Your Favorite Joke

 

Here’s mine:

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer are sitting in a bar around drinking their beers.

The mechanical engineer, who has been quiet and deep in thought, says, “You know, God must have been a mechanical engineer. The body is a mechanical marvel with its own brand of levers and pulleys and vises. It’s incredible what mechanical things it can do that we can’t duplicate.”

The electrical engineer shakes his head and says, “No, God was clearly an electrical engineer. Look at the central nervous system, the central cortex, the brain, this fabulous communications system. It is an electrical marvel. God was definitely an electrical engineer.”

The civil engineer laughs and responds, “You are both wrong. God was undoubtedly a civil engineer. I mean, who else would put a waste disposal system through a popular recreation area?”

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  1. namlliT noD Member
    namlliT noD
    @DonTillman

    Still more advanced than birds… using the same opening for peeing, pooping, mating, and birth.

    • #1
  2. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    A duck walks into a bar in the middle of the day, a quiet period between lunch and happy hour. He hops up on a barstool and then up onto the bar and asks the bartender, “Got any duck food?”

    The bartender is slightly taken aback, but shrugs and says, “No, we’re a bar. We serve some sandwiches off the grill, but mainly we serve drinks to humans. We don’t serve ducks.”

    The duck hops down to the stool and then off the stool and waddles out.

    The next day, the duck comes back at the same time, “Got any duck food?”

    “No,” the bartender says, “I told you that yesterday. Get out of here.”

    The day after that, the same thing, “Got any duck food?”

    “No, I told ya twice before. We do not have duck food. We do not serve ducks.”

    Next day, “Got any duck food?”

    In total exasperation, the bartender yells, “NO, NO DUCK FOOD, AND IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE ASKING FOR IT AGAIN, I’M GOING TO NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE BAR!”

    The duck hops down and waddles off.

    The next day, the duck comes back, and the bartender is ready to scream the duck out of there, but the duck says, “Got any nails?”

    “What? Nails? This is a bar. Why would we have nails?”

    “In that case,” says the duck, “Got any duck food?”

    • #2
  3. Django Member
    Django
    @Django

    Guy walks into a bar. Unusual for these days, he’s wearing a hat. He orders a drink and puts his hat on the bar. Bartender notices a frog sitting on the guy’s head. After the guy finishes his drink and orders another, the bartender can’t help himself and asks, “Hey buddy, where did you get that?”

    And the frog answers, “Would you believe it started as a wart on my a$$?” 

    (Not my favorite joke, but I always enjoy the groans it evokes.

    • #3
  4. Douglas Pratt Coolidge
    Douglas Pratt
    @DouglasPratt

    A young anthropologist gets word of something that could make her career: an Amazon tribe that has never been studied. She gets her grant, heads to the Amazon, and finds an old guide who says he knows the tribe well and will help her. They load up the canoes and head into the wilderness until they find the tribal land.

    As they pull up their canoes and the guide greets the leaders of the tribe, she notices the drums. There is constant drumming; not overpowering, but subtle, with sophisticated rhythms, from unseen drummers.

    The tribal elders welcome them. She settles in, and finds a chance to ask her guide about the drums, which have never stopped. “Drums are good,” he says. “Everything is fine as long as we hear the drums.”

    She spends several weeks among the tribespeople, and they are always friendly and helpful. She is more and more pleased with the work she is accumulating.

    Finally, it’s time to leave. She and her helpers are loading the last of their supplies into her canoes. Suddenly. she realizes…. the drums have stopped. For the first time in her entire visit, they are silent.

    She calls to her guide, “The drums have stopped! What does this mean?”

    He says, “Oh, no! Base solo!”

    • #4
  5. ctlaw Coolidge
    ctlaw
    @ctlaw

    http://sethf.com/freespeech/memoirs/humor/guillotine.php

    • #5
  6. Mark Alexander Coolidge
    Mark Alexander
    @MarkAlexander

    Douglas Pratt (View Comment):

    A young anthropologist gets word of something that could make her career: an Amazon tribe that has never been studied. She gets her grant, heads to the Amazon, and finds an old guide who says he knows the tribe well and will help her. They load up the canoes and head into the wilderness until they find the tribal land.

    As they pull up their canoes and the guide greets the leaders of the tribe, she notices the drums. There is constant drumming; not overpowering, but subtle, with sophisticated rhythms, from unseen drummers.

