On Instant Apologies and Sincerity

 

A recent event got me thinking about apologies. Apologies can be a lot of things. Some people seem to apologize for living, using it as a form of social lubrication like “Please” and “Thank you.” They pass apologies out without thought like one might shake pepper onto eggs. These apologies might be sincere, but neither deeply thought about, nor long remembered. They are the accidental-stepping-on-your-foot apologies: “So sorry! I can be terribly clumsy.” Or they are the apologies for the vagaries of life: “So sorry it rained.” or “So sorry you didn’t enjoy the movie.”

Others might use apologies as a peace offering. The spouse is in an uproar over something? Let’s try to ratchet down the temperature. What’s that I’m supposed to say to do this? Oh, yeah, “I’m sorry, dear. It’s all my fault.” Some such apologies might be sincere, but I’m betting most are not. They are sincere peace offerings, but not sincere apologies. Not many people are going to be willing to sustain a long-term state of war over small things that don’t matter to them that much, and if a little lie helps get things moving again, they’ll do it.

Then there are the coerced apologies. We see these all the time now that the little platoons of civilization have given way to the mobs of destruction. Of course, they were always out there before, too. The teacher or the boss who wanted peace within his domain demanded the perceived miscreants apologize and shake hands and get back to work. The problem is that these apologies are seldom sincere, and even more seldom believed. They are the confessions at the show trials. These are instant apologies that have not had time enough to percolate. They haven’t had time to develop, to sprout from a real seed of remorse, to reach for the sun of forgiveness. If one accidentally steps on another person’s foot, an instant apology is fine. But if someone really hurts another, not just a temporary pain like that foot step, but emotional trauma or psychological harm, an instant apology is not going to cut it. To the instant apologizer, I say, “Go out in the wilderness and contemplate your sins.”

This is why those who demand apologies, especially on behalf of others, are wrong. They are encouraging insincerity. They are also hardening the hearts of those they are demanding apologies from. Inside, the person being attacked by the apology brigade might be saying, “I’m right. It’s the other guy who’s wrong and needs to apologize. The only apology you’ll get is, ‘And the horse you rode in on, pal!’” But maybe this person mouths or types the words of an apology out of social lubrication reasons or fear of the mob or the boss or whomever. It’s all a show for the outer world. But inside, he knows he was right all along. Now, he is the one who is wronged. The wound festers. It doesn’t matter if he really was in the wrong or being obtuse. The scenario is shifted in his mind. He may never mention it again, but he remembers what the demanders did to him and how they made him lie and break his integrity with their bullying. And he was right all along! At least in his own mind.

It’s alright to point out that what someone said or did might not have come from their best or highest self. But don’t corner a scared or angry rat with your words. Don’t make that person the victim, even if only in their minds, by your actions. Of course, the old dictum of “Know your audience” always applies. Among my friends, a gentle chastisement of this sort might be, “Smooth move, rock head.” Of course, we probably wouldn’t say “smooth” or be as polite as “rock head,” but you get the gist. It expresses dismay at the action without demanding action or otherwise cornering the person who did it.

As I said above, real apologies need time to develop, to sprout from a seed of remorse, to reach for the sun of forgiveness. That is because real and sincere apologies stem from change, and people do not change instantly. They do not spin around on a dime from being fallen humans to being perfect angels. Change takes time and rumination. I know I personally would rather have a well-thought out and sincere apology two weeks after the fact than a coerced and insincere instant apology. For that matter, I would take the well-thought out and sincere apology ten years later. People do change, but they seldom change instantly. People can recognize their mistakes and learn from them, but seldom instantly.

If we’re going to demand anything, let us not demand apologies. Let us demand integrity, healing, and change. All of these take time.

G-d bless.

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  1. JoelB Member
    JoelB
    @JoelB

    True debate and understanding can never come about when an offense arises and an apology is demanded for every perceived difference or slight no matter how small or obscure.  My Pastor used to tell new church members that they would be be loved in the congregation and if there is anything that gives offence, to assume that it is done out of ignorance and not out of malice. 

    • #1
  2. The Scarecrow Thatcher
    The Scarecrow
    @TheScarecrow

    Wise words.

    Arahant: This is why those who demand apologies, especially on behalf of others, are wrong.

    And almost always the others haven’t asked for the apology, nor want or need one.

    Good rule of thumb: If your apology is to “anyone who might have been offended”, it is unnecessary.

