Recommended by Ricochet Members Created with Sketch. The New Guy

 

“Whose bloody idea was it to add this moron to my team?” I shouted in anger.

Well, the Boss stuck his head outside of the office, pointed his finger at me, and said, “You. My office. Now.”

I knew I was in for it. The Boss had already gone back into his office, so I rolled my eyes and followed him in. The Boss’ office is quite spacious, and I decided to just pace in front of his desk.

“Go ahead,” I said.

“Why don’t you have a seat?” the Boss asked.

“I sit all day long,” I objected. “It’s nice to be on my feet for a few minutes.”

“Suit yourself,” he said. “Would you like to, perhaps, rephrase the question you had out there a bit more respectfully?”

I sighed, “We were doing fine. We don’t need the new guy on the team.”

“That’s not a question,” the Boss sat down behind his desk and put his feet up.

“Fine, why did you saddle us with the new guy?”

The Boss smiled, “Your team wasn’t meeting its numbers.”

“We most certainly were. We were at 100% of goal,” I objected.

The Boss waggled a hand, “Eh, you were slowing down. You were getting them all, but your team was getting slower and slower about it. The average capture time had gone up by a factor of three, and I could see that in the future it might get to four or five times the original capture time.”

“There are many more to capture these days,” I said sulkily.

“Of course there are,” the Boss agreed, “because they have been living free for longer and breeding more before your team captured them. That’s why I gave your team some help.”

“But,” I shook my head, “you have no idea what this new guy gets up to. The things that he gets them to do. It’s just unseemly.”

“Do you think I’m not watching?” He asked as he gestured towards the windows of his office. “Do you think I don’t know exactly what goes on? The new guy gets the job done.”

“I suppose,” I looked out his office window onto the vast expanse of the world. “But it just isn’t as classy. Besides, our team has been known as the same thing for thousands of years. Having the new guy spoils that.”

The Boss chuckled, “You’ll just have to get used to your new name. I need those length until capture numbers back down.”

“Yes, sir,” I nodded and left the office.

“Come on, Stupidity,” I said as I passed the new guy on the way outside, “We need to get to work.”

“Oh, goody,” he gabbled as he followed me out to where the other three members of my team waited.

I mounted my white horse as Stupidity mounted his piebald mount. I shook my head in disgust. Couldn’t he at least ride a horse? Or if his mount had to be bovine, why not a bull? No, he mounted his piebald heifer.

“Alright, Five Horseme…” I was interrupted by a cleared throat.

I rolled my eyes and corrected myself, “Alright, Five Mounted Men of the Apocalypse, let’s ride.”

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There are 22 comments.

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  1. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSul Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Too bad Terry Pratchett isn’t around any longer to work in Stupidity as DEATH’s new assistant in Discworld.

    • #1
    • November 20, 2020, at 10:21 AM PST
    • 6 likes
  2. Arahant Member
    Arahant

    SkipSul (View Comment):

    Too bad Terry Pratchett isn’t around any longer to work in Stupidity as DEATH’s new assistant in Discworld.

    But he’s the greatest assistant DEATH ever had.

    • #2
    • November 20, 2020, at 10:26 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  3. RightAngles Member

    I did not see that coming, NGL

    • #3
    • November 20, 2020, at 10:55 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  4. RightAngles Member

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    I did not see that coming, NGL

    I did start to see there was something afoot when he said “thousands of years,” tho.

    • #4
    • November 20, 2020, at 11:03 AM PST
    • 5 likes
  5. Arahant Member
    Arahant

    RightAngles (View Comment):
    I did start to see there was something afoot when he said “thousands of years,” tho.

    That is good. I tried to save the real tells until the end.

    • #5
    • November 20, 2020, at 12:01 PM PST
    • 4 likes
  6. RightAngles Member

    This was a great post, BTW

    • #6
    • November 20, 2020, at 2:21 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  7. Arahant Member
    Arahant

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    This was a great post, BTW

    Thank you.

    • #7
    • November 20, 2020, at 2:47 PM PST
    • 2 likes
  8. Skyler Coolidge

    VERY good!

