Do You Live in a Real Neighborhood?

 

I’d never lived in a real neighborhood before I moved to Florida. Even living with my family of birth in CA, and living with my husband in CA, MA, and CO, we barely knew our neighbors and pretty much lived isolated lives. We found friendship elsewhere.

I recall reading Robert D. Putnam’s book about the splintering of the American community. I knew it was true back then, and I think it’s even truer now. Social media tries to make up for it, but there is nothing that matches person-to-person contact (as many of you who’ve attended Ricochet meet-ups know).

So when we moved to FL, I decided to explore what it meant to be part of a neighborhood. We found a home on a cul-de-sac of 17 homes. Remarkably, all the homes were to be constructed at about the same time. That schedule meant we were all going to be new to the street, if not new to Florida. So I saw my big chance — I was going to help start a real, live neighborhood!

I bumped into neighbors in the first few weeks, and everyone thought having a neighborhood get-together was a great idea, but nobody took action. So I took it upon myself to have a dessert party (where I supplied the desserts), which I figured would be irresistible. Except for one couple, the entire street showed up! (The couple who didn’t attend hadn’t yet moved in.)

After that first party we had a number of gatherings — traveling dinners, barbecues, 4th of July parties. It’s been ten years, and we still get together; we have a party at Christmas time, the Lemonettes have an annual lunch (oh, our street is named Lemon Grove Drive so we women named ourselves after the street). We also have miscellaneous parties throughout the year.

Now, I have to confess I’m not a big one on attending parties; my idea of a party is one or two other couples. And sometimes the conversations are (for me) a bit mundane: golf talk, exercise talk, cruise talk — you get the picture. But we are a real neighborhood family. We have Linda, who volunteered from the start to create a spreadsheet of our emergency contact information, and she updates it regularly on her own. And Georgia started an album that shows when our street was still dirt, and an aerial view of the development up to photos taken of the most recent gatherings. By now, some people have become genuine friends. We all know who plays golf, who likes to shop, who likes to play mah jong, who’s religious. I know that Joanne is a master at making any kind of dessert, Lynne knows her wines, and Diane keeps track of who’s in town and who isn’t. We call Gary, our next door neighbor, Mr. Mayor; I know that he and Ken will call out my name if they see me on my morning walk from a hundred yards away when they’re on the golf course. The list of our interactions with each other is vast.

But there is something that has emerged that is much more precious to all of us:

We share a genuine caring for, and commitment to, each other.

When Pat had a mastectomy, we organized dinner for her and her husband for two weeks.

If we hear there could be a hurricane, we figure out who is at home and who is out of town and decide how to relocate outside furniture and secure other items.

We check in with each other when we are sick.

When my mother passed away two years ago, nearly every household either e-mailed me or sent a card. We are neighbors. We are friends. And we honor our relationships with each other. That’s what it means to be part of a real neighborhood.

Have you ever lived in a real neighborhood? Do you live in one now?

Published in Culture, General
Tags:

Like this post? Want to comment? Join Ricochet’s community of conservatives and be part of the conversation. Join Ricochet for Free.

There are 41 comments.

Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.
  1. James Madison Member
    James Madison
    @JamesMadison

    There are many positive aspects of neighborhood’s. There can be the Doris Kravitz’s and there can be the nice couple nearby who you never see, but then they call when they see someone unusual parking on the road. We have a big and large family – many children. They are partout. But we focus on them first. We also live in a college town and have many professional and college friends – including my roommates from more than a few decades ago. They are still not a good influence after all these years.

    Our neighborhood consists of large, densely wooded lots – 5 -10 acres. Rarely do we get snow. When we do, I take out my tractor plow the private road and driveways. Then the home brew beer and goodies just show up. It is great place of kind deeds and mostly privacy. We never see most of our neighbor’s socially, but the older college professor who is seriously ill knows we are there to help in a pinch. And he or his wife do call from time to time.

    Years ago Paul Mellon said that privacy is the greatest luxury. There is something to be said for that too.

    • #1
  2. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    James Madison: Our neighborhood consists of large, densely wooded lots – 5 -10 acres. Rarely do we get snow. When we do, I take out my tractor plow the private road and driveways. Then the home brew beer and goodies just show up. It is great place of kind deeds and mostly privacy. We never see most of our neighbor’s socially, but the older college professor who is seriously ill knows we are there to help in a pinch. And he or his wife do call from time to time.

