I was in the hospital this past week recovering from surgery to convert my large intestine into a semi-colon. My personal phrenologist, Hans “Bumpy” O’Cranium, who has staff privileges, looked in on me to examine new knots I acquired last week when I appeared on THE VIEW disguised as James “Serpent Head” Carville and asked Joy Behar Aspirin who weighed the most, Whoopi or Rosie.
As Bumpy probed and palpated my skull, I saw a taped interview with Chuck “Corn Rows” Schumer on the wall-mounted television. Corn Rows declared, with a straight face, that “Make America Sick Again” should be the slogan for the Obamacare repeal and replace bill.
I bolted upright in my bed, knocking Bumpy on the floor.
“Did you hear what he said?” I yelled at Bumpy. “Who writes his stuff? No one in his right mind would say something so lame. Corn Rows’ hair plugs must have penetrated his brain.”
Knowing that Corn Rows was also a patient of hers, I immediately called my longtime psychiatrist and fellow Mensa member, Dr. Sarah Bellum. She said she was aware of the pathetic slogan, and added that Corn Rows was revealing even odder things in their ongoing session.
“You’re with him now?” I asked. “I’m on my way.”
I jumped out of my hospital bed. Bumpy and I raced down the hallway to the parking garage, my hospital gown flapping. Within minutes Bumpy brought his Bentley convertible to a screeching halt outside Dr. Bellum’s office. We climbed the fire escape to the fifth floor, crawled silently through the window, and hid behind Dr. Bellum’s massive desk as Corn Rows blabbed to her. Sarah turned and winked at me as she pretended to take notes of Corn Rows’ complaints.
“And what is it makes you think the Russians planted the hair plugs into your brain?” Dr. Bellum asked.
“Who else would do something so dastardly?” Corn Rows exclaimed. “They transplanted plugs from my rear end. I couldn’t sit for a week. And the plugs start in the middle of my skull. My forehead is now big enough for Mount Rushmore. The hair is so unruly I have to plait it and slather on the goo. Putin is out to make a fool of me.”
Bumpy and I peered over the desk to see the Senator’s neatly gelled corn rows. Bumpy started giggling, but I popped him a good one in the jaw to shut him up.
“And that’s not all the Russians have done,” Corn Rows said. “They kidnapped that mentally challenged white kid in Chicago.”
“Those four didn’t look Russian to me,” Dr. Bellum said.
“They’re KGB disguised as Chicago Democrats. Maxine “Muddy” Waters and Sheila “Jackson Five” Lee have the proof.”
“What else?” Dr. Bellum asked, rolling her eyes.
“They’re behind all the Chicago murders. It’s Russians killing those black gang-bangers on the south and west sides of town.”
“Why would they do that?” she asked.
“To expose Mayor C.D. Rahm as an incompetent poseur. They orchestrated Brexit, too. Did it to pave the way for Big D’s hostile takeover of the White House.”
“Well, it’s pretty clear the Russians destroyed Aleppo,” she said.
“No. That was Putin’s pal Trump dropping those bombs. The Russians got the goods on Trump in the Ritz Carlton Moscow with those wee-weeing prostitutes that Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen hired in Prague. The Russians forced Big D to paint Trump One to look like a MIG 35 and bomb Aleppo. They’re devious, those Russkies.”
“I see,” Dr. Bellum said, winking at me again. “How do you feel about that?”
“Russians are keeping over ninety-five million able-bodied Americans out of the labor force. All the heroin in Vermont? Those poppies are grown in Siberia, just south of the Arctic Circle. And Pope Francis? The Ivans hacked into the Vatican voting machines a few years ago and got him elected. They’re calling all theological shots.”
“The Pope does seem like a socialist at times,” Sarah said.
“You remember the Tawana Brawley thing—Al Sharpton blaming the NYPD and the Assistant D.A.?”
“Russians?” she said.
“Absolutely. They set that whole thing up to make Sharpton look like a big fat liar. Then the Russians hacked into the IRS and deleted Al’s returns and payments to make it look like he owed $4.5 mil in back taxes.”
“So, what are you planning to do about all this?” Dr. Bellum asked.
“DNC has hired Eric Holder to represent us. He says the first thing we have to do is get a lot more guns really fast to those furious Russian gangsters so that when we eventually bust them, we’ll be able to trace the guns through their system, maybe all the way to Putin. Holder is also sending Lolo Lynch undercover as a midget Russian mobster with a tan. And if she gets arrested and convicted, Holder is friends with this Swiss guy, Marc Rich, who can get her a pardon.”
Bumpy came to, rubbing his jaw. We crawled silently out of the window and back down the fire escape.
“What do you think of the situation?” I asked Bumpy as he rested his right hand on my skull while driving his Bentley back to the hospital.
“Knotty,” he said.
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