A Suffering That Leads to Rest

 

We went to a church in my old hood Sunday. It was in the backyard of the pastor’s house, set with a mish-mash of folding chairs and patio tables, including one with coffee, kid drinks, and other treats. I’m guessing there were around 20 or so people there, another dozen or two online via Zoom, and a kid’s group doing its thing on another side of the house.

Why am I telling you this? At this point, I have no idea. Things usually become clear at around the 600-word mark. We will see.

I grew up in the south area of the city and, given my unsupervised freedom, I regularly (and without an inkling of fear that can only be born of wisdom), walked into or came close to taunting my own ruin via treacherous situations involving criminal types and other hoodlums who were usually up to no good thing. I did not make it out of there unscathed.

Anyway, I’ve known for years that I owe my childhood some sort of redemptive effort. You know … pay it forward, try to make things better for those coming up in similar circumstances. That kind of thing. Because, you know … there’s hope. Really.

I’ve not been feeling well for several months and finally went to the doctor. I’ve been diagnosed with an autoimmune system disease. I see a specialist on Tuesday, but my primary doc thinks it’s probably Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). I asked her, “What about Lupus?” She said, “That’s on the menu too.”

I call her “Doctor Ding Dong.” She’s probably doing the best she can, but I’ve had better docs (I will spare you the litany of disconnects, sloppy communications, and outright mistakes). I didn’t choose her. The receptionist chose her for me after my former most-awesome-doctor-ever left the practice.

My mom had RA. It was a really long and ugly journey with a disease that, at about the 20-year mark, tried to take her out with severe interstitial lung disease (one of many side effects of her meds). She was taken to the hospital and put on a ventilator to help her breathe. When I got there, the nurse asked if I’d like her to awaken my mother, but she could not, because my mother had suffered a brain stem stroke while sedated. They wanted to do an MRI which required a transfer to another hospital, a hospital where the neurologist there diagnosed her as being “locked in,” and told me that the best we could do was give her morphine and say goodbye.

Fortunately, I had spent quite a bit of time with the attending physician and the nurses at the first hospital, and I knew way more than this jerk-face thought I did. I had reviewed the brain scan with the ICU’s attending physician and we thought it highly possible that her brain could recover, the inflammation could subside, and she could regain function (I’m a big-time “possibilities” person). They also told me they had witnessed dozens of comatose patients awaken when the ventilator was replaced with a tracheostomy. I latched onto that as the next big step to take.

At the new hospital, a tracheostomy procedure was scheduled, but then suddenly canceled. No warning, no consultation … nothing. It was that pesky neurologist again. Believe me, our subsequent phone conversation was anything but pleasant. The fight ensued, and the tracheostomy was put back on the schedule.

The morning after the procedure, my stepdad and I stopped to eat a light breakfast at one of the round picnic tables in the outdoor area of the hospital cafeteria before going up to see her. We were talking about what should be done for my mom’s final goodbye. He was devastated, to say the least, but as a former law enforcement officer, the average person wouldn’t have noticed. He was a tough guy. Even so, I knew it. It was in his eyes.

At one point, he turned to me and said, “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have had an affair.”

He had never mentioned it before, and he has never mentioned it since. I appreciated his words. And I’ll never forget the moment.

It had ripped our families apart. The affair, that is.  So many wounds, so much anger, so many lies, and no grace or forgiveness. The stain remains and it has been hard to live with. Yet, he was the only one who ever acknowledged its impact.

Finishing our coffee, we got up from the table and went upstairs to her room.

She was awake.

It was the beginning of a long and horrendous journey that took another 18 months, but she fought hard, and regained over 70% of her function. We had five more years with her (and she was actually nice to me!) before losing her to a freakish accident that landed her in the hospital again … in a coma. She had fallen and hit her head … hard. The ER physician characterized the injury as blunt force trauma with severe bleeding on the brain. He looked stern and kind of suspicious, but as we talked and I told him that she had been falling down a lot lately, his face softened. And then he told me that the scan had detected a large mass in her brain near the center that controls balance. He suspected brain cancer. And there was nothing they could do.

She left us that night.

I’m not expecting this for me. Really, I’m not. The drugs and treatments are much better now than they were in the ’80s and ’90s. But it makes me pause and note that my “strong and healthy with extraordinary stamina” time is over. And all of the things in life I’ve always known are there waiting for me to do … still there waiting for me to do them.

That’s why I went to the old hood today. To find out what’s there to be done … what’s been waiting for me to do it.

This will sound weird, but I’m both excited and relieved.

Finally, I can unburden myself from chasing something I don’t even recognize. Maybe it’s having to be the strong one, the courageous one, the smart one in the room, and the one who gets things done. What has that gotten me anyway? Just more hurdles to clear … and to what end?

