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If I Were a Benign Dictator with Time on My Hands…
…I’d outlaw a few things:
–Those head-rattling 150-decibel buzzers that signal when your dryer load is finished. I’d specify in my law that if the signal is turned on, it will notify you with a pleasant “ding” sound. Enough to get your attention when you’re in the next room, but not so loud that it sends you springing from your chair in the middle of a good nap.
–Crass sexual humor and cheap fat jokes that ruin otherwise clever, entertaining shows like Big Bang Theory.
–Tailgating when the driver in front of you is already doing the speed limit. I’d specify that a hefty fine will be imposed on the tailgater and that the money must be paid out to the person wronged for “emotional pain and suffering.”
–Bumper stickers with some enticingly controversial message that are mostly indecipherable except at close range. This encourages tailgaters.
–Pedestrians crossing busy streets by simply walking out into them wherever and whenever they please, and like the Red Sea, the traffic parts on each side to make way.
–Ball caps worn indoors, including at mealtimes and in restaurants. These are ubiquitous in a northwestern state that shall not be named.
–Smug political memes on social media that make an open-and-shut case for some viewpoint, as long as no knowledgeable person comments.
–Rampant overuse of the word “beautiful” as a comment on social media in response to random selfie posts. If everyone is beautiful, no one is. There are plenty of other compliments that could be made. “You are pretty good at figuring out filters,” for instance. I’d make exceptions for loving friends who are really feeling it.
–Random selfie posts seemingly designed to elicit comments of “Beautiful!” “So gorgeous!” “You go, girl!” These photogenic folks are sometimes engaged in a mundane activity–cooking, for instance–and just happen to look perfect, with a little extra skin showing, and they suddenly decided to snap a picture and upload it for their 500-plus friends. This tendency is an energy drain on many of us, as we try to puzzle out questions like: “She makes dinner in that outfit?” or “Why does she have an ‘lol’ after her caption ‘my messy bun?'”
–Advertisements and political campaigns that claim you, or a particular party, “deserves” something. In most cases, the word “deserve” could be replaced with “need” with no harm done to the message. For instance: “Every child needs loving parents.” “Stray dogs need a forever home.” “You need the best deal you can get on insurance.”
–Calling dogs’ owners “Mom and Dad” and the kids their “brothers and sisters.” I will forbid the use of these misnomers, especially in sentimental Facebook videos. Furthermore, we shall no longer say that adopted dogs have found their “forever home,” because it dilutes that phrase as it pertains to adoption of human beings.
–Facebook video captions that promise that the linked video will give you “the feels.”
–Increasingly vulgar topics and images in products for young people: poop emojis, stuffed poop toys, kids’ books about farting and underwear, this children’s song with butt-waggling animation.
–Excruciatingly ugly animation in popular kids’ shows. The trend of drawing unattractive characters started around the ’90s, but these cartoons still seem to draw a big audience.
–Odd words or phrases that are becoming popular: standing on line at the store, never step foot there again, orientated, for all intensive purposes, wreck havoc.
–Loud music playing in coffee shops and restaurants so that it’s hard to enjoy the purpose of the establishment: talking, writing, or reading in peace.
–Stores piping in music from some obscure station featuring cheap songs with vacuous lyrics and second-rate covers of mediocre hit singles. These numbers get inside one’s head, distracting the shopper from reading the nutrition information on the loaf of bread. “Surely there could not be a song more asinine than this,” one thinks. But incredibly, the next song is always worse. And sometimes, the singer is slightly off-key.
–TVs on everywhere–restaurants, waiting rooms, kids’ play areas. Establishments shall not be obligated to always have a TV playing.
–Small children getting unfettered access to iPads and other sophisticated devices.
–Political figures and spokesmen on the radio pronouncing ‘s’ as ‘sh,’ as in “infrashtructure.”
–Grossly misleading uses of the word “ban” by members of either political party. This word shall be used only in cases where the activity or item was actually banned.
–Articles and news reports claiming that some commonly consumed item may be really bad for you. Most especially when the item was touted as having healthful benefits not many moons ago.
–The extra sugar that seems to be going into popular confections these days, causing a sickly sweetness to dominate other flavors. Peanut butter cups shall be restored to their former savory blend of flavors that includes cocoa, salt, and earthy nuttiness.