    The tribal elders welcome them. She settles in, and finds a chance to ask her guide about the drums, which have never stopped. “Drums are good,” he says. “Everything is fine as long as we hear the drums.”

    She spends several weeks among the tribespeople, and they are always friendly and helpful. She is more and more pleased with the work she is accumulating.

    Finally, it’s time to leave. She and her helpers are loading the last of their supplies into her canoes. Suddenly. she realizes…. the drums have stopped. For the first time in her entire visit, they are silent.

    She calls to her guide, “The drums have stopped! What does this mean?”

    He says, “Oh, no! Base solo!”

    Bass solo.

    • #6
  7. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Mark Alexander (View Comment):
    Bass solo.

    Sounds fishy.

    • #7
  8. Addiction Is A Choice Member
    Addiction Is A Choice
    @AddictionIsAChoice

    It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.  Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.  When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.   Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.  But being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea:  He called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”  “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” came the reply.

    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.  A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”  “Yes,” he was told, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”  The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.  “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”  The chief asked, “How can you be so sure?”  The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a sh*tload of firewood.”

    • #8
  9. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    Douglas Pratt (View Comment):

    A young anthropologist gets word of something that could make her career: an Amazon tribe that has never been studied. She gets her grant, heads to the Amazon, and finds an old guide who says he knows the tribe well and will help her. They load up the canoes and head into the wilderness until they find the tribal land.

    As they pull up their canoes and the guide greets the leaders of the tribe, she notices the drums. There is constant drumming; not overpowering, but subtle, with sophisticated rhythms, from unseen drummers.

    The tribal elders welcome them. She settles in, and finds a chance to ask her guide about the drums, which have never stopped. “Drums are good,” he says. “Everything is fine as long as we hear the drums.”

    She spends several weeks among the tribespeople, and they are always friendly and helpful. She is more and more pleased with the work she is accumulating.

    Finally, it’s time to leave. She and her helpers are loading the last of their supplies into her canoes. Suddenly. she realizes…. the drums have stopped. For the first time in her entire visit, they are silent.

    She calls to her guide, “The drums have stopped! What does this mean?”

    He says, “Oh, no! Base solo!”

    One of the faculty members in the department where I worked had some fun with this business of a remote, isolated South American group.  It had to do with whether men’s preference for women with narrow waists, compared to hips, was culturally determined or universal. An anthropological researcher found a group in Peru where men actually prefer thick-waisted women. The anthropologist suggested that the reason for this preference, which is different from the usual, was because in most places men are exposed to western media where thin-waisted women are the ideal, whereas these people who preferred thick-waisted women had a “degree of isolation about as high as can be obtained today.”  No contamination by western culture.  

    Our guy was going to use that example in a class he taught, and went looking on the web for photos of these people.  He found some at a web site run by one of the anthropologist’s collaborators.  One of the people from this extremely isolated community (not sure whether it was the man or woman, because that web site apparently no longer exists) was pictured wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt.

    Our guy wrote a letter to Nature, in which he concluded: “The [group-name omitted so this comment doesn’t appear in search results about them] isolation may be ‘about as high as can be obtained today’, but they are not isolated enough to escape Bart Simpson. Luckily, it is not a Marge Simpson T-shirt. That would have suggested that the preference for thick-waisted women might also have been influenced by western media.”

    Our guy posted the photo with Bart Simpson t-shirt on his office door, and once when I stopped by his office and was looking at the photo I learned about his find at first hand. Then when Nature published his letter, he posted that on his door, too.

     

    • #9
  10. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    Addiction Is A Choice (View Comment):

    It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea: He called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?” “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” came the reply.

    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes,” he was told, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.” The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.” “How can you be so sure?” the chief asked. The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a sh*tload of firewood.”

    I question this story unless it’s fairly recent. Firewood was very scarce in North Dakota, even when I was a child. Better to burn buffalo chips or coal from one of the outcroppings.  More recently a lot of ash trees have grown up. 

    • #10
  11. Annefy Member
    Annefy
    @Annefy

    I’ll tell the joke that made my mother laugh even when she didn’t know who I was. And I once told it at an event completely unaware my parish priest was standing behind me 

    kitchen sex.  When you first get married and you’re so hot for each other you knock it out on the kitchen table. 

    Bedroom sex. Still hot for each other, but it only happens in the bedroom. 

    hallway sex. When you pass each other in the hall and say ““**** you”

    • #11
  12. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    It was dead.