    • #8
    • November 20, 2020, at 4:12 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  9. Percival Thatcher
    Percival Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Hardly a new guy, though. He’s been there since the beginning.

    As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man
    There are only four things certain since Social Progress began.
    That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,
    And the burnt Fool’s bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire;

    And that after this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins
    When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins,
    As surely as Water will wet us, as surely as Fire will burn,
    The Gods of the Copybook Headings with terror and slaughter return!

    — “The Gods of the Copybook Headings”, Rudyard Kipling

    • #9
    • November 20, 2020, at 4:57 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  10. Arahant Member
    Arahant

    Percival (View Comment):
    Hardly a new guy, though. He’s been there since the beginning.

    So, you’re saying Kipling is a better source on these matters than the Bible?

    • #10
    • November 20, 2020, at 5:05 PM PST
    • 1 like
  11. Percival Thatcher
    Percival Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):
    Hardly a new guy, though. He’s been there since the beginning.

    So, you’re saying Kipling is a better source on these matters than the Bible?

    Stupidity is something new? Eve gave Adam the apple, but Adam didn’t have to eat it.

    • #11
    • November 20, 2020, at 5:23 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  12. Arahant Member
    Arahant

    Percival (View Comment):
    Stupidity is something new? Eve gave Adam the apple, but Adam didn’t have to eat it.

    I’m just saying he wasn’t one of the hor. . . uh, Mounted Men of the Apocalypse from the beginning.

    • #12
    • November 20, 2020, at 5:34 PM PST
    • 2 likes
  13. davenr321 Coolidge

    Nice!

    • #13
    • November 21, 2020, at 4:38 AM PST
    • 1 like
  14. MichaelHenry Contributor

    Nicely done, Arahant. You might adding HYPOCRISY as number 6. MH

     

    • #14
    • November 21, 2020, at 4:53 AM PST
    • 1 like
  15. Arahant Member
    Arahant

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Nicely done, Arahant. You might adding HYPOCRISY as number 6. MH

    Hmmn, and what would he ride? 😈

    • #15
    • November 21, 2020, at 5:06 AM PST
    • 1 like
  16. Percival Thatcher
    Percival Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Nicely done, Arahant. You might adding HYPOCRISY as number 6. MH

    Hmmn, and what would he ride? 😈

    • #16
    • November 21, 2020, at 5:55 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  17. Cliff Hadley Thatcher

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    I did not see that coming, NGL

    I did start to see there was something afoot when he said “thousands of years,” tho.

    The tell for me was the boss putting his feet up.

    • #17
    • November 21, 2020, at 6:24 AM PST
    • 1 like
  18. Arahant Member
    Arahant

    Percival (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Nicely done, Arahant. You might adding HYPOCRISY as number 6. MH

    Hmmn, and what would he ride? 😈

    Okay, that would be appropriate.

    • #18
    • November 21, 2020, at 6:43 AM PST
    • 1 like
  19. Judge Mental Member

    Arahant (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Nicely done, Arahant. You might adding HYPOCRISY as number 6. MH

    Hmmn, and what would he ride? 😈

    A line of eight Suburbans.

    • #19
    • November 21, 2020, at 7:21 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  20. Arahant Member
    Arahant

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Nicely done, Arahant. You might adding HYPOCRISY as number 6. MH

    Hmmn, and what would he ride? 😈

    A line of eight Suburbans.

    Very good, sir.

    • #20
    • November 21, 2020, at 10:14 AM PST
    • Like
  21. Randy Webster Member

    Percival (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Nicely done, Arahant. You might adding HYPOCRISY as number 6. MH

    Hmmn, and what would he ride? 😈

     

    Or when the horse is drunk.

    • #21
    • November 22, 2020, at 4:31 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  22. Percival Thatcher
    Percival Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Randy Webster (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    MichaelHenry (View Comment):

    Nicely done, Arahant. You might adding HYPOCRISY as number 6. MH

    Hmmn, and what would he ride? 😈

     

    Or when the horse is drunk.

    One of you really needs to be sober.

    • #22
    • November 22, 2020, at 7:53 AM PST
    • 2 likes