    • #2
  3. Front Seat Cat Member
    Front Seat Cat
    @FrontSeatCat

    You write a good post, and I have to disagree with it. “If we’re going to demand anything, let us not demand apologies. Let us demand integrity, healing, and change. All of these take time.”  Sorry A, but this sounds like a Democrat talking point – from Obama’s book of tricks. I agree that not all apologies are necessary or the same, but I think we need more – a lot more. They’ve become lop-sided – for example: These claims that there is racism all over, and demands for apologies and reparations from radicals who use violence against innocent people, businesses and ignore law and order? 

    We’re becoming a heartless, cold society and we need more apologies. Like, “I’m sorry I burned down your business sir and madam – I will ask your forgiveness and help you rebuild”………. If someone wants to say I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well or I stepped on your toe, I’ll take it – at least it’s a start….

    • #3
  4. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    A very fine description of the apology in our times, Arahant. It gives us much to ponder. Thanks.

    • #4
  5. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    There is also the hostile, aggressive, finger-pointing apology that places the blame on the other person:  “I apologize if anyone was offended.”   In other words, “It’s your fault for being offended. You shouldn’t be such an idiot.” 

     

    • #5
  6. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Front Seat Cat (View Comment):
    You write a good post, and I have to disagree with it.

    Good. This isn’t a mutual lovefest society. Thank you.

    Front Seat Cat (View Comment):
    We’re becoming a heartless, cold society and we need more apologies. Like, “I’m sorry I burned down your business sir and madam – I will ask your forgiveness and help you rebuild”

    Alright, but how is that apology going to come? There are only two ways I see. Either it is coerced through a court order that includes an apology and specific form of community service as part of the punishment, or it will come through sincere change in the person, because the types of people who riot and burn down businesses are the types who also feel they are justified in what they are doing. Would I take the coerced version in that case? Yes, I probably would, not because I believed it to be sincere, but because I would hope that working with such a person would humanize their victims for them.

    Front Seat Cat (View Comment):
    If someone wants to say I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well or I stepped on your toe, I’ll take it. . .

    I have encountered a certain type of person who definitely overdoes it with the apologies. The toe-stepping, fine. But apologizing for the weather or someone else’s illness or any number of other things make me ask questions.

    “You’re sorry the weather canceled my plans? Why? Were you doing a rain dance last night?”

    “You’re sorry I’m not feeling well? Why? Did you slip poison in my coffee?”

    Now, I know that this is a form of politesse in some cultures or sub-cultures, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t annoy me. On the other hand, I wouldn’t really ask a question like those above. I think them, though.

    Another of those bits of politesse that I find annoying is the thank you-thank you. Some people seem not to know how to accept thanks or to be able to say the words, “You’re welcome.” If I say, “Thank you for doing this for me,” I expect a “You’re welcome” reply. I don’t want, “Thank you for giving me this opportunity to serve you!” “Look, pal, the reason I needed you to help me here is that I broke my back. Don’t thank me for breaking my back.” The thank you-thank you really annoys me at times.

    But then, I am a curmudgeon.

    • #6
  7. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    There is also the hostile, aggressive, finger-pointing apology that places the blame on the other person: “I apologize if anyone was offended.” In other words, “It’s your fault for being offended. You shouldn’t be such an idiot.”

    Indeed, and that is one of the types that a demand for an apology is likely to engender. Back someone into a corner, they might comply to your demands in their own fashion.

    • #7
  8. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens
    @BryanGStephens

    If I see someone attack friend, I am well within my rights to demand an apology. If an apology is warranted by social convention, it is good to Sj for it from another. If it is outrageous, a demand is reasonable.  

    There is a huge difference between demanding apology on behalf of someone who is offended, and demanding one on behalf of someone who was not but should have been.

     

    • #8
  9. Doug Kimball Thatcher
    Doug Kimball
    @DougKimball

    We have this cowering class of bullies who run around demanding that America apologize and genuflect at the alter of  wokeness.  There is no bottom for the contempt I feel for them and the busybodies who support them, who demand  contrition for sins fashioned out of my skin color, circumstance or forbears. 

    And to those who take this abuse and declare themselves cleansed, their original sins washed away, you’ve not done anything.  You have encouraged the mob and their supporters.  Nothing is forgiven.  The things they accuse you of are phantoms  and they will project them on you and on me as long as it suits them to do so.

