The Extraordinary Life of Barack Obama’s Imaginary Son

 

In an upcoming People magazine interview, Barack and Michelle Obama sit down and discuss life as the First Oppressed Couple of the United States. Hoping to shed light and relate to recent events in Ferguson, Missouri, and New York City, Barack reached into the upstairs White House bedroom of his mind and called upon his famous imaginary son to make an appearance:

The small irritations or indignities that we experience are nothing compared to what a previous generation experienced,” President Obama said. “It’s one thing for me to be mistaken for a waiter at a gala. It’s another thing for my son to be mistaken for a robber and to be handcuffed, or worse, if he happens to be walking down the street and is dressed the way teenagers dress.

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Once again, Barack Obama’s imaginary son has found himself unfairly in trouble with the law. If you recall, his imaginary son was also shot by an imaginary neighborhood watch guard in the same style as Trayvon Martin. But Obama’s imaginary son is plucky and resilient and has lived a hard life in the hood so he keeps bouncing back.

In his life, Obama’s imaginary son has been shot at, concussed out of football, and racially profiled. Yet he keeps picking himself up and carrying on. Obama’s imaginary son should be an example to us all. No matter what kind of imaginary circumstances we find ourselves in, we can continue on with our imaginary lives.

One day this country can hopefully move on from racism experienced by imaginary people — and, let’s face it, the country doesn’t have the best of history of its treatment of imaginary people. We have, however, made progress in the civil rights of imaginary people and for that we, as a country, should be proud. We shouldn’t ignore, however, the real truth that racism toward imaginary sons is still a real problem, as our President constantly reminds us. We can’t be afraid to have the conversation, no matter how painful it might be, about continuing the racial healing of imaginary people.

President Obama, however, also should look inward and ask why his imaginary son continues to put himself in these situations. Perhaps it is also his own failings as an imaginary parent. Maybe his imaginary son is trying to rebel against the pressures that come with being the first imaginary son of the United States. Perhaps the President can get him some better-fitting clothes and tell him to stay in school instead of having constant run-ins with imaginary police.

Obama himself has been racially profiled so much in his life that, in order to relate to the struggles in Ferguson, he has to cite an imaginary person out of thin air to prove it. Obama’s American story apparently isn’t overcoming an absent father, being raised by loving grandparents, attending Columbia and Harvard Universities, and becoming President of the United States.

His story, as we are constantly reminded, is been being mistaken for a waiter, something his closest adviser also did to a four-star general. “Before [becoming president], Barack Obama was a black man that lived on the South Side of Chicago, who had his share of troubles catching cabs,” the First Lady said in the interview. 

In the same conversation, Michelle Obama claimed a woman profiled her by asking for help to reach for something off a shelf during her (widely publicized) trip to Target:

I tell this story – I mean, even as the first lady – during that wonderfully publicized trip I took to Target, not highly disguised, the only person who came up to me in the store was a woman who asked me to help her take something off a shelf. Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her. Those kinds of things happen in life. So it isn’t anything new.

Silly racist peasant asking our Queen for assistance.

alg-michelle-obama-target-jpg

The President of the United States seems more comfortable citing the struggles of his imaginary son than the privileged successes of his real daughters. In truth, Obama’s son would have attended private schools in Chicago, just like his daughters. He would then be attending Sidwell Private School in DC, just like his real daughters. Obama’s imaginary son would get his pick of any college in the world, just like his real daughters. His imaginary son would then go on to any career he chose, in medicine, law, Hollywood, or Wall Street, just like his real daughters. But that doesn’t fit the divisive racial narrative — so his son lives the hard-knock life.

According to Obama, we still have much work to do in the race relations of imaginary people. Unfortunately, the healing can’t begin until the country moves on from this imaginary President

 

There are 64 comments.

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  1. Member

    Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her.”

    I think she saw her as someone who was tall. Even I, a non-imaginary white guy, have had people ask me to help them reach items that were on the top shelf at the store. So I too know that oppression. Someday we shall overcome, and little old ladies can just knock that can of soup off the shelf with their canes.