Seriously, all I can do now is go the Father and trust that His strength is sufficient, that I don’t need to prove myself to Him, and that through suffering, if that’s what it’s going to take, I can finally surrender to His hold on me. No more taking His assignments and running off to do things in my own strength. No more exhausting myself with what amounts to showing off, and then realizing I did it for purely selfish reasons.

Yes. Maybe I will finally rest.

In Him.

Wouldn’t it be funny if none of the tests were mine, that there was some sort of mix-up, and I’m actually in perfect health and will likely live to be 100? Would that change anything?

I hope not. I think not.

This might have created a no-turning-back kind of thing, like I suddenly know too much.

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  1. Dr. Bastiat Member
    Dr. Bastiat
    @drbastiat

    God-LovingWoman: all I can do now is go the Father and trust that his strength is sufficient, that I don’t need to prove myself to Him, and that through suffering, if that’s what it’s going to take, I can finally surrender to His hold on me.

    So … Nothing has changed.

    Your job is to teach others:

    Nothing has changed.

    • #1
  2. Columbo Inactive
    Columbo
    @Columbo

    Dr. Bastiat (View Comment):

    God-LovingWoman: all I can do now is go the Father and trust that his strength is sufficient, that I don’t need to prove myself to Him, and that through suffering, if that’s what it’s going to take, I can finally surrender to His hold on me.

    So … Nothing has changed.

    Your job is to teach others:

    Nothing has changed.

    I agree with the Doc! From your own words:

    Why am I telling you this? At this point, I have no idea. Things usually become clear at around the 600-word mark. We will see.

    You write, and love to write, in order to share life experiences, which teaches others the wisdom that you have been blessed with. You do it instinctively, whether you know why or not.  Your spirit senses the stories and wisdom that God wishes you to share with others. With that you are doing His will. Don’t chase other things that burden you, but don’t deliver the peace and fruits that you desire from the activity.

    Finally, I can unburden myself from chasing something I don’t even recognize.

    Maybe it’s having to be the strong one, the courageous one, the smart one in the room, and the one who gets things done. What has that gotten me anyway? Just more hurdles to clear … and to what end?

    You are strong. You are courageous. You are smart. You get things done!

    Use these gifts to discern in prayer your true mission and purpose that God had set before you. You will know it by its fruits. The fruits of your true mission will be peace and fulfillment, not disillusionment. And that is whether things go good or bad at the start. If you are following your true mission, you will find joy even in the midst of sorrow, for that is God’s way.

    May God bless you, keep you and make His face shine upon you!

    • #2
  3. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Praying for you and yours, GLW.

    • #3
  4. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Columbo (View Comment):

    Dr. Bastiat (View Comment):

    God-LovingWoman: all I can do now is go the Father and trust that his strength is sufficient, that I don’t need to prove myself to Him, and that through suffering, if that’s what it’s going to take, I can finally surrender to His hold on me.

    So … Nothing has changed.

    Your job is to teach others:

    Nothing has changed.

    I agree with the Doc! From your own words:

    Why am I telling you this? At this point, I have no idea. Things usually become clear at around the 600-word mark. We will see.

    You write, and love to write, in order to share life experiences, which teaches others the wisdom that you have been blessed with. You do it instinctively, whether you know why or not. Your spirit senses the stories and wisdom that God wishes you to share with others. With that you are doing His will. Don’t chase other things that burden you, but don’t deliver the peace and fruits that you desire from the activity.

    Finally, I can unburden myself from chasing something I don’t even recognize.

    Maybe it’s having to be the strong one, the courageous one, the smart one in the room, and the one who gets things done. What has that gotten me anyway? Just more hurdles to clear … and to what end?

    You are strong. You are courageous. You are smart. You get things done!

    Use these gifts to discern in prayer your true mission and purpose that God had set before you. You will know it by its fruits. The fruits of your true mission will be peace and fulfillment, not disillusionment. And that is whether things go good or bad at the start. If you are following your true mission, you will find joy even in the midst of sorrow, for that is God’s way.

    May God bless you, keep you and make His face shine upon you!

    Your kindness washes over me with good words! Thank you Lieutenant

    PS. My husband said you nailed it. And then he explained to me … and then your comments packed an even better punch. Now we’re talking about JD Salinger and Holden Canfield and how Salinger disappeared from public life … and why. Hmmmm

    • #4
  5. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Dr. Bastiat (View Comment):

    God-LovingWoman: all I can do now is go the Father and trust that his strength is sufficient, that I don’t need to prove myself to Him, and that through suffering, if that’s what it’s going to take, I can finally surrender to His hold on me.

    So … Nothing has changed.

    Your job is to teach others:

    Nothing has changed.