    It sounds like a perfect neighborhood. That’s what I hope we get to learn from each other, all the different ways we participate (or even choose not to participate) in neighborhood. Thanks, James.

    • #2
  3. James Madison Member
    James Madison
    @JamesMadison

    One other thing that makes this very nice is we live within earshot of children – my wife calls it the “sound of family formation.” We run on our road daily and we see these young people growing up. When they go to off to college, we celebrate with their parents. When they get full-time jobs we share their parents joy. Again, my wife says, “When your children go off your cell phone bill, they have flown the nest.” That can take forever!!!

    Compared to living in cities and overseas for most of our adult lives, this locale (near to where we both grew up) is so very, very special.

    • #3
  4. Midget Faded Rattlesnake Member
    Midget Faded Rattlesnake
    @Midge

    I do not regard the geographical neighborhood I live in right now as my “real neighborhood”. I had hoped to move elsewhere soon after marrying, but life kept intervening. So I realize I am largely to blame for never “settling down” here. On the other hand, I have doctors advising me that there’s a significant possibility that, by not moving sooner, I may have brought several of the “life kept intervening” issues that made moving unexpectedly impractical down on myself as well.

    Just as cat-lovers with cat-allergies “needlessly” complicate their lives greatly by owning cats, living in this exact spot may be needlessly complicating my own life in such a way that cultivating neighborhood feelings toward it is unrealistic.

    • #4
  5. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: Just as cat-lovers with cat-allergies “needlessly” complicate their lives greatly by owning cats, living in this exact spot may be needlessly complicating my own life in such a way that cultivating neighborhood feelings toward it is unrealistic.

    What an insightful comment! I hadn’t thought that perhaps I wasn’t ready for a neighborhood before . . . that those weren’t places that spoke to me or where I ultimately belonged. I do know that relationships are much more important to me now than they were 20 years ago. And as I said, everyone’s “real” neighborhood, or the need to find one at a particular time, will be different. Thanks, MFR.

    • #5
  6. Front Seat Cat Member
    Front Seat Cat
    @FrontSeatCat

    Loved that story Susan and you are reading my mind – I live in the same type of neighborhood – only problem is that the neighbor get-togethers get talked about and never happen – I have been wanting to do a ladies get-together and collect info so that we have ways to help out and know our neighbors. Being FL, it’s in transition too – it’s not quite built out yet, I think around 40 lots – well over half are built. I am like you – not a big party goer and as new people come into the area, I feel there is the need. I am going to get the courage to do it! Very encouraging and perfect timing!

    • #6
  7. Front Seat Cat Member
    Front Seat Cat
    @FrontSeatCat

    Midget – you paint an interesting picture – we built a house in our current neighborhood – sold 2 years later to get out from under a bad business decision debt – we stored stuff – I got rid of a lot – and we moved to our neighbor’s teeny carriage house while we build our current house – all in same neighborhood. I learned a couple things – one is we don’t need half of what we own – its burdensome. Two, is I loved living in a tiny space – it became cozy – less to clean – I really loved it.  When it came time to move into new house, it was like a mansion – not big but felt big. I came to appreciate what I have so much more.  I also noted that neighbors on one side of the neighborhood know nothing about the other side – we have two entrances and the street makes a big horseshoe. We’re such creatures of habit – but whatever is keeping you from making changes to improve your life, once you do it, you will ask gosh…what took me so long!

    PS I have cat allergies and can’t live without a cat! I realized that food allergies were more the culprit – namely dairy, and the cat thing improved greatly.

    • #7
  8. Claire Berlinski, Ed. Member
    Claire Berlinski, Ed.
    @Claire

    I don’t know any of my neighbors by name — we’re all still strictly on a Madame-Monsieur basis — but certainly we know each other’s faces, know who belongs to the neighborhood, know who’s just a tourist passing through. At the pharmacy they enquire after the well-being of my papa; at the bakery they know my favorite kind of croissant; they shake my hand at the local cafe. I definitely feel surrounded by friendly and familiar faces, but it’s not quite an “I’d trust them to think to bring in my patio furniture” feeling.

    • #8
  9. Midget Faded Rattlesnake Member
    Midget Faded Rattlesnake
    @Midge

    Front Seat Cat: PS I have cat allergies and can’t live without a cat! I realized that food allergies were more the culprit – namely dairy, and the cat thing improved greatly.