    • #1
    • December 17, 2014 at 9:03 am
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  2. Contributor

    Stephen Miller:In the same conversation, Michelle Obama claimed a woman profiled her by helping her reach for something off a shelf during her (widely publicized) trip to Target:

    I tell this story – I mean, even as the first lady – during that wonderfully publicized trip I took to Target, not highly disguised, the only person who came up to me in the store was a woman who asked me to help her take something off a shelf. Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her. Those kinds of things happen in life. So it isn’t anything new.

    This happens to me on a weekly basis. It’s the downside of having strong arms, your highness.

    • #2
    • December 17, 2014 at 9:10 am
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  3. Member

    Do you think Obama’s imaginary son and Cory Booker’s imaginary friend are one in the same? T-Bone Hussein Obama?

    • #3
    • December 17, 2014 at 9:40 am
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  4. Member

    Classic.

    • #4
    • December 17, 2014 at 9:47 am
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  5. Member

    When one of us finally perfects a device that can change the past, let’s use it to grant Barack Obama a real son and an imaginary presidency.

    • #5
    • December 17, 2014 at 9:51 am
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  6. Coolidge

    Frank Soto:

    I tell this story – I mean, even as the first lady – during that wonderfully publicized trip I took to Target, not highly disguised, the only person who came up to me in the store was a woman who asked me to help her take something off a shelf. Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her. Those kinds of things happen in life. So it isn’t anything new.

    This is blatant discrimination to the vertically enhanced. How dare those short people ask her for help to reach something high? Haven’t the tall had to endure enough. Ceiling fans, airplane leg room, doorway lintels or having to be asked “hey how’s the weather up there?” on a constant basis. Perhaps, Mrs. Obama should start a movement so that we short folks can understand the trials of being tall in a short world.

    • #6
    • December 17, 2014 at 10:08 am
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  7. Member

    I think it is time for a national conversation about heightism. #talllivesmatter

    • #7
    • December 17, 2014 at 10:09 am
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  8. Member

    Vance Richards: Barack Obama was a black man that lived on the South Side of Chicago, who had his share of troubles catching cabs,” the First Lady said in the interview.

    This “blacks can’t get a cab” shibboleth bugs me. When’s the last time you saw a white cab driver? If blacks are having trouble getting a cab, it’s because other minorities (including blacks) don’t want to pick them up.

    • #8
    • December 17, 2014 at 10:25 am
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  9. Member

    Being vertically challenged, I’m going to start lobbying to lower the shelves! I don’t want to have to oppress tall people anymore. There oughta be a law restricting shelf height so that we could bring all the people — tall and short — together at last. The great left wing leveling project fulfilled!

    #lowertheshelves!

    • #9
    • December 17, 2014 at 10:25 am
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  10. Member

    Matede:

    Frank Soto:

    I tell this story – I mean, even as the first lady – during that wonderfully publicized trip I took to Target, not highly disguised, the only person who came up to me in the store was a woman who asked me to help her take something off a shelf. Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her. Those kinds of things happen in life. So it isn’t anything new.

    I have learned not to go into Target while wearing a bright red shirt. You get asked for help a LOT if you do.

    • #10
    • December 17, 2014 at 10:26 am
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  11. Coolidge

    Miffed White Male:

    Matede:

    Frank Soto:

    I tell this story – I mean, even as the first lady – during that wonderfully publicized trip I took to Target, not highly disguised, the only person who came up to me in the store was a woman who asked me to help her take something off a shelf. Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her. Those kinds of things happen in life. So it isn’t anything new.

    I have learned not to go into Target while wearing a bright red shirt. You get asked for help a LOT if you do.

    That happened to me also. I was wearing a red sweater with khaki pants. I was constantly asked where things were, even the guy that worked there asked me when my break was. I had no idea I was being discriminated against, just an unfortunate choice of attire.

