A Wine Snob Reviews the Political Class

 

Nancy Pelosi
Aged over a period of 80 years, Pelosi will strike many political connoisseurs as almost pickled. Imperious, regal, and with an extraordinarily high alcohol content, Pelosi’s bouquet almost washes over you like the tide or the administrative state. Most palates outside Mill Valley will find this varietal has lost a step.

Mitch McConnell
McConnell almost teases you with a laconic nature. With a fragrant bouquet redolent of bourbon and cocaine, McConnell is an excellent choice for anyone whose palate favors character and mastery above all. A superb choice for reshaping the federal judiciary into the originalist mold for at least a generation.

Joe Manchin
Technically a red but with unmistakable blue streaks yielding a kind of wishy-washy purple hue, Manchin is a rarity on the current scene. Widely disliked, Manchin is nevertheless redolent of rich dark coal and finishes delightfully with hints of fiscal sanity and the second amendment.

Susan Collins
Technically a blue but with unmistakable red streaks yielding a kind of wishy-washy purple hue, Collins is a rarity in the current scene. Though widely disliked, Collins remains popular among both Max Boot, Jennifer Rubin, and the Lincoln Project’s social media guy. Pairs well with aggressively centrist Republicans, Democrats, and pretty much anything in-between.

Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez
Incredibly dense and unabashedly tarty. Fresh aromas of sea salt and crushed stone sexed-up to taste like the new coke. The palate is dumb at first before unfurling with an even dumber crescendo of dried pineapple, lanolin, and other people’s money. The structure of this 31-year old unabashed red deserves its own mention: a seamless freshness, oh-so-fine pixellated tannins with an extraordinary persistence of a minty Green New Deal. Also, totally unaffordable.

Ted Cruz
An aggressively ambitious mid-palate finesse, Cruz’s ruthless natural acidity of cigarette ash and pencil shavings come to the foreground, mingling with small hints of caramel-drizzled licorice and rank populism. Makes you use the modifier “common good” a lot.

Marjorie Taylor Green 

Eminently quaffable with an animating tang which renders the finish mouthwateringly conspiratorial. A strong initial impression with a nose-mingling bouquet of beeswax, tinfoil and frickin’ laser beams. Pairs well with DC pizza.

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There are 23 comments.

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  1. Mark Camp Member
    Mark Camp
    @MarkCamp

    That’s good, David.

    • #1
  2. Scott Wilmot Member
    Scott Wilmot
    @ScottWilmot

    Good stuff, I’m glad you didn’t do Swalwell. Describing the bouquet would probably not be COC compliant.

    • #2
  3. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    Scott Wilmot (View Comment):

    Good stuff, I’m glad you didn’t do Swalwell. Describing the bouquet would probably not be COC compliant.

    “Smokey, with hints of fart.” 

    • #3
  4. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    David Deeble: The palate is dumb at first before unfurling with an even dumber crescendo of dried pineapple, lanolin and other people’s money.

    Man, that’s good.

    • #4
  5. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    You didn’t mention any nutty or fruity flavors. I suppose you’re saving that for your coffee snob review.

    • #5
  6. Bob W Member
    Bob W
    @WBob

    Swalwell: Putrid, yet vapid.

    Schumer: Tepid, yet flaccid.

     

     

     

    • #6
  7. Doug Watt Moderator
    Doug Watt
    @DougWatt

    Nancy Pelosi

    Aged over a period of 80 years, Pelosi will strike many political connoisseurs as almost pickled. Imperious, regal and with an extraordinarily high alcohol content, Pelosi’s bouquet almost washes over you like the tide or the administrative state. Most palates outside Mill Valley will find this varietal has lost a step.

    Must be consumed within a week of bottling, does not age well, a distinct hint of vinegar, pairs well with expensive ice cream. 

    • #7
  8. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    Doug Watt (View Comment):

    Nancy Pelosi

    Aged over a period of 80 years, Pelosi will strike many political connoisseurs as almost pickled. Imperious, regal and with an extraordinarily high alcohol content, Pelosi’s bouquet almost washes over you like the tide or the administrative state. Most palates outside Mill Valley will find this varietal has lost a step.

    Must be consumed within a week of bottling, does not age well, a distinct hint of vinegar, pairs well with expensive ice cream.

    Hahaha!

    • #8
  9. Foghorn Coolidge
    Foghorn
    @Dave Rogers

    Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez

    Incredibly dense and unabashedly tarty. Fresh aromas of sea salt and crushed stone sexed up to taste like the new coke. The palate is dumb at first before unfurling with an even dumber crescendo of dried pineapple, lanolin and other people’s money. The structure of this 31-year old unabashed red deserves its own mention: a seamless freshness, oh-so-fine pixellated tannins with an extraordinary persistence of a minty Green New Deal. Also, totally unaffordable.

