— President Obama announced that he is nominating his middle finger to serve as the nation’s next Secretary of Defense.
— In a severe embarrassment to the Obama Administration, it was revealed that the White House Task Force on Guns being led by Joe Biden has consisted almost entirely of the Vice President leading eight-hour sessions of the classic video game “Duck Hunt.”
— Democratic New York Congressman Jose Serrano proposed amending the Constitution to abolish presidential term limits, a development which experts agree could lead to the real-world fruition of the plot to the “Terminator” films.
— A new study out of Denmark suggested that a diet high in saturated fat may contribute to low sperm counts in men, leading researchers to declare Chelsea Clinton a medical miracle.
— At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, Lenovo unveiled plans for a tablet the size of a coffee table that allows a family of four to use the device simultaneously. “Never before,” said the company’s press release, “will you have been able to completely ignore blood relatives from such close proximity.”
— On his New York Times blog/dream journal, Paul Krugman insisted that calls for him to be appointed Treasury Secretary were misguided, claiming that he may actually have more influence in his current role as a Times columnist. A 12-week old Labrador puppy in Omaha currently being housebroken on Krugman’s “influence” could not be reached for comment.
— In a too-candid interview, NBC weatherman Al Roker admitted that he suffered a bout of incontinence on a recent visit to the White House. Roker claimed not to be embarrassed, noting “the only thing separating me from President Obama is that I didn’t see it as a model for legislation.”
— On Saturday, the Treasury Department announced that it will not embrace plans to mint a trillion-dollar platinum coin to avoid a showdown over the debt ceiling (yeah … this part isn’t even the joke). The official reasoning was that the coin wouldn’t actually have any meaningful effect on the nation’s debt crisis, though one anonymous Treasury staffer conceded, “We’re also all pretty scared that Geithner would follow it to Mordor.”
— Human rights groups expressed their outrage that a 90-year-old man in Saudi Arabia has purchased an underage girl for $20,000 with the intent of making her his wife. A clear cultural divide was at work, with the Saudi man insisting he had done nothing wrong while Western critics insisted he should at least abide by American mores and get her a show on the E! network for a couple of seasons.
— America’s short-lived war on mental illness ended, as Piers Morgan interviewed Alex Jones on national television. The growing consensus among psychological experts is that both men are projections from within the mind of a schizophrenic currently housed in a facility in upstate New York.
— ABC sports broadcaster Brent Musburger came in for widespread criticism after what critics said was his excessive fawning over University of Alabama Quarterback AJ McCarron’s girlfriend during college football’s national championship game. The condemnation was not universal, however, with fellow broadcaster Marv Albert reportedly lighting a cigarette in the hostel where he was staying and pronouncing, “That’ll do, Brent. That’ll do.”
— The National Father’s Day Council announced that it will be bestowing the honor of “Father of the Year” on former President Bill Clinton this summer. In related, but unconfirmed, news, every other father on the planet is now dead.