    • #11
    • December 17, 2014 at 10:31 am
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  12. Thatcher

    Several times I’ve been asked to get things off high shelves by complete strangers. I’ve done so. The person usually thanks me. Who knew I was a victim of racism?

    The advantage of having an imaginary son is that one can make up all sorts of crazy situations he can get into just because the nation is so racist.

    Actually, I think Pres. Obama suffers from a lack of imagination. My imaginary son has done the following:

    Saved the world (several times) using superpowers, spy skills, or elite space-fight piloting skills …

    Become a Jedi

    Defeated the Sith

    Defeated a Dragon

    Defeated a Sith Dragon

    Outsmarted the fae.

    Led enemy spies on the most awesome car chase since Bullitt (which is the best car chase in movie history).

    All I’m saying, Mr. President, is that if you have an imaginary son, he really needs to get out more. Stop victimizing your imaginary son and let him soar. Literally. I mean, I can give my imaginary son wings if I like, because now he’s a mutant with the X-Men and an awesome new key member of the team and he doesn’t let anti-mutant attitudes get him down.

    • #12
    • December 17, 2014 at 10:40 am
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  13. Member

    Western Chauvinist:Being vertically challenged, I’m going to start lobbying to lower the shelves! I don’t want to have to oppress tall people anymore. There oughta be a law restricting shelf height so that we could bring all the people — tall and short — together at last. The great left wing leveling project fulfilled!

    #lowertheshelves!

    That sounds like a lot of work. I mean, this is America, can’t you just make a tall black person get things for you?

    • #13
    • December 17, 2014 at 10:56 am
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  14. Thatcher

    Ooo! Now I can see Pres. Obama’s imaginary son threatened by a racist lynch mob and unable to get away as he’s disoriented due to aforementioned concussion, but then my imaginary son swoops in and saves the President’s imaginary son in the nick of time. Now my imaginary son is a National Hero and gets praise and the President comes out in support of mutants and it’s awesome.

    Obama’s imaginary kid really needs a better imaginer.

    • #14
    • December 17, 2014 at 11:06 am
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  15. Thatcher

    Is Obama’s imaginary son from his composite girlfriend?

    • #15
    • December 17, 2014 at 11:46 am
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  16. Thatcher
    TG

    You know, it’s a shame that person in Target mistook Mrs. Obama for someone who might care.

    • #16
    • December 17, 2014 at 12:17 pm
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  17. Member

    I guess we’re lucky he doesn’t have an imaginary rabbit, too.

    • #17
    • December 17, 2014 at 12:23 pm
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  18. Member

    I’m an old white lady, of medium height, and get asked all the time to help a shorter person get stuff down from top shelves. Didn’t know it was a racist act.

    • #18
    • December 17, 2014 at 12:24 pm
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  19. Thatcher

    Of course, who else is that lady going to ask for help? The news crew taking footage will be too busy, and the Secret Service nearby are too scary and keeping others away.

    • #19
    • December 17, 2014 at 12:28 pm
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  20. Member

    Mrs. O’s pathetic gripe is not only that she was asked for help, which could only have meant that she was seen as subservient, but that she was not recognized (she was “not highly disguised”)! The administration may not be transparent, but she and hubby are.

    • #20
    • December 17, 2014 at 12:29 pm
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  21. Member

    His son’s name is Julius, clearly.

    • #21
    • December 17, 2014 at 12:32 pm
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  22. Member

    Wait until Queen Clinton drives her imaginary car.

    • #22
    • December 17, 2014 at 12:47 pm
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  23. Member

    Maybe we’ll find out one day that he’s not imaginary after all.

    • #23
    • December 17, 2014 at 12:59 pm
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  24. Reagan
    iWe

    I am gobsmacked that Michelle cannot hear herself. How DARE someone think that this woman in a store might be able to help?! Doesn’t she know that liberals don’t do that?!

