Apologies for These “Enlightened” Times

 

I feel like I should apologize. I don’t know why, but it seems to be the trendy thing to do these days.

Going through life with poorly pigmented skin, I, of course, say and do bigoted things and I would like to apologize for the following:

  • When COVID started and I said, “Maybe people shouldn’t eat bats.” I apologize to the people of China for that statement and acknowledge the inherent racism in that statement.
  • Months later when I said, “COVID probably didn’t come from a bat,” I realize that too is racist and ask the nation of China to forgive me.
  • For the time I tried to argue that, “Technically, only Hitler can be ‘literally’ Hitler,” I am sorry. What I thought was logic was really just excusing hate.
  • For that time when I was 12 and repeated an ethnic joke, I apologize. Years later, when I met a Polish electrician, I realized that he could change a lightbulb all by himself and did not need two other countrymen to turn that ladder while he held the bulb. It was ignorant of me to suggest otherwise.
  • Along those lines, I now know that the Italian Sparrow, and not the fly, is the national bird of Italy. Sorry.
  • When asked, “What can a man do that a woman can’t?” I once flippantly replied, “Write their name in the snow.” My comment ignored the “fact” that many women have penises.
  • For using scare quotes around the word fact in my statement above, I apologize.
  • For finding attractive women more desirable than unattractive ones, I apologize. Sure, youthful drunkenness helped me overcome that phobia a few times in the past, but there is still no excuse for lookism.
  • For the time in church when I said, “Please rise and sing Hymn #136,” I apologize for my cavalier attitude. Obviously, a paralyzed person would have felt uncomfortable with that command. The fact that there weren’t any paralyzed people in church that day is no excuse for ableism.
  • For asking, “Baby-Daddy? Don’t you mean father?” I am sorry. It seemed like a reasonable question at the time.
  • For suggesting that, “burning down Black-owned businesses may not be the best way to combat racism against Black people,” I apologize. That was my privilege speaking.
  • For suggesting that, “maybe the 2016 election was fair and not rigged by Russia,” I apologize.
  • For suggesting in 2020 that, “perhaps there was at least some level of fraud.” I was mistaken. I have now been told that it is impossible for there to ever be any fraud in an election. Why would I have ever thought otherwise?
  • For the numerous non-controversial statements I have made that may someday become controversial, I apologize in advance.

Thank you and please don’t cancel me.

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  1. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter
    @JimmyCarter

    Vance Richards: it seems to be trendy thing to do these days.

    Bill Clinton was apologizing for America around the world back in the ’90s.

    • #1
  2. CACrabtree Coolidge
    CACrabtree
    @CACrabtree

    Not bad, but come back when you’re ready to discuss reparations…

    • #2
  3. DonG (2+2=5. Say it!) Coolidge
    DonG (2+2=5. Say it!)
    @DonG

    I’ll believe you are truly sorry, when you erase your entire presence from the internet.   Start with those BBS postings you made in 1988. 

    • #3
  4. Gossamer Cat Coolidge
    Gossamer Cat
    @GossamerCat

    I’m sorry that I can’t accept your apology.  Now if you had said it in Mandarin…

    • #4
  5. Django Member
    Django
    @Django

    CACrabtree (View Comment):

    Not bad, but come back when you’re ready to discuss reparations…

    You know, I just discovered that my great-grandfather fought in the Civil War on the Union side. It cost him the family fortune. 

    OK; the family fortune was a few acres, a mule, plow, and a still, but still he lost it. Who knows what he might have done with it. So, I want my reparations and I want only black people or Irish indentured servants to pay. 

    • #5
  6. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    Vance Richards:

    • For that time when I was 12 and repeated an ethnic joke, I apologize. Years later when I met a Polish electrician, I realized that he could change a lightbulb all by himself and did not need two other countrymen to turn that ladder while he held the bulb. It was ignorantly of me to suggest otherwise.
    •  

    It’s OK, man.  My mom’s side of the family is half Polish and they love hearing Polish jokes.

    • #6
  7. Hoyacon Member
    Hoyacon
    @Hoyacon

    I apologize for liking this post.

    • #7
  8. The Scarecrow Thatcher
    The Scarecrow
    @TheScarecrow

    Wonderful! Best laugh in a long time (well, since Mark’s meme post a few minutes ago).  Keep ’em coming!

    • #8
  9. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):

    Vance Richards:

    • For that time when I was 12 and repeated an ethnic joke, I apologize. Years later when I met a Polish electrician, I realized that he could change a lightbulb all by himself and did not need two other countrymen to turn that ladder while he held the bulb. It was ignorantly of me to suggest otherwise.
    •  

    It’s OK, man. My mom’s side of the family is half Polish and they love hearing Polish jokes.

    I dated a Polish girl and she knew more Polish jokes than I did – and they were funnier!

    • #9
  10. Max Knots Member
    Max Knots
    @MaxKnots

    Unfortunately, an apology is never enough. Once the cancel mob smells blood, your only defense is to mock and ridicule their ideas. You might as well go down swinging…

     

    Good post.

    • #10
  11. Susan Quinn Contributor
    Susan Quinn
    @SusanQuinn

    Well done, Vance! Thanks for such a clever post!

    • #11
  12. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty
    @BasilFawlty

    A charter member of Ricochet can never apologize enough.

    • #12
  13. Henry Racette Contributor
    Henry Racette
    @HenryRacette

    Congratulations, Vance. You just took a “Best in Class” for this kind of parody.

    (And I feel sorry for those who might have posted something similar, but who were prevented because their minority status makes it hard for them to use the internet.)

    • #13
  14. philo Member
    philo
    @philo

    Vance Richards: For that time when I was 12 and repeated an ethnic joke…

    I’m dealing with the other end of the spectrum. My aging mother still uses the “b” word…you know  “bohunk.”  (Of course, it is hard to blame her seeing as she comes from a long line of such creatures and lives in an area where it is impossible to swing a dead cat without hitting two or three of them.)  Can you cancel someone who will not remember being canceled ten minutes after the fact? 

    • #14
  15. Vance Richards Member
    Vance Richards
    @VanceRichards

    Oh, did I mention that I like apple pie . . .

    • #15
  16. Joker Member
    Joker
    @Joker

    Great post Vance, and excellent observation Basil.

    But to Basil’s point, are you getting far enough ahead of the curve? I can see the day where vegetable suffering will concern the Enlightened. A world where the the fact that you’ve enjoyed chilli, drove your own earth slaughtering gas powered auto or taken a hot shower or failed to separate recyclables will set you firmly in Oppressor of Nature, Disrespecter of Humanity type that will get your statues torn down and middle  schools renamed.

    You likely have so much more to be sorry for than today’s crude, forgiving Woke crowd will find objectionable.

    • #16
  17. navyjag Coolidge
    navyjag
    @navyjag

    Good one Vance. But as a former Okie one question: will we have to apologize for liking BBQ?

    • #17
  18. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    philo (View Comment):
    “bohunk.”

    Oh.  Ohhh.  I thought it was beau hunk.

    Now I understand when, back in the day, my claim to be “just a simple beau hunk bohunk stud muffin nifty rad hepcat” didn’t get as much mileage as I thought it should.

    I’m sorry to not realize I’m making an ethnic statement when I’m making an ethnic statement.

    And I’m sorry I used that line in a totally cisgendered, heteronormative way.

    And I’m sorry that it worked sometimes.  I’m not sorry.  Sorry.

    • #18