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Husband Husbandry
We’ve been talking a lot about marriage and divorce around here lately. As someone who’s been married for almost 13 years with some very rough spots along the way, I feel like this is a topic about which I can speak authoritatively. In particular, I’d like to talk about a duty that primarily — though by no means exclusively — falls to wives: ego management.
I like to nap in my car over lunch, particularly during lovely weather like we’ve had lately in Kansas City. As I was trying to drift off Thursday afternoon, I heard a woman screaming into her phone. She was informing her husband in a vulgar fashion that his family hated her for no reason, she hated them, and that — while it was his responsibility to defend her — he was refusing to because he lacked testicular fortitude. I was sorely tempted to scream back in an equally vulgar fashion that if she wanted her husband to have testicles, she should stop performing double orchidectomy surgery.
The temptation to state that complex problems have in fact simple solutions is always present, but my life experience has taught me that a simple solution to many marriage challenges is proper ego management of one’s spouse. No matter how frustrated, how annoyed, how angry one may be with him, tearing him down is never the solution. The dishes will not get washed or the baby changed if he feels he cannot meet her standards. Resumes will not be sent out and job interviews will be wastes of time if he feels like a failure. If he feels like he has to ask permission for every penny, he will be far less inclined to work as hard or may spend extravagantly on the theory of “might as well earn my tongue-lashing.” And without feeling attractive to his wife, the marriage bed will be a place of frustration and disappointment.
Husbandry is an old term for the care and cultivation of crops and animals. Husbands need husbandry too, and that is our job as wives. If we want men who will go out into the world and earn for us, protect us, and support us, we have to nurture and care for not only their bodies but also their egos. Whether through words of praise, tender caresses, performing chores without complaint, or joining him in hobbies, we have to let our man know that we appreciate his sacrifices, believe in his goals, and desire him physically. (For more suggestions on the practical aspects of this, I highly recommend The Five Love Languages.)
Martin Luther said, “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let the husband make his wife sad to see him leave.” Ladies, we can’t make the latter part happen, but if we work on the former, it generally happens.
Published in Culture, Marriage
Like!
Double Like!
Quadruple Like!
Octuple like!
This Moore’s law of likes is unsustainable.
It cannot be overstated how important respect is to a husband. He will work is butt off to achieve and maintain it.
This goes both ways in marriage: be the kind of spouse you think you deserve.
Like times infinity.
Hexadecuple like.
I believe this sustainable.
infinity times infinity like—–B-o-o-m!!!
Like times infinity- y’all can’t beat that! ;) Seriously though, major like. I feel like women have lost their sweetness, and it doesn’t do our sex any favors. The Luther quote is one of my favorites. I also like whole Ephesians “wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord; husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church.” So often women focus on the slavery-like aspect of “submitting” when really the passage is about challenging husbands and wives to do things that don’t come easily- women showing respect, and men loving unconditionally.
Like
The Ephesians thing is so, so deep. What I learned last year is that marriage is a proclamation of the gospel. Marriage is modeled on Christ’s love for the church, not the other way around (I had that backward for a long time.) Am I proclaiming conditional love — a quid-pro-quo relationship in my marriage, or am I proclaiming that I can’t be made to unlove my wife? More so, do I actually do these things?
I’m convinced that you wrote this whole piece just to offer this line.
Well done.
Its like in the wrap up of PCU.
Jock #1: [at a party] What’s up, babes?
Womynist #1: Pack up your rape culture and take a hike!
Jock #1: [holds up a beer] You want a brewdog?
Womynist #1: We’re not interested in your penis!
Womynist #2: Wait, wait, I think he’s offering us a beer.
[turns to jock, speaks slowly]
Womynist #2: Um… Yes. We, would like, a beer.
Jock #1: Okay!
[turns around to get a beer]
Womynist #1: So it’s like, if you’re nice to them, they *bring* you things?
Womynist #2: Exactly.
Duotriguple Like!
Don’t hurt yourself, Mike. ;)
Along with the Love Language book there is one called Love & Respect that really digs into this.
Dr Laura is that you? Seriously though, I think it gets lost sometimes, but I really do think men are pretty simple creatures. Put in some time, some love, throw in some good food, be his biggest fan and his loudest cheering section and he will be yours forever.
Math nerds.
Amy, this is both delightful in and of itself, and a wonderful addition to the conversations of the last couple of days.
However I will add 1 mole of likes.
A star-nosed mole of likes.
Just as long as you don’t add a mole of moles
I recommend Dennis Prager’s Male-Female Hour (second hour of his radio show on Wednesdays) as a must-listen along these lines. One of his key messages is that men need to feel respected. Amy touched on examples of husbands being disrespected in the original post (the “double orchidectomy” line made me chuckle, right after I uncrossed my legs … 8^) and she’s absolutely correct – a disrespected husband will never live up to his wife’s expectations.
Pound-moles or gram-moles?
-E
If I may make another book recommendation…
She hates his family and is apparently appalled that they hate her. Hmmm. And she blames her husband for not defending her. Hmmm. No disconnect there. [Heavy sarcasm.]
I love the fact that the author recommends your only read chapters three and up after marriage.
As one whose last math class was a bare-minimum-requirement course in college called, “Math for Liberal Arts” – – I can’t keep up. So I’m just going to “like” all the previous “likes.” Someone else can do the math and decide what my cumulative total of approval turns out to be.
OK, so you’re into recursive liking.
Are you sure you’re not a math nerd?