    • #12
  13. Miffed White Male Member
    Miffed White Male
    @MiffedWhiteMale

    Arahant (View Comment):

    A duck walks into a bar in the middle of the day, a quiet period between lunch and happy hour. He hops up on a barstool and then up onto the bar and asks the bartender, “Got any duck food?”

    The bartender is slightly taken aback, but shrugs and says, “No, we’re a bar. We serve some sandwiches off the grill, but mainly we serve drinks to humans. We don’t serve ducks.”

    The duck hops down to the stool and then off the stool and waddles out.

    The next day, the duck comes back at the same time, “Got any duck food?”

    “No,” the bartender says, “I told you that yesterday. Get out of here.”

    The day after that, the same thing, “Got any duck food?”

    “No, I told ya twice before. We do not have duck food. We do not serve ducks.”

    Next day, “Got any duck food?”

    In total exasperation, the bartender yells, “NO, NO DUCK FOOD, AND IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE ASKING FOR IT AGAIN, I’M GOING TO NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE BAR!”

    The duck hops down and waddles off.

    The next day, the duck comes back, and the bartender is ready to scream the duck out of there, but the duck says, “Got any nails?”

    “What? Nails? This is a bar. Why would we have nails?”

    “In that case,” says the duck, “Got any duck food?”

    • #13
  14. Doctor Robert Member
    Doctor Robert
    @DoctorRobert

    A man walks into a bar.  He sees another fellow wearing a sailor suit.  The other fellow has a very, very small head.  A tiny head.

    The man asks the sailor, “Why do you have such a small head?”

    “Well, I be shipwrecked on a small island.  My survival needs were met with coconuts and fish and there was plenty of fresh water.  One day while fishing I found a mermaid stuck in the rocks offshore.  I gently freed her and as a reward, she gave me a kiss and offered to grant any wish for me.  I said to her, I have all that I need here on the island excepting the favor of a woman.  Can you make love to me today?”

    The fair mermaid replied, “Oh sailor, how I would love to grant thy wish; but if you will gaze upon me you will see that below the belly, I am a fish.  I do not have the anatomy to satisfy your needs.”

    “To which I replied, well, then, how about giving me a little head?”

    • #14
  15. Flicker Member
    Flicker
    @Flicker

    I don’t know any jokes, but I do recall a quiet old Russian man I once knew who was reputed to have a joke appropriate  for every occasion.  Once, I asked him how it was possible that he had a joke for every circumstance.  And the old man thought and began to tell the story of a young Russian boy who desperately wanted to join the army, but he was such a poor shot that he could barely hit the broad side of a barn and he was always turned down when he volunteered.

    One day he heard that the Czar was sending recruitment officers to his town the next day, and so the boy took up his rifle and began practicing.  In the morning just as they were arriving the sound of three shots rang out from behind that barn and when the townsfolk came rushing with the officers following they saw the boy leaning back against a rock with his rifle idly dangling from his fingers.  And on the side of the barn were painted three red bull’s eyes with a single bullet hole shot through the exact center of each.  The officers were so impressed that they took the boy on the spot and and told him to pack his bags because he was going to be made a sharp shooter in the Royal Russian Army.

    As he went to pack his clothes half the town came with him asking how he became such a good shot overnight.  And the boy laughed and said that he still couldn’t shoot straight, so the day before he had shot three holes in the side of the barn and painted the red bull’s eyes around each bullet hole.

    And so, the old Russian finished, it’s not that I have a joke for every occasion, you see, in fact it’s rather like the boy who drew bull’s eyes around the bullet holes: I simply think of a joke and then listen to people talking and then when it seems appropriate to the conversation, I tell the joke.  People always seem quite pleased with my jokes.

    • #15
  16. Mark Alexander Coolidge
    Mark Alexander
    @MarkAlexander

    My parents sent my baby picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not, and it came back with a note, “I don’t believe it.”

    • #16
  17. Mark Alexander Coolidge
    Mark Alexander
    @MarkAlexander

    I blew the romance with my wife last night when I looked deeply at her and said, “Those eyes, those lips, those chins.”

    • #17
  18. Django Member
    Django
    @Django

    A man and his wife were sitting on the patio sipping wine and watching the sunset when the man said, “I love you so much I don’t think I could live without you.” 

