, 2018, at 6:28 AM PDT
    • 2 likes