    • #24
    • December 17, 2014 at 1:06 pm
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  25. Inactive

    This issue wouldn’t have arisen in a Romney administration for two reasons: 1) Mormons don’t need imaginary children; and 2) Romney actually has a black grandson.

    • #25
    • December 17, 2014 at 1:10 pm
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  26. Thatcher

    Hey, everybody remember when Valerie Jarrett mistook a four-star general for a waiter?

    • #26
    • December 17, 2014 at 1:28 pm
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  27. Thatcher

    I am a middle aged, overweight white guy. Strangely enough I regularly get mistakenly stopped by others.

    Last year I got stopped by a police officer during an Amber Alert. I was polite, let them check my truck for a kid and they did not shoot me.

    Multiple times last year I was in a Best Buys and was mistaken for an employee and asked for various help. I directed the mistaken people to somebody that could help them. I was not offended, actually I thought it was sort of funny.

    At Krogers an older lady asked if I could help her load her car. I am not a bag boy but I did help her and was not offended.

    At the mall a small child scared me to death by grabbing my hand and calling me dad. When she realized her error she screamed and her mother gave me a strange look but I was not offended or arrested, but did leave quickly since such outcomes are now easily possible for middle aged white dudes.

    I was out a couple years ago at an event and a guy with a nice car handed me a set of keys. I thanked him, told him I always wanted one of those and asked him how fast he thought I could get it to go. He took the keys away a gave them to a younger man in a suit that I assumed he thought was more deserving of his car.

    Several times over the last couple of years I have had various people that I take to be store security follow me around their store. I usually start following these people around just to have fun.

    For some reason everytime I fly I get “elected” for the enhanced pat down procedure under the mistaken impression that I am a terrorist in waiting. I like to joke with these folks and see if I can embarrass them.

    I did not think about it at the time, but have I been profiled? Have I been racially discriminated against? Have I been oppressed? Should I have been offended? I have always thought that such things are life and just go with it.

    • #27
    • December 17, 2014 at 2:05 pm
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  28. Member

    TG:You know, it’s a shame that person in Target mistook Mrs. Obama for someone who might care.

    She cares only for the goodies the taxpayers give her as a perk for being married to the POS sitting in OUR White House. Wish to heck that congress would cut their perks off. Two more years and several billion $$ more?

    • #28
    • December 17, 2014 at 2:23 pm
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  29. Member

    One of the best posts I have read anywhere in a long time. I am so tired of the complaints of this priveleged couple or pseudo-aristocrats, neither of whom ever experienced anything but the benefits of being Affirmative Action Babies at the top of the order.

    Thank you Stephen for a superb piece of writing.

    • #29
    • December 17, 2014 at 3:00 pm
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  30. Member

    Michelle Obama’s story about being micro-aggressed at Target had a very different spin when she related the incident two and a half years ago on David Letterman’s show.

    “That’s my Target run. I went to Target,” she said. “I thought I was undercover. I have to tell you something about this trip though. No one knew that was me because a woman actually walked up to me, right? I was in the detergent aisle, and she said — I kid you not — she said, ‘Excuse me, I just have to ask you something,’ and I thought, ‘Oh, cover’s blown.’ She said, ‘Can you reach on that shelf and hand me the detergent?’ I kid you not.”

    As the audience laughed, she went on, “And the only thing she said — I reached up, ’cause she was short, and I reached up, pulled it down — she said, ‘Well, you didn’t have to make it look so easy.’ That was my interaction. I felt so good. … She had no idea who I was. I thought, as soon as she walked up — I was with my assistant, and I said, ‘This is it, it’s over. We’re going to have to leave.’ She just needed the detergent.”

    Then, she was happy that she could go out incognito, and how good it felt to just be friendly toward a short person who needed assistance.

    Now it’s evidence of racism.

    Please always keep in mind that Barry and Michelle are fabulists of the highest order. Grade Five Personalities, able to spin tales with such ease that they manage to believe their own BS.

    • #30
    • December 17, 2014 at 3:00 pm
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