    Yes, I’ve already tried diet modification, with ambiguous results. It’s not cats, but environmental allergies that may be worsened by not only living in this city and state, but by living in the older, more affordable building we currently do live in. There is, however, no feasible way to guarantee that another building would appreciably improve things. There’s just a strong possibility, yet not very strong, that moving might help.

    • #9
  10. PHCheese Inactive
    PHCheese
    @PHCheese

    I lived for 20 years on our little farm in PA. We basically had 5 neighbors within about 1500 acres. We all got along and had some inter action around the holidays. We then moved to Bald Head Island NC which was like moving into a fraternity house. There was a party practically ever night. Also there was a very active country or golf and beach club.It was the most social active time of our lives. However after ten wonderful years real life intervened, grandchildren. We moved to a gated community in Pawleys Island SC to be closer to them. It was about half as active as BHI, which was fine with us. Our livers need a rest. We then moved to Charleston in another gated community but our social life is now centered on family and that is wonderful.

    • #10
  11. raycon and lindacon Inactive
    raycon and lindacon
    @rayconandlindacon

    About 25 years ago we relocated from a mostly rental community in Southern California to Colorado Springs, to an established neighborhood, and discovered community.  Across the street is Bruce, a retired Air Force Academy athletic instructor, originally from Wisconsin, who is always in his driveway in a bathing suit, sunning himself.  No better neighbor can be found.  He is a busybody who is always exercising his concern with a heart of generosity.  He is always ready with jumper cables or a snow shovel whenever he is needed.  And no stranger ever comes down our street without Bruce’s attention.

    He is the best of at least a dozen neighbors I can name for similar community spirit, and I am confident that they can name us also, as friends.

    • #11
  12. OkieSailor Member
    OkieSailor
    @OkieSailor

    When we bought our first home in Oklahoma one of the neighbours hosted a meeting to set up a neighbourhood watch association, a common thing at the time. There were a few meetings but as people moved in and out we came to know only two of our neighbours beyond a nodding acquaintance. Wanting to foster better associations I built a large deck in the middle of our back yard and started hosting pot-luck dinners. Everyone would bring something (anything!) and we’d prepare drinks, plates, etc. We maintained an email list to let people know when the next pot-luck was scheduled. Sometimes I’d do a pancake breakfast (I make scratch pancakes, mill the flour, etc.) We didn’t restrict the list to the immediate neighbors but invited people we met and wanted to get to know to join the email list.
    We recently moved to Kentucky and built our retirement home, with a deck, of course. I’ve printed cards with a short explanation of this method of get-totether and an invitation to email and hand them out to many of the nice folks we meet here. We have a list now of 13 folks/families and will be scheduling pot-lucks when the weather is nice. This method allows us to host an event without major expense which has been important for a family raising four kids on a single income. And we do enjoy the events.

    • #12
  13. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Front Seat Cat: I am going to get the courage to do it! Very encouraging and perfect timing!

    Go for it! If you are friendly with just a couple of women, ask them if they’ll help. I put a flier on the door of each house with all my key information, date and so on, and they came! Also early on after the dessert party (when we’d already collected data from each other), I sent an email asking for help to plan a progressive dinner–at least 6-8 women volunteered to help organize it! We got to know each other better and it was a great event. In fact, I think we need to do another one soon!

    • #13
  14. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Claire Berlinski, Ed.: At the pharmacy they enquire after the well-being of my papa; at the bakery they know my favorite kind of croissant; they shake my hand at the local cafe.

    This type of environment is so lovely. It fits my most romantic and charming picture of France. Those relationships count for a lot, too!

    • #14
  15. Franz Drumlin Inactive
    Franz Drumlin
    @FranzDrumlin

    One surprise I had when moving to the city (from the suburbs) was how neighborhoody urban life can be. Much like Claire Berlinski’s Paris Chicago is a hodgepodge of separate and often distinct neighborhoods where much of what one wants or needs is within easy walking distance. Shopkeepers and customers come to know each other by face if not by name. There is a comfortable, breezy familiarity in everyday life that I did not expect.

    • #15
  16. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    raycon and lindacon:About 25 years ago we relocated from a mostly rental community in Southern California to Colorado Springs, to an established neighborhood, and discovered community. Across the street is Bruce, a retired Air Force Academy athletic instructor, originally from Wisconsin, who is always in his driveway in a bathing suit, sunning himself. No better neighbor can be found. He is a busybody who is always exercising his concern with a heart of generosity. He is always ready with jumper cables or a snow shovel whenever he is needed. And no stranger ever comes down our street without Bruce’s attention.