    A bully does not respond to an apology, but to a black eye or a bloody lip.  In this politically correct wimpdom, we can’t just deck someone, slap them or call them out for satisfaction, pistols or swords fashion.  But we can refuse to submit.

    An apology is cheap revenge for them.  It will never satisfy them.

    • #9
  10. Ontheleftcoast Inactive
    Ontheleftcoast
    @Ontheleftcoast

    The coercer these days is often one who thinks he/she is in the position to echo the first Great Khan:

    The pleasure and joy of man lies in treading down the rebel and conquering the enemy, in tearing him up by the root, in taking from him all that he has.

     

     

    • #10
  11. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    I tried to cover unintentionally offending other Ricochetois in my profile when I wrote it years ago.

    If you came back here because I wrote something that was out of line, please know that you are probably taking it more seriously than I did – unless I specifically called you a “doody-head,” in which case it’s on!

    The chivalric ideal is to never give wanton offense. Wanton in this sense means both deliberate and unprovoked.

    • #11
  12. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Percival (View Comment):

    I tried to cover unintentionally offending other Ricochetois in my profile when I wrote it years ago.

    If you came back here because I wrote something that was out of line, please know that you are probably taking it more seriously than I did – unless I specifically called you a “doody-head,” in which case it’s on!

    The chivalric ideal is to never give wanton offense. Wanton in this sense means both deliberate and unprovoked.

    Sure, but you’re a doody-head. 😜

    • #12
  13. Ontheleftcoast Inactive
    Ontheleftcoast
    @Ontheleftcoast

    Percival (View Comment):

    I tried to cover unintentionally offending other Ricochetois in my profile when I wrote it years ago.

    If you came back here because I wrote something that was out of line, please know that you are probably taking it more seriously than I did – unless I specifically called you a “doody-head,” in which case it’s on!

    The chivalric ideal is to never give wanton offense. Wanton in this sense means both deliberate and unprovoked.

    It’s interesting that the following maxim (or variations on the theme) seems to have originated early in the 20th century

    A gentleman is a man who never gives offense unintentionally.

    John Wayne said:

    I try to live my life to the fullest without hurting anybody else. I try not to unintentionally hurt anybody’s feelings. If I do hurt anybody’s feelings, I had all intention of hurting them.”

     

    • #13
  14. Jim McConnell Member
    Jim McConnell
    @JimMcConnell

    The Scarecrow (View Comment):

    Good rule of thumb: If your apology is to “anyone who might have been offended”, it is unnecessary.

    Or insincere.

    • #14
  15. Charlotte Member
    Charlotte
    @Charlotte

    Arahant: I know I personally would rather have a well-thought out and sincere apology two weeks after the fact than a coerced and insincere instant apology. For that matter, I would take the well-thought out and sincere apology ten years later.

    I think about this all the time. There are plenty of people who to whom I owe an apology (I’m thinking specifically of mistreating classmates in middle school, that sort of thing), but is it better to let those episodes lie than to stir up bitter memories, awkwardness, confusion, etc.?

    I don’t know the answer.

    • #15
  16. Ontheleftcoast Inactive
    Ontheleftcoast
    @Ontheleftcoast

    Jim McConnell (View Comment):

    The Scarecrow (View Comment):

    Good rule of thumb: If your apology is to “anyone who might have been offended”, it is unnecessary.

    Or insincere.

    “Sorry, not sorry.”

    • #16
  17. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Ontheleftcoast (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):

    I tried to cover unintentionally offending other Ricochetois in my profile when I wrote it years ago.

    If you came back here because I wrote something that was out of line, please know that you are probably taking it more seriously than I did – unless I specifically called you a “doody-head,” in which case it’s on!

    The chivalric ideal is to never give wanton offense. Wanton in this sense means both deliberate and unprovoked.

    It’s interesting that the following maxim (or variations on the theme) seems to have originated early in the 20th century

    A gentleman is a man who never gives offense unintentionally.

    John Wayne said:

    I try to live my life to the fullest without hurting anybody else. I try not to unintentionally hurt anybody’s feelings. If I do hurt anybody’s feelings, I had all intention of hurting them.”

     

    Those are both within the guidelines.

    • #17
  18. Ontheleftcoast Inactive
    Ontheleftcoast
    @Ontheleftcoast

    Even better if you can forestall the need for an apology which will never be offered:

     

    • #18
  19. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Ontheleftcoast (View Comment):
    Even better if you can forestall the need for an apology which will never be offered:

    I like the way you think.

    • #19
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