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Ask Amelia: Friends vs. Frenemies
It’s Friday, which means it’s time for Amelia Hamilton to answer your questions about play dates, air strikes, and jerkfaces.
My daughter has a friend she really enjoys and wants to hang out with. After exchanging numbers with the mother and even meeting for some time at the pool, mother will not respond to any further invitations. My daughter was desperate for her friend to come to her birthday party, but texts and emails were never returned. I’m assuming they are simply not interested in having new friends, and that’s fine, but I don’t know what to tell my daughter. How can I explain to her that, sometimes, people are “just not that into you?” — Mystified Mama
Dear Mystified,
That’s a tough one! I would suggest downplaying it, but being honest. Tell her that the friend’s mom hasn’t replied to you in a while. It could be for any reason under the sun, and sometimes we just don’t know why. It’s a bummer, but it’s okay, and it happens to everyone. Maybe arrange something fun with her other friends in the next few days to remind her that she’s going to be just fine. She will take her cues from you on how to navigate this, so don’t dwell on it or make it a big deal, but portray it as just one of those things in life that everybody has to deal with. Also, ice cream solves most things.
I have a person in my life who I thought was a friend. Now, I told him that he would be able to undertake certain projects when I had more ability to handle things on my end, but he went and started airstrikes on guys that I am supposed to be helping and, now I am looking quite the fool. I am at my wits’ end. Any suggestions?
— Confused in DC
Dear Confused,
This sounds serious. I find it hard to believe that this was ever a trustworthy friend as people don’t normally go from hugs to air strikes with no warning signs. Has he transmitted any information to you that might have tipped your hand? Is it possible you’ve been naive to such an extent that it’s just dangerous?
It sounds like you need to be firm or resign your job. I hear that there are 15 better applicants who are interested.
It seems there is a current trend of women who are attracted to “bad boys,” or men that are emotionally unavailable. Two of my female friends repeatedly ask me for advice regarding their relationships. I have told them both I don’t approve but, since neither listens to me, I would like to find a nice way to ask them to stop discussing their love interests with me.
— Lisa H.
Dear Lisa,
Watching friends make bad choices is painful. All you can do is be clear upfront, and then be there for them as a friend. Make sure that they know that, while you don’t support the jerks they’ve chosen, you always support them, that you will be there for them when it all goes south, and you won’t even tell them “I told you so” until and unless they start to go down the same path.
As for asking them not to talk about it, it’s natural to want to share the details of their lives, including their terrible boyfriends, but you can always turn it back around on them. “It seems Jerkface makes you mad more often than he makes you happy. I don’t just want to hear the negative, tell me about the last really sweet thing he did for you.”
If they has to think about it for a while, that might make them want to reevaluate their choices. If she can name a bunch of kind things off the top of her head, then be happy for her. Maybe he’s not as bad as you thought. The most important thing is that your friends are happy.
Please note, my advice would be exactly the same regardless of gender. The ladies have to treat their men well, too.
Agree? Disagree? Have something to add? Leave a comment!
To submit a question, tweet using #AskAmHam or email it to askamelia@mail.com.
Yep.
Dear Amelia,
There are some Fridays when your column doesn’t appear, or I can’t find it. Then I become sad. What should I do about it? What can you do to help me?
How about being honest and telling them that it’s getting repetitive and boring? Because I bet it is. It might be what they need to hear.
What is an “airstrike”?
I was sort of curious about that myself.
Larry3435
What is an “airstrike”?
Alright, alright, it’s Vlad Putin, ok? At first he seemed so nice, so thoughtful. Then I introduced him to my Syrian friends and he just changed!
The questioner thinks this is a “current trend”?
Current trend of the past ten-fifteen thousand years or so. Relatively recent in geological time. I came across the following from a National Geographic article while waiting for a haircut last week:
Me too. I consulted the Urban Dictionary which left me sadder but not wiser.
I suggest the nuclear option, and I’m not talking about filibusters.
Me too
Found on Urban Dictionary:
“when a someone fills all ten contact spots for a text message with the same person, so the message is received ten times over by that person. Then the sender often sends the whole message again, resulting by the end hundreds of repeat messages on someone’s phone. If the recipient’s phone is on vibrate it is even more obnoxious”
My first thought when I read the word “jerkfaces.” Was thinking back to the good old days. And Asking the question how many of my friends would fall under the term “jerkface” without a second thought.
I could think of one maybe two, out of a group of nearly 30 guys. I’m also curious if the girls in our larger group about 25 or so, thought that number was much higher.
This question goes out to the male Ricochetti, What percentages of your friends were jerkfaces back in the day? and what percentage do you think the girls in your crowd thought were jerkfaces?