    He is the best of at least a dozen neighbors I can name for similar community spirit, and I am confident that they can name us also, as friends.

    I love the Springs! The Air Force Academy site is one of the most beautiful a person can find. Bruce sounds like Mr. Mayor on our street–he’d do anything for you!

    • #16
  17. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    PHCheese:I lived for 20 years on our little farm in PA. We basically had 5 neighbors within about 1500 acres. We all got along and had some inter action around the holidays. We then moved to Bauld Head Island NC which was like moving into a fraternity house. There was a party practically ever night. Also there was a very active country or golf and beach club.It was the most social active time of our lives. However after ten wonderful years real life intervened, grandchildren. We moved to a gated community in Pawleys Island SC to be closer to them. It was about half as active as BHI, which was fine with us. Our livers need a rest. We then moved to Charleston in another gated community but our social life is now centered on family and that is wonderful.

    Indeed. Since my aunt and uncle, who lived in our development but have passed away are gone, there’s a kind of emptiness. It sounds like you’re in the “perfect” neighborhood.

    • #17
  18. Franz Drumlin Inactive
    Franz Drumlin
    @FranzDrumlin

    Um, let me just add that there are large areas of the west and south sides of Chicago that are definitely not neighborhoody. Terribly sad.

    • #18
  19. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    OkieSailor: We maintained an email list to let people know when the next pot-luck was scheduled. Sometimes I’d do a pancake breakfast (I make scratch pancakes, mill the flour, etc.)

    Most of our events are potluck–and we have such great cooks! May I invite myself over for the next pancake event?  ;>)

    • #19
  20. Midget Faded Rattlesnake Member
    Midget Faded Rattlesnake
    @Midge

    Franz Drumlin:One surprise I had when moving to the city (from the suburbs) was how neighborhoody urban life can be. Much like Claire Berlinski’s Paris, Chicago is a hodgepodge of separate and often distinct neighborhoods where much of what one wants or needs is within easy walking distance.

    In certain neighborhoods. There are car-centric “used to be a suburb before the city got bigger” neighborhoods, too.

    And it’s hard to be a good city neighbor when physical reactions to those things necessarily more concentrated in cities cannot fully be suppressed.

    • #20
  21. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: There is, however, no feasible way to guarantee that another building would appreciably improve things. There’s just a strong possibility, yet not very strong, that moving might help.

    I hope I’m not sounding overdramatic to say it must feel like there is no safe place. Those kinds of allergies can be so debilitating. I hope you figure out your best next step and that it works out for you.

    • #21
  22. Isaiah's Job Inactive
    Isaiah's Job
    @IsaiahsJob

    I live, if you may forgive me some dramatic license, in a community which is something of a freak show. We’re a tiny, isolated, and relatively poor desert community over 100 miles from the nearest city (and shopping). However, once a year we host Burning Man: one of the largest counter-cultural festivals in the world. So we’re an odd mixture of cowboys, crazy hippies, survivalists, artists, Mexicans, and misfits. Many of us are two or three of these things at once!

    With only 200 to 300 of us living here three quarters of the year – and the next small town a one hour drive, let alone the nearest city – we are forced to rely upon one another’s company. We are sort of like a neighborhood: if a modern neighborhood can contain people from wildly different backgrounds, educational levels, and income. (I suspect they seldom do.) We care and watch out for one another in that way which desert dwellers the world over do, and which the Arabs have summed up nicely in one of their sayings: “Me against my brother, my brother and I against my cousin, and my brother, cousin, and I against the world!”

    Only with charity “feeds” and ill-advised, late-night drunk driving escapades into a lifeless lake bed the size of Rhode Island.

    • #22
  23. Lizzie in IL Inactive
    Lizzie in IL
    @LizzieinIL

    Your depiction of your neighborhood sounds really wonderful, Susan, like something I’ve always wanted. Growing up, my own family was splintered from a young age, & in my adulthood I’ve been a singleton in various apts in a big city…not necessarily an absence of friendliness there, but definitely no sense of family or friendly cohesiveness in those tight, metro quarters. I always reckoned that sense of connection would present itself more upon being coupled up & moving to the suburbs, in a complete lifestyle shift (which I’d gladly welcome when Mr. Right comes forth!). Enjoyed your post!