    His wife asked, “Was that you or the wine talking?”

    He answered, “It was me … talking to the wine.”

    • #18
  19. JosePluma Thatcher
    JosePluma
    @JosePluma

    Mark Alexander (View Comment):

    I blew the romance with my wife last night when I looked deeply at her and said, “Those eyes, those lips, those chins.”

    How do you know the guy in the bar is a nurse?

    He gazes at you, takes you gently by the hand, and says “My, you have beautiful veins.”

    • #19
  20. Flicker Member
    Flicker
    @Flicker

    JosePluma (View Comment):

    Mark Alexander (View Comment):

    I blew the romance with my wife last night when I looked deeply at her and said, “Those eyes, those lips, those chins.”

    How do you know the guy in the bar is a nurse?

    He gazes at you, takes you gently by the hand, and says “My, you have beautiful veins.”

    This is not a joke.  This is fact.

    • #20
  21. Vince Guerra Member
    Vince Guerra
    @VinceGuerra

    A blind man walks into a bar…and a chair…and the other customers. 

    • #21
  22. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Two men walk into a bar. You’d think the second would have ducked.

    • #22
  23. The Scarecrow Thatcher
    The Scarecrow
    @TheScarecrow

    A termite walks into a bar and says Hey, is the bar tender here?

    • #23
  24. The Scarecrow Thatcher
    The Scarecrow
    @TheScarecrow

    Flicker (View Comment):
    And so, the old Russian finished, it’s not that I have a joke for every occasion, you see, in fact it’s rather like the boy who drew bull’s eyes around the bullet holes: I simply think of a joke and then listen to people talking and then when it seems appropriate to the conversation, I tell the joke.  People always seem quite pleased with my jokes.

    I used this same strategy, but with code references, when I was teaching the electrical course at our local tech school. Those kids thought I had the N.E.C. book memorized.

    • #24
  25. Dbroussa Coolidge
    Dbroussa
    @Dbroussa

    I tell this joke when I am presenting and need to fill time for the computer to do something that takes longer than expected. 

    A mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a software engineer are on their way to a conference by car.it starts to run poorly so they pull over.

    The mechanical engineer says that it’s obviously a problem with the fuel injection system and that he recommends removing the system, machining it to higher tolerances which will increase efficiency by 5%.

    The chemical engineer says that it’s obviously contaminants in the fuel supply and it should be drained and refined to a higher octane which will increase efficiency by 10%.

    The software engineer says that they should all get out and get back in again.

    As I tell people, it’s funny because it’s true. 

    • #25
  26. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    My favorite jokes can’t be printed on Ricochet.  But how about this:

    A biologist, a civil engineer, and a lawyer walk into a bar for drinks.

    “God is clearly a biologist,” the biologist says.  “Because from out of the ground, He formed all the animals.”

    “Oh no,” said the civil engineer.  “From out of the chaos, God formed the heavens and the Earth.  Therefore, God is a civil engineer.”

    “You’re both wrong,” said the lawyer.  “God is clearly a lawyer.”

    “Why do you think that?” said the other two.

    The lawyer smiled and said, “Who do you think created the chaos?”

    • #26
  27. Charlotte Member
    Charlotte
    @Charlotte

    namlliT noD (View Comment):

    Still more advanced than birds… using the same opening for peeing, pooping, mating, and birth.

    Low bar.

    • #27
  28. Steve C. Member
    Steve C.
    @user_531302

    A devastated pet owner takes his dog to the vet.

    The vet takes one look at the obviously dead dog and says, “I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.”

    With tears streaming down his face, the owner begs him to do something. He’s had this dog for 20 years.

    The vet admits there is a test he can perform.

    He leaves the room and after a few minutes the door opens and a cat walks in.  The cat walks around the exam table and exits the room. The vet comes back into the room.

    ”I’m terribly sorry, you have to accept your pet is gone”

    The sobbing pet owner thanks the vet and asks the fee for the visit.

    And the vet says, “Well, considering the circumstances, my exam is free. But I will have to charge you $200 for the cat scan.”

     

     

     

    • #28
  29. JoshuaFinch Coolidge
    JoshuaFinch
    @JoshuaFinch

    A dyslexic walks into a bra . . . 

    • #29
  30. Mark Alexander Coolidge
    Mark Alexander
    @MarkAlexander

    JoshuaFinch (View Comment):

    A dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

    • #30