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If I Were a Benign Dictator with Time on My Hands…
…I’d outlaw a few things:
–Those head-rattling 150-decibel buzzers that signal when your dryer load is finished. I’d specify in my law that if the signal is turned on, it will notify you with a pleasant “ding” sound. Enough to get your attention when you’re in the next room, but not so loud that it sends you springing from your chair in the middle of a good nap.
–Crass sexual humor and cheap fat jokes that ruin otherwise clever, entertaining shows like Big Bang Theory.
–Tailgating when the driver in front of you is already doing the speed limit. I’d specify that a hefty fine will be imposed on the tailgater and that the money must be paid out to the person wronged for “emotional pain and suffering.”
–Bumper stickers with some enticingly controversial message that are mostly indecipherable except at close range. This encourages tailgaters.
–Pedestrians crossing busy streets by simply walking out into them wherever and whenever they please, and like the Red Sea, the traffic parts on each side to make way.
–Ball caps worn indoors, including at mealtimes and in restaurants. These are ubiquitous in a northwestern state that shall not be named.
–Smug political memes on social media that make an open-and-shut case for some viewpoint, as long as no knowledgeable person comments.
–Rampant overuse of the word “beautiful” as a comment on social media in response to random selfie posts. If everyone is beautiful, no one is. There are plenty of other compliments that could be made. “You are pretty good at figuring out filters,” for instance. I’d make exceptions for loving friends who are really feeling it.
–Random selfie posts seemingly designed to elicit comments of “Beautiful!” “So gorgeous!” “You go, girl!” These photogenic folks are sometimes engaged in a mundane activity–cooking, for instance–and just happen to look perfect, with a little extra skin showing, and they suddenly decided to snap a picture and upload it for their 500-plus friends. This tendency is an energy drain on many of us, as we try to puzzle out questions like: “She makes dinner in that outfit?” or “Why does she have an ‘lol’ after her caption ‘my messy bun?'”
–Advertisements and political campaigns that claim you, or a particular party, “deserves” something. In most cases, the word “deserve” could be replaced with “need” with no harm done to the message. For instance: “Every child needs loving parents.” “Stray dogs need a forever home.” “You need the best deal you can get on insurance.”
–Calling dogs’ owners “Mom and Dad” and the kids their “brothers and sisters.” I will forbid the use of these misnomers, especially in sentimental Facebook videos. Furthermore, we shall no longer say that adopted dogs have found their “forever home,” because it dilutes that phrase as it pertains to adoption of human beings.
–Facebook video captions that promise that the linked video will give you “the feels.”
–Increasingly vulgar topics and images in products for young people: poop emojis, stuffed poop toys, kids’ books about farting and underwear, this children’s song with butt-waggling animation.
–Excruciatingly ugly animation in popular kids’ shows. The trend of drawing unattractive characters started around the ’90s, but these cartoons still seem to draw a big audience.
–Odd words or phrases that are becoming popular: standing on line at the store, never step foot there again, orientated, for all intensive purposes, wreck havoc.
–Loud music playing in coffee shops and restaurants so that it’s hard to enjoy the purpose of the establishment: talking, writing, or reading in peace.
–Stores piping in music from some obscure station featuring cheap songs with vacuous lyrics and second-rate covers of mediocre hit singles. These numbers get inside one’s head, distracting the shopper from reading the nutrition information on the loaf of bread. “Surely there could not be a song more asinine than this,” one thinks. But incredibly, the next song is always worse. And sometimes, the singer is slightly off-key.
–TVs on everywhere–restaurants, waiting rooms, kids’ play areas. Establishments shall not be obligated to always have a TV playing.
–Small children getting unfettered access to iPads and other sophisticated devices.
–Political figures and spokesmen on the radio pronouncing ‘s’ as ‘sh,’ as in “infrashtructure.”
–Grossly misleading uses of the word “ban” by members of either political party. This word shall be used only in cases where the activity or item was actually banned.
–Articles and news reports claiming that some commonly consumed item may be really bad for you. Most especially when the item was touted as having healthful benefits not many moons ago.
–The extra sugar that seems to be going into popular confections these days, causing a sickly sweetness to dominate other flavors. Peanut butter cups shall be restored to their former savory blend of flavors that includes cocoa, salt, and earthy nuttiness.
–Proposing and passing laws as an instinctive response to things we don’t like.
Published in Humor
This humble petitioner prays you to put the “deserve” one at the top of your list.
The television one is far too mild. It should be a capital crime to subject innocent persons to television in places of public accommodation.
Beautiful!