    The best of the lot probably because it is closest to real.  Read aloud here & had the whole house laughing.  Well done.

     

    • #9
  10. Bob W Member
    Bob W
    @WBob

    Foghorn (View Comment):

    Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez

    Incredibly dense and unabashedly tarty. Fresh aromas of sea salt and crushed stone sexed up to taste like the new coke. The palate is dumb at first before unfurling with an even dumber crescendo of dried pineapple, lanolin and other people’s money. The structure of this 31-year old unabashed red deserves its own mention: a seamless freshness, oh-so-fine pixellated tannins with an extraordinary persistence of a minty Green New Deal. Also, totally unaffordable.

    The best of the lot probably because it is closest to real. Read aloud here & had the whole house laughing. Well done.

     

    Livid, yet lurid.

     

    • #10
  11. Shauna Hunt Coolidge
    Shauna Hunt
    @ShaunaHunt

    I needed this so much today! Thank you!

    • #11
  12. DJ EJ Member
    DJ EJ
    @DJEJ

    Excellent and well done. Reading these descriptions reminded me of these less than palatable Australian table wines:

     

    • #12
  13. Dave of Barsham Member
    Dave of Barsham
    @LesserSonofBarsham

    This is hilariously brilliant, thanks David.

    • #13
  14. CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill Coolidge
    CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill
    @CarolJoy

    When you are done reducing our political betters into parodies that have gone where no wine critic has gone before, perhaps you can take on some of the Talking Heads.

    For instance, people, and I use that word loosely, like Rachel Maddow, or Stephen Colbert.

    • #14
  15. David March Thatcher
    David March
    @ToryWarWriter

    I remember the beginning of the Tea Party movement and utterly despising Joe Manchin and especially his daughter who was up to no good.

    The fact that the entire future of the senate relies on that man, galls me to this day.  

    • #15
  16. Doctor Robert Member
    Doctor Robert
    @DoctorRobert

    David March (View Comment):

    I remember the beginning of the Tea Party movement and utterly despising Joe Manchin and especially his daughter who was up to no good.

    The fact that the entire future of the senate relies on that man, galls me to this day.

    He will fold.  His party has too much power to do otherwise.

    • #16
  17. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    Doctor Robert (View Comment):

    David March (View Comment):

    I remember the beginning of the Tea Party movement and utterly despising Joe Manchin and especially his daughter who was up to no good.

    The fact that the entire future of the senate relies on that man, galls me to this day.

    He will fold. His party has too much power to do otherwise.

    And we don’t have enough power to have his back when the going gets rough for him. We can provide no soft landing like the Democrats can. 

    • #17
  18. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    David Deeble (View Comment):

    Scott Wilmot (View Comment):

    Good stuff, I’m glad you didn’t do Swalwell. Describing the bouquet would probably not be COC compliant.

    “Smokey, with hints of fart.”

    And with an ineffable tang tang of Fang Fang.

    • #18
  19. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble
    @DavidDeeble

    DJ EJ (View Comment):

    Excellent and well done. Reading these descriptions reminded me of these less than palatable Australian table wines:

     

    Monty Python you got no complaints!

    • #19
  20. Hartmann von Aue Member
    Hartmann von Aue
    @HartmannvonAue

    Zum Schieflachen. Und jetzt ein Gläschen. 

    • #20
  21. Steven Seward Member
    Steven Seward
    @StevenSeward

    DJ EJ (View Comment):

    Excellent and well done. Reading these descriptions reminded me of these less than palatable Australian table wines:

     

    Even the words I couldn’t understand were hilarious!

    • #21
  22. DJ EJ Member
    DJ EJ
    @DJEJ

    Steven Seward (View Comment):

    DJ EJ (View Comment):

    Excellent and well done. Reading these descriptions reminded me of these less than palatable Australian table wines:

     

    Even the words I couldn’t understand were hilarious!

    I highly recommend the Monty Python compilation The Final Rip Off. David Deeble’s creative and hilarious post places him in some famous comedic company.

    • #22
  23. Raxxalan Member
    Raxxalan
    @Raxxalan

    The Reticulator (View Comment):

    Doctor Robert (View Comment):

    David March (View Comment):

    I remember the beginning of the Tea Party movement and utterly despising Joe Manchin and especially his daughter who was up to no good.

    The fact that the entire future of the senate relies on that man, galls me to this day.

    He will fold. His party has too much power to do otherwise.

    And we don’t have enough power to have his back when the going gets rough for him. We can provide no soft landing like the Democrats can.

    The problem is he can only fold once and then he isn’t necessary anymore and will have no power.  Plus once he caves he is likely to be canceled, so it is a dangerous game for him.   I agree he is likely to cave but caving won’t save him.  

    • #23