Coming Next Fall: The DMV Quarter-Zip Fleece

Words fail:

The U.S. Postal Service is taking unprecedented steps to make itself relevant and profitable these days.

The cash-strapped agency announced plans on Tuesday to launch a new line of all-weather apparel and accessories sometime next year.

… The Postal Service chose “Rain Heat & Snow” as its own brand name, alluding to its unofficial motto: “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

Only men’s apparel and accessories will be available initially, but the agency plans to add a women’s line in the future, it said Tuesday.

… “This agreement will put the Postal Service on the cutting edge of functional fashion,” agency licensing manager Steven Mills said in a statement. “The main focus will be to produce Rain Heat & Snow apparel and accessories using technology to create ‘smart apparel’ — also known as wearable electronics.”

[Postal Service spokesman Roy] Betts said the Postal Service plans to sell its apparel and accessories in premium department stores and specialty stores, but not at post offices. He said the agency plans to make the products available in 2014.

The Postal Service decided to launch a clothing line as a way to promote and strengthen its brand, as well as to generate money, according to Betts.

The licensing agreement allows the Postal Service to collect royalty fees for its new product line without investing money to produce the gear, Betts said.

Prediction #1: There will be sales. They will all, however, be ironic.

Prediction #2: If you order “Rain Heat & Snow” gear online, it will come via UPS or FedEx.

Prediction #3: When the history of the USPS’s insolvency is written, this will merit about a sentence in the paragraph on the desperate flailing that took place as the agency continued to deny reality.