    Yes, I believe that your thought is good and full of Grace. I was nervous today at the church house while the pastor was getting to know us a bit. I talk too much when I’m nervous. He asked me what I do and I said that I’m a bright shiny object person, but that God keeps pulling me back to writing of Him … and that it’s personal ( which feels not quite right) but that it seems to make both me and the readers think. And maybe I should stick with it. He smiled and nodded. 

    • #5
  6. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Percival (View Comment):

    Praying for you and yours, GLW.

    Thank you Percival. That means a lot. 

    • #6
  7. RushBabe49 Thatcher
    RushBabe49
    @RushBabe49

    You are extraordinary. 

    • #7
  8. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    You are extraordinary.

    Thank you, but you’re going to get me in trouble saying things like this. :)

    • #8
  9. RushBabe49 Thatcher
    RushBabe49
    @RushBabe49

    God-LovingWoman (View Comment):

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    You are extraordinary.

    Thank you, but you’re going to get me in trouble saying things like this. :)

    God is the only one you need to worry about, and I think He likes you back.

    • #9
  10. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    God-LovingWoman (View Comment):

    RushBabe49 (View Comment):

    You are extraordinary.

    Thank you, but you’re going to get me in trouble saying things like this. :)

    God is the only one you need to worry about, and I think He likes you back.

    :) He likes you back too. And that was a really nice thing to say. 

    • #10
  11. Quietpi Member
    Quietpi
    @Quietpi

    @GLW, you have our prayers here, too.  But let me give you some encouragement.

    Our neighbor has RA.  It’s definitely a constant challenge, managing meds, etc.  But she leads a pretty normal life.  She and her husband raised two fantastic children, so our neighbor now has grandchildren to dote over.  She does gardening, beautiful crochet work, she’s a wonderful cook – she and Mrs. QuietPI are constantly sharing recipes, borrowing spices – you know the routine.

    So RA doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world.  Keep us up to date.

    (Edit) I don’t mean to make light of it.  On rereading, I’m afraid that I let it sound like I didn’t think it was a big deal.  Not the case.  It’s no “mere scratch.”  Some times are harder than others.  At the same time, don’t give up hope.

    • #11
  12. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Percival (View Comment):

    Praying for you and yours, GLW.

    Ditto.  Hang in there!

    • #12
  13. Columbo Inactive
    Columbo
    @Columbo

    GLW –  I happened to come across this today in my spiritual reading and it made me think of you and this conversation:

    This is a reflection written by St. John of the Cross (a Spanish priest, mystic and Carmelite friar (1542- 1591) – speaking to the Catholic practice of intensely deep prayer:

    Let those, then, who are singularly active, who think they can win the whole world with their preaching and exterior works, observe here that they would profit the Church and please God much more, not to mention the good example they would give, were they to spend at least half of this time with God in prayer … They would then certainly accomplish much more, and with less labor, by one work than they otherwise would by a thousand. For through their prayer they would merit this result, and themselves be spiritually strengthened. Without prayer they would do a great deal of hammering but accomplish little, and sometimes nothing, and even at times cause harm … However much they may appear to achieve externally, they will in substance be accomplishing nothing; it is beyond doubt that good works can be performed only by the power of God.

    • #13
  14. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Quietpi (View Comment):
    (Edit) I don’t mean to make light of it.  On rereading, I’m afraid that I let it sound like I didn’t think it was a big deal.  Not the case.  It’s no “mere scratch.”  Some times are harder than others.  At the same time, don’t give up hope.

    I didn’t read it as light at all. You offer encouragement, and I am ready to take all that I can get. I feel pretty good about the path forward even though I know nothing more than I did yesterday. I’ll see the specialist tomorrow morning and hope to learn exactly what recipe for my destruction is in play :).

    Seriously, I feel very good right now and know that God is holding me through this first phase of change. It’s going to be fine, even if it’s difficult. I am glad to hear that your neighbor is doing so well. That helps me more than you know given that my only point of reference is my own mom. She suffered in a different time. Treatments are better now … and I tend to advocate for myself much more than she ever did.

     

    • #14
  15. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Stad (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):

    Praying for you and yours, GLW.

    Ditto. Hang in there!

    Thank you! I will. It really helps to get such friendly support from the folks here. You all are really the only folks that know about this other than my immediate family and doctor. Not even my lovely step dad knows yet. After tomorrow I’ll have more to share.

    Blessings to you Stad

    • #15
  16. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Columbo (View Comment):

    GLW – I happened to come across this today in my spiritual reading and it made me think of you and this conversation:

    This is a reflection written by St. John of the Cross (a Spanish priest, mystic and Carmelite friar (1542- 1591) – speaking to the Catholic practice of intensely deep prayer:

    Let those, then, who are singularly active, who think they can win the whole world with their preaching and exterior works, observe here that they would profit the Church and please God much more, not to mention the good example they would give, were they to spend at least half of this time with God in prayer … They would then certainly accomplish much more, and with less labor, by one work than they otherwise would by a thousand. For through their prayer they would merit this result, and themselves be spiritually strengthened. Without prayer they would do a great deal of hammering but accomplish little, and sometimes nothing, and even at times cause harm … However much they may appear to achieve externally, they will in substance be accomplishing nothing; it is beyond doubt that good works can be performed only by the power of God.