–Proposing and passing laws as an instinctive response to things we don’t like.
Published in Humor
Might I request an amendment which amplifies the punishment when the guilty party adds inspirational quotes by Buddha (or whomever).
And do you prefer Queen or Empress?
Definitely Empress. It sounds more powerful, like I could get away with more impulsive acts.
The punishment should include having to read a work by the figure quoted.
Brilliant!
My washer and dryer play a little tune.
Ah, those sleek, new-fangled ones!
Sawatdeeka, if you were a benign dictator, I’d vote for you.
And I’d see that everyone else did, too.
But I have one of those dryers that makes a pleasant chiming sound when the laundry is done, and I find it’s smarmy elitist passive-aggression insufferable.
Yes, your Benignity sounds pretty good.
That’s my god daughter’s name. Bennie, for short.
We tried Gnity, but that was too hard on the throat.
My dryer buzzes annoyingly, but it has a volume control! I keep it set to low.
May I add overuse of the word “amazing” to your list? E.g., a nice restaurant meal is probably not truly amazing. Perhaps “enjoyable” or “delightful” would be more appropriate. If everything is amazing, then the user is easily amazed.
Stunning. And stunned. I picture the bodies of comatose persons lying all around.
Mine sings as well, but the microwave dings TEN TIMES when the toaster function is finished. I GET IT, I GET IT
I was talking to a customer service person who responded “awesome” to everything I said. My zip code, apparently, was awesome.
From the OP:
Depends, no? The CalArts style did infect animation beyond repair, but CGI shows are better – and I’ll take most modern shows over the cheap dreck of the Hanna-Barbera era.–Stores piping in music from some obscure station featuring cheap songs with vacuous lyrics and second-rate covers of mediocre hit singles.
Where I shop, they play a lot of 80s. Back in my youth I would have thought “ah, we WON!” Now I think “ah, we’re OLD”
Mine only beeps four times But loudly, and even if you only put something in for a minute or two it keeps beeping every three minute for a half an hour (until I’m ready to eat).
Mine make noises until you give them attention. It’s like having a bunch of annoying toddlers in the house
I am constantly asking : what do you want? A round of friggen applause for doing what I literally paid a fortune for you to do?
My washer, dryer, and dishwasher all demand praise. If the fridge starts giving feedback I’m out of here
With the exception of the indoor ball cap injunction I’m with you, especially about the sexual vulgarity ruining otherwise good things. So many times I’ve wanted to show my wife something from The Big Bang Theory but the episode inevitably has something crass.
Could I petition Your Highness to consider banning the posting of images of ones meal?
It’ okay if it’s homemade, though, right?
Isn’t that kinda worse? Unless, I guess, if you’re inviting people over to share.
I could photograph some ugly food, like burnt toast. A single-slice ham sandwich on white bread with no cheese wrapped in wrinkled Saran wrap. I make a great corn on the cob, with just the cob left, too.
I think you’re on to something there.
Hasn’t someone already done the ugly food thing?
Ahem, @jameslileks …
Darn, there goes my répertoire . . .
The term “forever home” is more apt for pets than people – presumably the adopted kid is going to grow up and move away at some point. The dog is probably going to stay until it dies.
I remember a how-to book that came out in the early days of blogging called No One Cares What You Had For Lunch: 100 Ideas For Your Blog. I always thought that was a hilarious and apt title.
Please add loud motorcycle noises to your list!
Apparently all of my interactions with service persons and wait staff are “perfect!”. Makes me feel really good.
Good grief! I second this one. Last week I was subjected to I Dream of Jeanie for twenty minutes while waiting in my doc’s office. I guess it was preferable to CNN.
Mine (dryer only) is fairly innocuous also. Something like “Doodle doo. Doodle dee-do0-doo.” It’s not too bad. The washer doesn’t say anything. Which is probably why I’ve opened it, on occasion, to find reeking nasty stuff in there…
Yeah, although I think that the recently revived Prince Philip comment on his only daughter’s horse-loving addiction that “if it doesn’t fart or eat hay she isn’t interested,” is pretty funny. (Note to the late HRH PP: Embrace the power of “or.”)
Perfection is pretty well up there near the top of the very good-great-awsome scale.
Our Dear Empress,
while Yer at it, would You please ban “no problem” as a reply to “Thank You,” and demand “Yer welcome” instead?