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Jeff Ditzler's Posts

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The mysterious temples known as “public schools” that dot the landscape of the former United States are so often taken for granted (having been present, in their current form, since the twenty-first century) that many who pass by them every day do not stop to consider their origin, nor that of the mysterious priestly caste, […]

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Six states have senators who have declined to run for re-election in 2022.  Eight states have governors who are term-limited or declining to run for re-election that year.  One state falls into both categories, and it was one of the most hotly contested in 2020: Pennsylvania. The Democratic field for governor is the clearest of […]

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Today marks the third anniversary of one of former President Trump’s most well-known foreign policy moves: the move of the U.S. Embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.  On paper, the move had been mandated for more than twenty years, since the passage of the Jerusalem Embassy Act of 1995, but the act allowed Presidents […]

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Memo from the Great Beyond

 

I do not know how I received the communication below. I just got the second dose of the COVID vaccine, so it might be that the 5G they implanted in me is more powerful than I thought, although I recall Rob Long receiving something similar after William F. Buckley Jr. passed away.

FR: New Arrivals/Orientation Dept.

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The picture below was making the rounds on Twitter a couple weeks ago, with people being asked what table they’d prefer to sit at.  I would not presume to make that decision for anyone, but here’s how I imagine each table would turn out.  Two caveats: I assume that (unlike an actual middle school cafeteria) […]

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Philadelphia Library Cancels Mummer Story Hour

 

PHILADELPHIA — The public library system of Philadelphia has canceled a program that featured Mummers, members of flamboyantly costumed groups that perform annually in the city New Year’s Day parade, reading books to young children. The cancellation comes after the first such event, held in Wissaquehoninghocken (pronounced “pa-SHUNK”) Library, a public library in Northwest Philadelphia, where Kevin Prosciutto, a 37-year-old longshoreman and member of the Golden Fancy Boys of Manatiniquehanna (pronounced “pa-SHUNK”), was scheduled to read the book “Myrtle the Covetous Platypus” at an event advertised for children between five and eight years of age.

According to an unnamed source within the library, Mr. Prosciutto entered claiming to be depicting Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, but resembled “the illegitimate love child of Elton John and Lady Gaga, if that love child had consumed LSD which was somehow fattening.” Four pages into the book, other members of the Golden Fancy Boys of Manatiniquehanna entered carrying small stringed instruments, which they played while singing a song that involved various Presidential candidates and elements of the plot of “Guardians of the Galaxy 2.” When pressed for details, the unnamed source began weeping quietly and only said, “I had no idea the name ‘Elizabeth Warren’ could rhyme with so many parts of the female anatomy.”

Although a spokesman for the public library promised mental health services would be made available for the children and (perhaps more importantly) their parents, most of the children seemed unfazed by the incident, with many assuming Mr. Prosciutto was portraying Gritty, the Philadelphia Flyers mascot. No children or library staff members were injured, although Mr. Prosciutto and Andrew Halupszczkowski, another member of his group, were briefly treated for an incident involving Elmer’s Glue and their own chest hair.

Fracking, Vaping, and the New Puritans

 

Around the turn of the millennium, it was conventional wisdom that nicotine was the worst possible thing for you, and that the world economy was on the brink of Peak Oil, which would soon send energy prices on a permanent upward spiral and slowly grind the economy to a halt.  Since then, two innovations have challenged these beliefs: vaping and fracking, both of which have attracted controversy.

Vaping provides nicotine, the chemical that gets you hooked on tobacco, without the tar.  Fracking revived the American natural gas industry, causing a major move away from coal and toward natural gas, and made the United States self-sufficient in oil, in the process turning North Dakota into Saudi Arabia with lutefisk.

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Don Blankenship is at it again. The West Virginia coal magnate was last seen in his state’s U.S. Senate primary in 2018.  The national GOP, concerned his controversial role in a deadly mine accident would render him unelectable, opposed him.  In response, Blankenship ran a memorable ad lashing out at “Cocaine Mitch” and his “China […]

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We come to western Pennsylvania, the home of Pennsylvania’s second-largest city, Pittsburgh, as well as a number of smaller cities (such as Erie, Johnstown, and New Castle) and suburban and rural areas.  Although it has steadily lost population since the 1960s, its stark turn to the Republicans has been a defining feature of Pennsylvania politics […]

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We come now to southeastern Pennsylvania, the state’s portion of the Northeastern megalopolis stretching from Washington to Boston.  Traditionally, it is defined as the city of Philadelphia (which, since the 1850s, has been the same thing as Philadelphia County) and the nearby counties of Bucks, Chester, Delaware, and Montgomery. About four million people live here […]

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Like Bidenland, Central Pennsylvania is split in two by the Blue Mountain.  To the south is the area around Harrisburg, Lancaster, York, and several smaller cities such as Chambersburg and Lebanon.  The area shares the Harrisburg media market and (along with some counties to its west) the 717 area code.  It still retains its Pennsylvania […]

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  “Bidenland” is a term coined by Brandon Finnigan of the Decision Desk HQ website to describe a region of small, blue-collar cities in east-central and northeastern Pennsylvania. It is less urbanized than the Philadelphia metro area to its south, but more urbanized than central Pennsylvania to its west. It tends to be evenly divided […]

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Jeff Ditzler

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@thelostdutchman