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A Wine Snob Reviews the Political Class
Nancy Pelosi
Aged over a period of 80 years, Pelosi will strike many political connoisseurs as almost pickled. Imperious, regal, and with an extraordinarily high alcohol content, Pelosi’s bouquet almost washes over you like the tide or the administrative state. Most palates outside Mill Valley will find this varietal has lost a step.
Mitch McConnell
McConnell almost teases you with a laconic nature. With a fragrant bouquet redolent of bourbon and cocaine, McConnell is an excellent choice for anyone whose palate favors character and mastery above all. A superb choice for reshaping the federal judiciary into the originalist mold for at least a generation.
Joe Manchin
Technically a red but with unmistakable blue streaks yielding a kind of wishy-washy purple hue, Manchin is a rarity on the current scene. Widely disliked, Manchin is nevertheless redolent of rich dark coal and finishes delightfully with hints of fiscal sanity and the second amendment.
Susan Collins
Technically a blue but with unmistakable red streaks yielding a kind of wishy-washy purple hue, Collins is a rarity in the current scene. Though widely disliked, Collins remains popular among both Max Boot, Jennifer Rubin, and the Lincoln Project’s social media guy. Pairs well with aggressively centrist Republicans, Democrats, and pretty much anything in-between.
Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez
Incredibly dense and unabashedly tarty. Fresh aromas of sea salt and crushed stone sexed-up to taste like the new coke. The palate is dumb at first before unfurling with an even dumber crescendo of dried pineapple, lanolin, and other people’s money. The structure of this 31-year old unabashed red deserves its own mention: a seamless freshness, oh-so-fine pixellated tannins with an extraordinary persistence of a minty Green New Deal. Also, totally unaffordable.
Ted Cruz
An aggressively ambitious mid-palate finesse, Cruz’s ruthless natural acidity of cigarette ash and pencil shavings come to the foreground, mingling with small hints of caramel-drizzled licorice and rank populism. Makes you use the modifier “common good” a lot.
Marjorie Taylor Green
Eminently quaffable with an animating tang which renders the finish mouthwateringly conspiratorial. A strong initial impression with a nose-mingling bouquet of beeswax, tinfoil and frickin’ laser beams. Pairs well with DC pizza.
Published in Humor
That’s good, David.
Good stuff, I’m glad you didn’t do Swalwell. Describing the bouquet would probably not be COC compliant.
“Smokey, with hints of fart.”
Man, that’s good.
You didn’t mention any nutty or fruity flavors. I suppose you’re saving that for your coffee snob review.
Swalwell: Putrid, yet vapid.
Schumer: Tepid, yet flaccid.
Must be consumed within a week of bottling, does not age well, a distinct hint of vinegar, pairs well with expensive ice cream.
Hahaha!
Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez
Incredibly dense and unabashedly tarty. Fresh aromas of sea salt and crushed stone sexed up to taste like the new coke. The palate is dumb at first before unfurling with an even dumber crescendo of dried pineapple, lanolin and other people’s money. The structure of this 31-year old unabashed red deserves its own mention: a seamless freshness, oh-so-fine pixellated tannins with an extraordinary persistence of a minty Green New Deal. Also, totally unaffordable.
The best of the lot probably because it is closest to real. Read aloud here & had the whole house laughing. Well done.
Livid, yet lurid.
I needed this so much today! Thank you!
Excellent and well done. Reading these descriptions reminded me of these less than palatable Australian table wines:
This is hilariously brilliant, thanks David.
When you are done reducing our political betters into parodies that have gone where no wine critic has gone before, perhaps you can take on some of the Talking Heads.
For instance, people, and I use that word loosely, like Rachel Maddow, or Stephen Colbert.
I remember the beginning of the Tea Party movement and utterly despising Joe Manchin and especially his daughter who was up to no good.
The fact that the entire future of the senate relies on that man, galls me to this day.
He will fold. His party has too much power to do otherwise.
And we don’t have enough power to have his back when the going gets rough for him. We can provide no soft landing like the Democrats can.
And with an ineffable tang tang of Fang Fang.
Monty Python you got no complaints!
Zum Schieflachen. Und jetzt ein Gläschen.
Even the words I couldn’t understand were hilarious!
I highly recommend the Monty Python compilation The Final Rip Off. David Deeble’s creative and hilarious post places him in some famous comedic company.
The problem is he can only fold once and then he isn’t necessary anymore and will have no power. Plus once he caves he is likely to be canceled, so it is a dangerous game for him. I agree he is likely to cave but caving won’t save him.