And for Luge, Bonus Points Just for Participating

In the latest season of Jerry Seinfeld’s online schmoozefest, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, one of his guests is David Letterman. During their conversation, the subject of football happened to arise, and Letterman apprised Seinfeld of a few changes he thinks would markedly improve the game:

I think they should get rid of timeouts. I think they should get rid of punts. And also, I think they should be allowed to play as many guys at once as they’d like. If you’ve got a play for forty guys, send ’em in. Your team gets three successive first downs. You then have the option of running a play with two balls.

I like where he’s going with this. Although I’m a traditionalist when it comes to baseball, I’m all for changing pretty much every other game in existence. To wit:

Soccer: There should no longer be any such thing as ending a game with no score. A game that ends with no score is existentially weird, and very boring. If no score is achieved after an hour and a half, the game should be decided by tug-of-war.

Tennis: Animal grunts should be met with a two-point penalty.

Basketball: No shorts that are roomy enough to conceal spare basketballs should be permitted. 

Swimming: The meter restriction currently in place on that thing they do when they dive in and then undulate like fish before breaking the surface should be lifted immediately. More undulating, I say.

Gymnastics: A few extra tenths should be awarded for hang time. Gymnasts on the floor exercise, when they’re at the top of their game, sometimes seem to slow down in midair, the way Baryshnikov used to during a grand jete. That should be worth something.

Skating: No feathers for male skaters under any circumstances. Sequins, however, are A-OK. Similarly, mascara and eyeliner are fine, but lip gloss and rouge should be met with a three-tenths’ deduction.

How about you? Any sport improvements you wish you could make?