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The Washington Redskins were a football team in the NFL for decades, but recently changed their name to “The Washington Football Team” in a selfless, heroic attempt to appease a few unappeasable nincompoops. The owners emphasized that this new, if uninspired, name was only temporary, once they figured out a way to appease the unappeasable. They seem surprised that this is turning out to be so difficult. A “journalist” from a local “newspaper” called The Washington Post recently wrote an article suggesting creative ways to be offended by names that the owners had proposed for the expressed purpose of not offending anybody.
I hope the “leaders” of this “football team” will see fit to listen to suggestions from a lowly football fan like myself. I am here to help. First, let’s not base our enjoyment of football on a lie, shall we? The Washington Football Team does not play in Washington D.C. – they play at FedEx Field, which is in Greater Landover, Maryland. This location has many advantages over Washington D.C., not the least of which is that their fans are less likely to die in drive-by shootings as they leave the stadium. Dead people may vote in Washington D.C., but they do not purchase football tickets. The name of their team should reflect where the team actually plays, right? Of course! So, Greater Landover it is!
I would also choose a team name representing a group that has been so vilified in the public sphere that they have lost the ability to be offended: white people. What can they say? Nothing. If they complain, that’s only because they’re racist Republicans. So that seals it: Let’s hear three big cheers for The Greater Landover White People! Go Team!
A more obvious choice would be to choose a group of people with a local connection. Like the Dallas Cowboys, or the Minnesota Vikings, or the San Francisco 49ers.
But I’m not sure that The Greater Landover Unscrupulous Deceitful Lobbyists would inspire much of a following. I suppose the souvenir stand could stop selling over-priced jerseys & backpacks and start selling over-priced suits and briefcases. The home stands would have a distinctive look, with thousands of people in navy blue suits chugging moderately priced Pinot Noir. Instead of throwing confetti, they could exchange business cards with one another. Worth a thought, but I really don’t think that’s their best option.
So allow me to be the first of many to cheer for The Greater Landover White People! Go Team!
Gosh. I feel so oppressed, I’m considering stealing a 65 inch Sony from Best Buy. That should help.
I wonder if the Cowboys are on?Published in