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Chivalry’s Angels of Death
So, I’m standing in a little corner store, this afternoon, and suddenly there’s a loud commotion at the entrance: “I don’t need your help! BACK OFF! I’ve GOT it!!”
The door was kicked open and a small, white-haired yet athletic woman charged in with shopping bags in each hand, followed by a baffled young man. “Hey, darlin’ I was just tryin’ to get the door for ya.” “I ain’t your ‘DARLIN’, I’m not some weak little WOMAN and I don’t NEED anyone to open a #@#&#$ door for me!” she bellowed, then charged off to the back of the store, bristling with outrage over the “insult” this young man’s show of manners had visited upon her.
Look, I can hold my own in this crazy town, too. I can stand for my entire commute, open my own doors, carry my own luggage — I once moved everything I owned out of a storage space and into a fourth-floor walkup with no assistance, and I am constantly helping ladies get strollers up and down the subway steps when there aren’t any gentlemen around. So, yeah, yay me! I’m woman, hear me roar — whatever.
But sometimes you just get tired of being body-checked by some jerk so he can beat you to the last open seat on the subway. So it’s such a sweet surprise when I’m treated to even the smallest of chivalrous gestures, that I never fail to give a gracious “thank you” in return. (And if I don’t need assistance? A gracious decline — and a sincere thank you for the offer.)
Meanwhile, there’s this army of angry “ladies” out there so incapable of discerning courtesy from condescension that I fear they are totally ruining it for the rest of us. (Today was not the first example of this I’ve seen — just the latest, and one of the worst.)
Any of you gentlemen out there ever been lambasted like the poor young man I saw today? And if so, did it make you think twice before offering to help a lady again? Because I certainly think I’d feel that way if I were in that poor guy’s shoes.
Which is probably why I felt compelled to do some damage control today, when Herself stormed off and all the guys turned and looked at me.
“Can I . . . help you with something, Miss?” the proprietor asked.
“Yes,” I said. “Could you please open the door for me?”
Published in Culture, General
I’m afraid I’m guilty of many social faux pas by today’s standards:
I walk on the outside position when walking down the sidewalk with a female;
I remain standing until all of the females are seated at a table;
I stand when a female comes up to the table;
I offer my seat if there is not one for a female (ditto for the elderly or infirm);
I open doors, etc.
While I have never had the unfortunate experience of the young man you describe, I’m afraid these habits are too deeply ingrained to abandon at this stage of my life.
Way to redeem the moment! Like you, I try to do all I can to encourage the little chivalrous niceties in life. Thank you for yours!
We live in a brutal age. There are many reasons for this I suppose, but I lament it deeply. I join you in expressing appreciation when I am on the receiving end of chivalry.
There is not a war on women in this country, but there is a war on men. There is no correct way for us to act in any situation.
The sad thing is, women roam the streets in this nation, alone, without male protection and have no idea how rare that has been in history, or even around the world. I have talked to servicemen that have seen how unsafe much of the world is for women.
I hate to say it, not only might I think twice, I already do. It is hard to be beat up in the culture and not start to resent it. It is hard to constantly be called sexist, stupid, childish by the media, and not resent it.
Men do all the dirty jobs in the world. Who gets oil and coal out of the ground (or builds wind farms)? Who works the docks? If we did the same stupid days to equal death, like women do for “equal pay” it would not take days in a year, but over 5 years for the number of women to die at work as do men.
Men make the world run. We do it hoping for the love of a woman.
Feminism, at its core, is ugly. This lady shows it.
Thank you for your part to make it a bit better for this poor guy, who was just doing his part to be nice. Thanks for showing being woman is not about being ugly inside.
If you haven’t seen this Andrew Klavan video, you should.
So it’s such a sweet surprise when I’m treated to even the smallest of chivalrous gestures, that I never fail to give a gracious “thank you” in return. (And if I don’t need assistance? A gracious decline – – and a sincere thank you for the offer.)
I always, always, thank any one, but especially a guy for helping with a door. I’ve even had teen boys hold a door for me, and make sure they hear my thanks. When I was in Lancaster, CA had a teen boy hold the door for me at a convenience store. My helpers have been of all races and I’m grateful to them all.
I would have gotten the door even if it was a guy with all those bags. What the heck, has generosity gone down the toilet? What has happened to this country? What has happened to western civilization? I like Merina’s comment at #3: “We live in a brutal age.”
You are SO going to like my next book! (Shameless self-promotion).
LOL! It was good.
“And . . . engineering women’s slow decline back into a state of perpetual victimhood”
Brilliant.
I had a similar experience when I lived in Seattle. Having grown up in the South it’s a little more “normal” to do that for people so I was a little dumbstruck (and miffed, to be honest) that it would make someone so angry. I got over it, it never really happened again but I didn’t stop doing stuff like that just because I lived there. I’m ashamed to say it but a little part of me was hoping for it to happen again in our time there just so I could do it anyway, out of spite.