    Absolutely on point. Thank you for this. I have been a fan of St. John of the Cross for some time.

    My mom used to tell me she didn’t understand what drove me. I don’t either, except it comes out of brokenness. Now it manifests physically … this disintegration of my heart, mind, body, and spirit (as opposed to being integrated and whole as Christ is). But it’s good … Romans 8:28.

    I hope that this might at last narrow my focus to ONLY that which is in alignment with His will. His will is all that’s right as you said in your first post … for it is infinite, deep, constantly creating, and much more interesting than any ideas I might come up with. Thank you so much for thinking of me. The support has given me great strength and energy.

    • #16
  17. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Dr. Bastiat (View Comment):
    Nothing has changed.

    @columbo

    @percival

    @stad

    @quietpi

    @rushbabe49

    Well … well … well

    Met with the specialist today.

    She says, “I don’t buy the test results.”

    She’s pretty certain that it’s NOT RA or Lupus. Doesn’t know what it is.

    Ordered more labs, which I dutifully completed while still there.

    The results are starting to trickle down into my inbox.

    ALL normal so far.

    I go back in two months. In the meantime, she’s going to figure it out. And I can get away with a good OTC med schedule that will help with pain and lack of sleep.

    I am so so so giggly.

    • #17
  18. Columbo Inactive
    Columbo
    @Columbo

    God-LovingWoman (View Comment):

    Dr. Bastiat (View Comment):
    Nothing has changed.

    @ columbo

    @ percival

    @ stad

    @ quietpi

    @ rushbabe49

    Well … well … well

    Met with the specialist today.

    She says, “I don’t buy the test results.”

    She’s pretty certain that it’s NOT RA or Lupus. Doesn’t know what it is.

    Ordered more labs, which I dutifully completed while still there.

    The results are starting to trickle down into my inbox.

    ALL normal so far.

    I go back in two months. In the meantime, she’s going to figure it out. And I can get away with a good OTC med schedule that will help with pain and lack of sleep.

    I am so so so giggly.

    I LOVE that you are giggly. The Holy Spirit is laughing out loud!

    • #18
  19. Dr. Bastiat Member
    Dr. Bastiat
    @drbastiat

    God-LovingWoman (View Comment):

    Dr. Bastiat (View Comment):
    Nothing has changed.

    @ columbo

    @ percival

    @ stad

    @ quietpi

    @ rushbabe49

    Well … well … well

    Met with the specialist today.

    She says, “I don’t buy the test results.”

    She’s pretty certain that it’s NOT RA or Lupus. Doesn’t know what it is.

    Ordered more labs, which I dutifully completed while still there.

    The results are starting to trickle down into my inbox.

    ALL normal so far.

    I go back in two months. In the meantime, she’s going to figure it out. And I can get away with a good OTC med schedule that will help with pain and lack of sleep.

    I am so so so giggly.

    God is good.  All the time.

    • #19
  20. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    God-LovingWoman (View Comment):
    I am so so so giggly.

    • #20
  21. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Columbo (View Comment):

    I am so so so giggly.

    I LOVE that you are giggly. The Holy Spirit is laughing out loud!

    Exactly!

    • #21
  22. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Percival (View Comment):

    God-LovingWoman (View Comment):
    I am so so so giggly.

    Perfect. David Benoit???? Love it

    • #22
  23. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Dr. Bastiat (View Comment):

    God-LovingWoman (View Comment):

    Dr. Bastiat (View Comment):
    Nothing has changed.

    @ columbo

    @ percival

    @ stad

    @ quietpi

    @ rushbabe49

    Well … well … well

    Met with the specialist today.

    She says, “I don’t buy the test results.”

    She’s pretty certain that it’s NOT RA or Lupus. Doesn’t know what it is.

    Ordered more labs, which I dutifully completed while still there.

    The results are starting to trickle down into my inbox.

    ALL normal so far.

    I go back in two months. In the meantime, she’s going to figure it out. And I can get away with a good OTC med schedule that will help with pain and lack of sleep.

    I am so so so giggly.

    God is good. All the time.

    Amen amen amen. 

    • #23
  24. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

     

    • #24
  25. God-LovingWoman Coolidge
    God-LovingWoman
    @GodLovingWoman

    Percival (View Comment):Fabulous! My face is gonna hurt from smiling so big. Isn’t it great when the internet is used to spread really cool stuff?

     

     

    • #25
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