(A multi-millionaire donor enters Right to Rise headquarters.)
Donor: Hello, I wish to register a complaint … hello, miss?
Super PAC manager: What do you mean “miss?”
Donor: I’m sorry, I have a cold … I wish to make a complaint!
Super PAC manager: We’re closing for lunch.
Donor: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this campaign what I funded not three months ago from this very Super PAC.
Super PAC manager: Oh yes, the, uh, the Establishment Blue … What’s, uh … What’s wrong with it?
Donor: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Super PAC manager: No, no, he’s, uh … he’s resting.
Donor: Look, matey, I know a dead campaign when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Super PAC manager: No, no, he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable candidate, the Establishment Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful pedigree!
Donor: The pedigree don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Super PAC manager: Nononono, no, no! He’s restin’!
Donor: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the debate lectern) Hello, Mister Florida Governor! I’ve got a lovely fresh check for you if you show…
(Super PAC manager kicks the lectern)
Super PAC manager: There, he moved!
Donor: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the lectern!
Super PAC manager: I never!
Donor: Yes, you did!
Super PAC manager: I never, never did anything…
Donor: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) Hello Jebby! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your three a.m. phone call!
(Takes candidate and thumps head on the lectern. Pushes him toward Marco Rubio and watches him fall face-first on the floor.)
Donor: Now that’s what I call a dead campaign.
Super PAC manager: No, no … No, he’s stunned!
Super PAC manager: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Establishment Blues stun easily, major.
Donor: Um … now look, mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. That campaign is definitely deceased, and when I funded it not three months ago, you assured me that his total lack of grassroots support was due to him being tired and shagged out following a prolonged policy conference.
Super PAC manager: Well, he’s … he’s, ah … probably pining for the Everglades.
Donor: Pinin’ for the Everglades?! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment Frank Luntz mentioned him to his focus group?
Super PAC manager: The Establishment Blue prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable candidate, id’nit, squire? Lovely pedigree!
Donor: Look, I took the liberty of examining that candidate when I attended the CNBC debate, and I discovered the only reason that he had been standing on that stage in the first place was that he had been nailed there.
Super PAC manager: Well, of course he was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that candidate down, he would have tackled those other candidates, tore ’em apart with his zingers, and voom! Feeweeweewee!
Donor: “Voom?!” Mate, this campaign wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! It’s bleedin’ demised!
Super PAC manager: No, no! ‘E’s pining!
Donor: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This campaign is no more! It has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the debate stage ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s hopped the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible! This is an ex-candidate!
Super PAC manager: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the office, and, uh, we’re right out of candidates.
Donor: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Super PAC manager: (pause) I got a Kasich.
Donor: Pray, does it excite voters?
Super PAC manager: Nnnnot really.
Donor: Well it’s hardly a bloody replacement, is it?!
Super PAC manager: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Super PAC manager: D’you … d’you want to fund my Senate candidate?
Donor: (grabs checkbook) Yeah, all right, sure.