When I visited NYC, I was struck by how nice and polite everyone was. The only exception was a grouchy old woman who chewed me out for holding the door open for her at the post office.
Women (and men) elsewhere in this country uniformly appreciate it.
I was riding the train one afternoon. The train was crowded and a pregnant young lady was standing. I offered her my seat and she declined. I said; ma’am if the nuns from my old elementary school saw me seated and you standing I’d be in trouble. Please do me a favor and take my seat. She laughed and said I wouldn’t want you to get into trouble. She took my seat.
Kindness and good manners is good not only for the recipient it is good for the giver as well.
I hold doors for everyone. I always have. The only time I was ever given any guff for this was in the sixth grade when I held the door for a classmate. “I don’t need you to hold the door for me” she said acerbically (well okay I’m not sure a sixth grader can actually be acerbic).About a week later we came to the same door at the same time and I took a step back.
About a week later we came to the same door at the same time and I took a step back. I took a step back and she turned to look at me and said, “Aren’t you going to hold the door for me?” Oh well, you can’t win.
BTW I will say that gentleman made a tactical error. When the lady said “I don’t need your help.” The kid should have just written her off and moved on.
Yeah, I would have gotten the door for a guy. It is more of a common courtesy thing. If my hands are empty and a person with full hands is walking to a the door then age, sex, race none of that matters you just do the nice thing and help out.
I was always thankful for the young men that would carry my cart up the steps of the subway for me. But I remember being furious when I was on the train with my 16 lb sick cat in his carrier and no one would give up their seat for me, even though I was clearly struggling.
I wonder how much of it is the “I am woman, hear me roar” movement, and how much of it is the coarsening that results from living in the City. I know I turned into a hateful witch after living there for a couple years.
Yes, this. Show them kindness for by doing so “you heap burning coals upon their heads.” (hat tip to King Solomon.)
My youngest ran into a situation like that at his university. He opened a door and held it while a woman came storming up. Behind her (and obliviously cut off by her) was a guy carrying a large box, as my son put it, two-and-one-half hands full of box.
She stopped and demanded, “Why are you holding that door open? You think I am incapable of opening it myself?”
He kept holding the door open, pointed to the guy behind her (whose way was blocked by her) and calmly replied, “His hands are full.”
Suddenly realizing she was the jerk, she gave him a “how dare you” expression and stalked off.
Seawriter
Oh, trust me – – after 20 years in this town, I have to confess that “lady” is the last word anyone would use to describe me on some of my worst days in this city.
A rude cab driver and I went AT it one morning, years ago, when my niece was visiting here for the first time. The next summer, on a visit home for the State Fair, I lit in to a drunk carney that had knocked into her. She summed up the encounter later, to her friends: “Well, he kinda scared me, but then my aunt went all ‘New York’ and scared him more.”
< devil’s advocate mode = on >
In a world where there’s no such thing as a free lunch, could it not be reasonable to be wary of people who do nice things for you with no expectation of recompense?
< devil’s advocate mode = off >
On the other hand, women hold the door open for me. Men hold the door open for me. I hold the door open for men. I hold the door open for women.
It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with contributing to a culture of civility where everybody holds the door open for everybody else.
(I refuse to hold the door open for Swiss people tho’, cuz ya gotta be prejudiced against somebody. ;-)
“Wary”? Sure.
“Unhinged”? Uncalled for.
Exactly. Here in suburban Nashville, it is not uncommon for people to hold a door open for the next person coming thru it, regardless the age or gender of that person. It’s not about chivalry so much as it is about being nice.
Yabbut, if someone is unhinged (i.e. mentally ill) then they’ll always find something to be unhinged about.
I have to say I feel sorry for people like this young woman and the lady in Kel’s post. Living with a constant chip on your should cannot be fun. It has to be tiring.
I’m all for civility. Which is why I am going to say…
Maybe the woman’s husband had just left her. Maybe she had lost her job. Maybe she had just found out that her child had a terminal illness.
Maybe if someone is acting like a pill, we can say a prayer for him or her, and move on with our lives without analyzing someone we don’t know anything about.
Maybe that young man just got diagnosed with cancer, maybe his mom just died and he was just going through the motions. We don’t know the life history or back story of anyone we meet.
That is why we should all moderate our behavior. Throwing a fit when someone has not done you any harm is poor behavior and hard to justify.
They hold the key to the prison they have put themselves in. They can leave whenever they want to leave. To quote Khayyam:
The older I get, the more true it seems.
Seawriter
That reminds me of something that (I think) Dave Carter once wrote (and here I paraphrase): Whenever someone cuts me off in traffic, I assume that they were just told that a loved one has died and therefore they aren’t thinking straight.
Or maybe it was that time of the month. Oh the sexist pig that I am. ;)
Anyone incapable of accepting courtesies doesn’t deserve them.
That being said, I intend to continue to extend the normal human courtesies and, yes, take gender into account. And I hope all of you gentlemen will continue to do the same.