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Facing Your Fears and Appreciating Your Life
As I quietly meditated yesterday morning, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a giant wave of anxiety. I knew precisely what it was about, and I wanted nothing to do with it.
In a couple of weeks, I will begin chemotherapy, and I had been so brave and centered about the whole thing. And then my fears suddenly showed up and the last thing I wanted to do was face them. I have much to be thankful for, and up until that moment I was leading my usual life. I anticipate experiencing much joy in the next couple of weeks, especially celebrating Passover with the @iwe family. So fear was completely unacceptable.
And then I remembered an ancient and wise teaching. Many people believe that when fear and anxiety show up in our lives, we need to stuff them away, defeat them and move on. I used to believe that was the best strategy; I could ignore the fear and make believe it just didn’t exist. It’s just that deep anxiety has a mind of its own, and is determined to be acknowledged, no matter how hard we try to ignore it; it will continue to rear its ugly head until we face it. So as I sat quietly, I allowed myself to be swamped by that anxiety. I felt its intensity, its demands for my attention, its power. I didn’t indulge it with devastating ideas or conjure up negative outcomes. I simply sat with it. And within moments, it began to dissipate. Anxiety had been acknowledged, which is all it asks for; it really has no interest in wounding my heart or maintaining its strength. In another few moments, I could once again feel the solace and sweetness of my meditation. And time moved on.
* * * * *
Living in distressful times seems to demand our constant attention. It is difficult to deal with the fear of our friends and the destructive efforts of our utopian and naïve citizens. Some people have chosen to cut themselves off from following the news; every day it seems like another catastrophic law or foolish mandate has been passed.
But I like to be engaged. Some people might say I’m addicted to the news. I’d rather think of myself simply choosing to remain aware of and present to life as it unfolds. And at those moments when it all seems like too much, when the anxiety engulfs me, I notice it, breathe into it and move on.
And life, with all its chaos, irrationality, and traumas, as well as its beauty, joy, and delights, goes on.
Published in Culture
I will be praying this for you @susanquinn
Boy, there’s someone I’d love to emulate! [sarc off]
Thank you, @keithlowery.
In Frank Herbert’s Dune, the Bene-Gesserit have a prayer:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
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This is perfect, @stad. Precisely the way it should be experienced and dealt with. Thanks.
Acceptance conquers fear as we are reminded in this ancient parable:
Moral of the story: If the Foo sh*ts, wear it.
Grasshopper, you will be wearing the Foosh*t until this unpleasant interlude passes and you are well past the current crisis. Might as well wear it and laugh. Denial and anxiety are distinctly inferior options.
Thank you, Master. Well, you got me off to a good start–this is definitely a LOL! I met with the nurse practitioner for chemo training, and she strongly encouraged me to continue my usual lifestyle as much as possible during treatment. That was very good news!
You are blessed that this is your experience of it. For many people, it is persistent and bullying.
In my experience with various types of anxiety, some require submission, some require denial. Some anxieties teach us our fears and help us to face them. Some anxieties bring forward our fears and paralyze us with useless scenarios.
It is most important to learn which are speaking to you, trying to tell you something you do not want to acknowledge in your daily life. These help us to learn about ourselves and to move forward with knowledge and peace, if not a new strength. Some anxieties, though, are not helpful. Their usefulness has been overwhelmed and mutated into something that is not only unhelpful, but actively damaging.
I am glad that your anxieties spoke to you and went to rest. When this happens, I try to remember to be grateful to my psyche for prodding and (ultimately!) relenting once acknowledged. If you ever need anything, please message me. It is not my specialty, however, I know people who can provide information and support on a more technical level that really might help ease the process for you and yours.
I think it’s the taxotere that has more hair loss. Quick google search says 2 weeks after starting treatment (just to be aware). This website seems to be useful wrt drugs and timing.
From what I’ve seen, I’d like to think I’d go the scarf route, just because of my sensitive skin and other immune issues (without adding chemo). That said….you could have fabulous wigs with every style you ever wanted but could never grow yourself! Sometimes, I think that would be pretty amazing. I mean, it’s not a great trade off, but ever looking toward the upside…
Such a kind and thoughtful remark, @therightnurse. Thank you. I’m so fortunate to have a good support network, and I think I’m dealing adequately with the anxiety as it arises.
I like your attitude! Find the upside is almost always a good plan. Yes, I’ve visited a number of websites–that one looks like a good one, too. When my hair starts to fall out, I’m taking it off–I don’t think I could handle clumps coming out at a time. I already have a couple of pretty scarfs and a beret. My skin is sensitive too, so I suspect pasted on eyebrows or any thing else won’t be a good idea. And when I said I didn’t want to do wigs, my NP said they can be uncomfortable for some when the weather heats up. My whole approach is to keep it simple–simple! So tons of time required for anything that isn’t necessary won’t cut it. Thanks so much!
As soon as I started losing hair I couldn’t get it all off fast enough – it’s really messy having hair all over the place. Besides scarves I had a couple of turban like headcovers but they tended to give me headaches
I found wigs to be intolerable – couldn’t stand the itching. Re eyebrows – I’ve never worn makeup so I was never able to draw on eyebrows properly – just did without.
Hey, cheap drunks are the best kind!
Seriously though, you can count on prayers coming from Appalachia…
Thanks, CA. I’m grateful.
My sister collected scarves and berets and loved having a variety. We bought her a wig but she barely wore it. Buy some silk pillowcases.
Susan, as a family which has lived through that experience (My Lady underwent chemo and extensive radiation treatments a few years ago), I write to tell you that you are in our prayers and we pray for a speedy and full recovery. Sincerely, Jim