Driving the speed limit and getting tailgated. I agree, with the exception that you should never do this in the left lane of a multi-lane highway. It is illegal to not move over and allow a vehicle to pass you in many — I think most — states. (It is rarely enforced, but it is true even if the passing vehicle is exceeding the speed limit.)
So many fine suggestions. Our old Maytag sounds like a score at a hockey game.
But while you’re taking suggestions for a better life, anything that restricts the flow of water in a home should be outlawed with prejudice.
And with respect to all things governance, employ the “You First” principle. Want to pass a tax hike? If the members of congress enjoy it for a couple years, they can vote again to include us. Same for things like healthcare. ALL illegal immigrants go to your neighborhood in Delaware and California. No Cheap Grace!
Oh yeah and government unions and tenure.
My toilet would flood.
So would my pants. And shoes.
This becomes a bit tricky in Alaska during winter storms (not sure about in other states). Usually in blowing snow and icy conditions the left (fast) lane is safer than the right due to snow drifts and blotchy ice, these tend to suck you into the ditch. The driving conditions in those instances warrant driving the speed limit or slightly less (65mph in AK) and everyone plays along, yet some dudes always want to do 90mph no matter what. In those instances homeboy can pass me on the right if he wants to risk it.
It’s incredibly hard to avoid overstatement when it comes to amazing meals, perfect orders, stunning presentations, and awesome restaurants. I don’t want my laws to be too burdensome. ;-)
I was thinking mainly of made-for-TV cartoons of the last couple of decades. CGI, as in Toy Story? If that’s what you’re referring to, I’d have to say that those are some of the best animated stories ever produced.
As for the music, the station I’m subjected to in my grocery store has actual caterwauling. 80’s music would be great in comparison.
I would, except that I’ve been known to post meals when laid off work for ten weeks due to Covid. Plus I have friends who cook and post pictures of Thai food, so I wouldn’t want to miss those.
Good point.
Yes, for sure. And those loud car revvs at stoplights–just unnecessary!
Hmm . . . I don’t mind “no problem,” because to me that means the person was willing to do it for me.
I’m talking about when there’s one lane and no place to go . . . or if the tailgater won’t even pass you given the opportunity.
OK Flicker, I’m talking about toilets you only need to flush once and shower heads that get it over inside 20 minutes. This all worked without overflows somehow in the 70s and 60s and 50s for crissake. It’s not surgery, and it happens just fine in the absence of nitwit busybodies with too much authority.
Maybe it’s not illegal in Alaska to be a Left Lane Bandit.
I call them out like Name That Tune much to the chagrin of my kids. I got totally stumped last time and had to look it up once I got back to the car – Lost In Emotion by Lisa Lisa.
Why can’t they just play classical and save us the drama?
Oh. You mean Baron von LoFlo. He will be the first casualty when Sawatdeeka, Empress of … I don’t know … comes to sit on her throne.
.Oh exactly Fisker. And these meddling efforts deserve an awesome response (in the traditional sense.) The only way to correct these obscene inclinations is to quickly make them subject to their own jackassery exclusively and permanently. Either be sure of yourself or be demonstrably good with a plunger.
Like shower heads? And toilets that don’t clear until flushed two or more times?
Something tells me you’ve recently been in the market for plumbing needs.
Society needs a better variety of adjectives for everyday use. Literally, awesome, amazing, adorable, and a few others are way too overused.
Particularly CNN. Some random sports game is okay, but I don’t want to be subjected to “news” every time I walk into certain buildings.
Zounds. Your comment is far-out. But I grok you.
I would also add: Junk mail. Why are companies and political campaigns sending me trash? Why are they allowed to send me trash? Is there a conservative solution to this? Even if it isn’t conservative, could we get some kind of bipartisan law saying that companies aren’t allowed to send garbage to you in the mail anymore?
Of course there is. Assuming you have decided no to just straight away close the US post office, just have absolutely everybody pay their unsubsidized fair share.
I actually really enjoy monotonously saying “excellent” in response to things that are not excellent at all.
“What’d you do today?”
“Oooh just, like, chilled… watched the Kardashians. What-evs!”
“Excellent.”
If it weren’t for these kinds of games, I wouldn’t know I could live with my peers for the rest of my life.
I always wonder what percentage of return these advertisers get. I never read those things and they automatically go into the trash. I can always tell when I’ve received a solicitation for hearing aids because it actually comes in an envelope – with no identification on the envelope.
You actually open the envelopes of your junk mail? I find it efficient to throw them directly in the trash without opening.
Well, since there s no ID on the envelope I just tear it a little to make sure it’s nothing important – like money! Ads for hearing aids are the only ones that come in a plain envelope.