I, For One, Welcome Our New IPAB Overlords

If I were the government and had a 1984-style telescreen (and who is to say that, after four more years of Obama, we won’t?), I’m sure I would see many dour conservative faces out there. And that’s okay. Given Tuesday’s election results, it’s perfectly normal for conservatives to feel as if our heads have been sliced open with a Ginsu Knife and the contents fed into a Veg-O-Matic. So don’t hold back the tears. Let it all out and cry if you want to.

But don’t succumb to complete despair. There is a bright side to Obama’s reelection, you know; several, in fact. For example:

— Have you been meaning to read Atlas Shrugged, but haven’t gotten around to it? Well, you needn’t bother now, as you’ll be experiencing it in real life.

— Has that full-time job (assuming you have one) got you too busy? Obamacare’s 30-hour work rule practically guarantees that many of those jobs “created or saved” (singlehandedly!) by President Obama will be of the part-time variety very soon. Who’s to say that the next full time worker to have his hours cut won’t be you? Just consider the extra ‘me time’ a gift from Washington.

— Any of you younger folks jealous of your parents ‘tales of derring-do during long hours spent waiting to gas up the ol’ jalopy during the Carter years? Then prepare yourself for a real treat as you stand in line to exercise your “right” to health care insurance. Though they both contain the word health, having health insurance is not the same thing as having health care. Don’t worry, you’ll understand the difference soon. And when you do, you are in for a real treat. Take it from me, whose internist accepts no insurance, of any kind — you haven’t lived until you’ve had to scrape together $2,500 for a colonoscopy.

— Speaking of health care, do you really trust yourself to make your own decisions in that department? For example, if you’re a senior citizen, are you really fit to weigh the costs and benefits of a medical treatment that could save your life? No, better to leave such decisions to an objective third party, such as a gaggle of unelected bureaucrats in Washington who don’t know you from a hole in the ground – a hole in the ground not unlike the one in which you could soon find yourself, thanks to the Independent Payment Advisory Board (don’t worry, it won’t necessarily be that bad — cremation is also an option). I, for one, welcome our new IPAB overlords.

— Are you ashamed of the U.S. dollar because, even after years of Bernanke money-printing, the darn stuff still retains just too much purchasing power? If you are, you’ll be happy to learn that the printing presses have continued to operate through the election cycle and now, with Obama around for another four years, appear unlikely to stop anytime soon. You ain’t seen nothing yet.

— Journalists longing for the days of Richard Nixon and Watergate can look forward to Benghazi-gate. As former president Bill Clinton once said, “The truth will come out.” And as someone who was temporarily disbarred for lying to a federal judge, he should know. So, all you Woodward and Bernstein wannabes out there, fire up those laptops, hit the pavement, and remember: No one died in Watergate.

— Are you embarrassed by your bad habit of taking on only as much debt as you can handle and paying it back on time? Do would-be friends shun you for your thriftiness? Do people shake their heads and sigh when you inadvertently reveal your strong credit rating? Just remind them that S&P has already downgraded the credit rating for the entire nation. And if that doesn’t do the trick, inform them that Fitch is threatening a second downgrade. So in fact, you are in debt. We all are.