— The good news for the CIA from this year’s Golden Globes ceremony: Jessica Chastain won a best actress award for her portrayal of an agency analyst in “Zero Dark Thirty.” The bad news: even Langley doesn’t have any analysts capable of figuring out what the hell Jodie Foster was talking about.
— Coca-Cola announced that it would embrace a deeper sense of social consciousness by rolling out a television ad highlighting the dangers of obesity. Never missing a chance to exploit an opening in the cola wars, Pepsi quickly reached out to the abandoned demographic with an ad campaign entitled “Drink up, Tubby!”
— The National Rifle Association came under fire for releasing a gun safety app allowing players to simulate using a handgun at a firing range. Industry experts referred to it as the most controversial advocacy group video game since GLAAD’s “Non-Heteronormative Donkey Kong.”
— In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, famed cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted to participating in an elaborate, international web of deception that allowed him to use illegal performance-enhancing drugs, even to the point of tampering with his own blood. And yet, somehow, cycling is still boring.
— In a devastating development from the world of college football, it was revealed that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o had spent the past season starring in an M. Night Shyamalan film.
— It was widely reported that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told an audience at the University of Michigan on Monday that he would support abolishing the debt ceiling. Less widely reported was his follow-up, “What do you care? We’re all going to be trading clamshells and eating each other in three years anyway.”
— Conservatives were whipped into a frenzy over President Obama’s decision to be accompanied onstage by children while proposing new gun control measures. The White House struck back at accusations that the kids were used as pawns, with a spokesman indignantly noting, “Those were not props – that was the Council of Economic Advisors!”
— Advice columnist Pauline Phillips, known to millions as “Dear Abby,” died on Wednesday at the age of 94, leaving fortune cookies and Ouija boards as the leading sources of your sister-in-law’s terrible relationship choices.
— Sarah Tressler, a Houston Chronicle journalist who was fired last year after it came to light that she also works as a stripper, was reportedly hired by the San Antonio Express-News. We regret her decision to return to a life of sin.