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…I’d outlaw a few things:
–Those head-rattling 150-decibel buzzers that signal when your dryer load is finished. I’d specify in my law that if the signal is turned on, it will notify you with a pleasant “ding” sound. Enough to get your attention when you’re in the next room, but not so loud that it sends you springing from your chair in the middle of a good nap.
–Crass sexual humor and cheap fat jokes that ruin otherwise clever, entertaining shows like Big Bang Theory.
–Tailgating when the driver in front of you is already doing the speed limit. I’d specify that a hefty fine will be imposed on the tailgater and that the money must be paid out to the person wronged for “emotional pain and suffering.”
–Bumper stickers with some enticingly controversial message that are mostly indecipherable except at close range. This encourages tailgaters.
–Pedestrians crossing busy streets by simply walking out into them wherever and whenever they please, and like the Red Sea, the traffic parts on each side to make way.
–Ball caps worn indoors, including at mealtimes and in restaurants. These are ubiquitous in a northwestern state that shall not be named.
–Smug political memes on social media that make an open-and-shut case for some viewpoint, as long as no knowledgeable person comments.
–Rampant overuse of the word “beautiful” as a comment on social media in response to random selfie posts. If everyone is beautiful, no one is. There are plenty of other compliments that could be made. “You are pretty good at figuring out filters,” for instance. I’d make exceptions for loving friends who are really feeling it.
–Random selfie posts seemingly designed to elicit comments of “Beautiful!” “So gorgeous!” “You go, girl!” These photogenic folks are sometimes engaged in a mundane activity–cooking, for instance–and just happen to look perfect, with a little extra skin showing, and they suddenly decided to snap a picture and upload it for their 500-plus friends. This tendency is an energy drain on many of us, as we try to puzzle out questions like: “She makes dinner in that outfit?” or “Why does she have an ‘lol’ after her caption ‘my messy bun?'”
–Advertisements and political campaigns that claim you, or a particular party, “deserves” something. In most cases, the word “deserve” could be replaced with “need” with no harm done to the message. For instance: “Every child needs loving parents.” “Stray dogs need a forever home.” “You need the best deal you can get on insurance.”
–Calling dogs’ owners “Mom and Dad” and the kids their “brothers and sisters.” I will forbid the use of these misnomers, especially in sentimental Facebook videos. Furthermore, we shall no longer say that adopted dogs have found their “forever home,” because it dilutes that phrase as it pertains to adoption of human beings.
–Facebook video captions that promise that the linked video will give you “the feels.”
–Increasingly vulgar topics and images in products for young people: poop emojis, stuffed poop toys, kids’ books about farting and underwear, this children’s song with butt-waggling animation.
–Excruciatingly ugly animation in popular kids’ shows. The trend of drawing unattractive characters started around the ’90s, but these cartoons still seem to draw a big audience.
–Odd words or phrases that are becoming popular: standing on line at the store, never step foot there again, orientated, for all intensive purposes, wreck havoc.
–Loud music playing in coffee shops and restaurants so that it’s hard to enjoy the purpose of the establishment: talking, writing, or reading in peace.
–Stores piping in music from some obscure station featuring cheap songs with vacuous lyrics and second-rate covers of mediocre hit singles. These numbers get inside one’s head, distracting the shopper from reading the nutrition information on the loaf of bread. “Surely there could not be a song more asinine than this,” one thinks. But incredibly, the next song is always worse. And sometimes, the singer is slightly off-key.
–TVs on everywhere–restaurants, waiting rooms, kids’ play areas. Establishments shall not be obligated to always have a TV playing.
–Small children getting unfettered access to iPads and other sophisticated devices.
–Political figures and spokesmen on the radio pronouncing ‘s’ as ‘sh,’ as in “infrashtructure.”
–Grossly misleading uses of the word “ban” by members of either political party. This word shall be used only in cases where the activity or item was actually banned.
–Articles and news reports claiming that some commonly consumed item may be really bad for you. Most especially when the item was touted as having healthful benefits not many moons ago.
–The extra sugar that seems to be going into popular confections these days, causing a sickly sweetness to dominate other flavors. Peanut butter cups shall be restored to their former savory blend of flavors that includes cocoa, salt, and earthy nuttiness.
–Proposing and passing laws as an instinctive response to things we don’t like.Published in