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Some Curmudgeonly Christmas Cheer
I’m spending my Christmas alone at my house this year. Thanks to my nephew, I got COVID and no one wants me over. (Actually, I am over it now and exited quarantine yesterday. I’ll write about it this weekend, but have not had time during the week, due to working a new job.)
So, I decided to share some Christmas cheer. This is for all the curmudgeons on Ricochet.
If Santa answered his mail honestly
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they? Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides him constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the butts of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging schtick may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again. Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa
Everything was shamelessly stolen from Ace of Spades blog and cleaned up to meet Ricochet’s COC.
Published in General
Funny! Except, Francis should have gotten just the tuba. Parents would be really pleased.
I am sorry you will be alone this year on Christmas, and I’m pleased that you have recovered from the CCP virus. You will be in our prayers.
Merry Christmas!
RushBabe49
I’ll be going up to see my family next weekend and we will have a late Christmas. I was not seriously ill. I worked through every day of the illness. Like I said, I’ll write something up about it in the next day or two.
I’m glad we are here to keep you company. Glad you are over the rona. Merry Christmas!!! Love the Santa replies.
Aren’t there supposed to be just 8 reindeer? Or did that become 8 plus Rudolph?
Santa is dragging this year and needs an extra. Duh!
Thanks for the laughs, Marky.
This seems just right for curmudgeonly cheer:
PS: Seawriter, I’m glad you’re with us and feeling fine!
Sorry to hear of your troubles, but very glad you’re over the worst.
(Santa’s exchange with Thomas about the Chinese toys really made me laugh.)
I got da COVID for Christmas this year as well. Or, rather, I was definitely exposed to it. So I might or might not be quarantined for nothing.
But all my siblings are similarly quarantined. So it wouldn’t have mattered. It was a Zoom Christmas. The kids had fun.
Curmudgeonly smirks are half of what it’s all about! We’ll understand the other half in the great bye and bye!