    • #23
  24. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Isaiah's Job: So we’re an odd mixture of cowboys, crazy hippies, survivalists, artists, Mexicans, and misfits. Many of us are two or three of these things at once!

    I lived in CA and know of Burning Man, but I’ve never met anyone who lived nearby. You must live an amazing life, especially when everyone else is gone. Did you go to a Burning Man and just stay in town afterward? Could you tell us a little of your story?

    • #24
  25. RushBabe49 Thatcher
    RushBabe49
    @RushBabe49

    When I was a kid, we lived in a real neighborhood, Montlake, in Seattle. There were at least a dozen of us kids in a “gang”, who would play in the big vacant lot at the end of the street. We played in each others’ yards, and I remember sleepovers at one or anothers’ houses. My family and about five other families were Jewish, and we went to the same synagogue. One of my best friends was Lutheran, and at least once we took each other to Sunday school. That vacant lot where we played is now a Greek Orthodox Church.
    Now, we live in a “planned unit development” that’s sort of a neighborhood. I bought my hous in the final phase to be built out in 2000, while it was still under construction. I went to some homeowners meetings after I moved in, but didn’t get friendly with anyone. Our street has just two houses, and the other one is a rental. I have one friend who I talk to a lot, but she’s retired, while I’m still working, so we don’t get together often.We have a holiday open house most years, and my neighbor has come to the last two. She had a great time and got along well with the eclectic group of our other friends. The neighborhood has a community garage sale in the summer, but we always seem to miss it for one reason or another.

    • #25
  26. Mickerbob Inactive
    Mickerbob
    @Mickerbob

    My first foray into neighborhood living has probably scarred me forever, let me explain. The first property I ever purchased was a two bedroom condo in a mixed aged development of 120 units. I was 29 years old.  It all began with my first annual meeting.  My fellow owners had worked themselves into a lather over the less than desirable work that the builder had done in some of the buildings.  A vocal constituency was considering bringing a lawsuit against the  builder.  This news alone brought regret over my purchase. However, a lawsuit would play a considerable role in reducing the value of my purchase.  I asked to fill one of the open board positions. It was granted.  I gave a speech and told them what I did for a living. I work in the tobacco industry. I was booed.  Fast forward, two years. I am now President of the Board.  The previous President had quit due to strife in the Board over speed bumps on the property.  I was placed in the position of running the Annual Meeting in less than four weeks.  I made the best of it, using my evenings to meet my neighbors and asked their concerns. The Annual Meeting had more than eighty attendants and the animosity was just as strong as ever.  I was screamed at and one woman wanted to personally sue me!  As the song says, “oh give me land, lots of land!…” I have met humanity and I will pass….

    • #26
  27. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    RushBabe49: When I was a kid, we lived in a real neighborhood, Montlake, in Seattle. There were at least a dozen of us kids in a “gang”, who would play in the big vacant lot at the end of the street. We played in each others’ yards, and I remember sleepovers at one or anothers’ houses. My family and about five other families were Jewish, and we went to the same synagogue. One of my best friends was Lutheran, and at least once we took each other to Sunday school. That vacant lot where we played is now a Greek Orthodox Church.

    We played with a couple of neighbor kids in one of our homes. But we lived on a four-lane street that didn’t lend itself to young kids coming over. Your gang sounds like it was a wonderful group to be with. And “making a neighborhood” in your situation is tough.

    • #27
  28. Midget Faded Rattlesnake Member
    Midget Faded Rattlesnake
    @Midge

    Isaiah's Job:I live, if you may forgive me some dramatic license, in a community which is something of a freak show…

    With only 200 to 300 of us living here three quarters of the year – and the next small town a one hour drive, let alone the nearest city – we are forced to rely upon one another’s company.

    If we could manage the logistics of living so far away from the nearest major city, a rural desert freak-show life does sound rather heavenly.

    • #28
  29. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Mickerbob: I was screamed at and one woman wanted to personally sue me! As the song says, “oh give me land, lots of land!…” I have met humanity and I will pass….

    Oh Mickerbob, I’m so sorry. That’s awful. Homeowners associations can be nightmares–I think yours would move to the top of the list. But you are a courageous person and I bow to your fortitude!

    • #29
  30. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Mickerbob, this is just for you–

    • #30
Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.