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My longtime friend and attorney E. Hobart Calhoun dropped me off at the 24-hour LOBES-R-US walk-in clinic located in the old A&W Root Beer A-frame building in the decaying strip center on University Avenue.
E. volunteered to give me a ride because he knew from dropping off other clients that Dr. Hans O’Cranium uses eye drops to dilate the brain to properly evaluate the suitability of the patient’s frontal lobe for the procedure, rendering the patient’s drive home unpredictably hazardous.
The nurse receptionist checked me in and invited me to follow her. I gestured to the two slack-jawed men in the waiting room.
“Aren’t they ahead of me?” I asked the nurse.
“Oh, they’re both here for their post-procedure checkup. They’ll wait all day without a peep. Dr. O’Cranium will be with you shortly.”
As I studied the doctor’s wall, including his diploma from Poughkeepsie Phrenology and Neurological Institute, the doc walked in. O’Cranium’s pale green surgery scrubs were stained with what appeared to be dried blood and chunks of gray matter. I was taken with his wild white hair and darting, protruding eyeballs, thinking this was one smart dude. He reminded me of Christopher Lloyd’s “Doc” Brown in Back to the Future.
“Impressive credentials,” I said.
“Let’s get to it, shall we?” he said in the way smart people do. “Are you suffering from a clouded sensorium?”
“Uh,” I said, “I’ve just been really depressed since November third. I’m all about the rule of law, the constitution, and right and wrong. I think the Democrats stole the election.”
“I see,” he said, walking around his desk to place his palms on my head, feeling here and there for bumps and ridges. “The prefontal is what you need.”
“I did some research,” I said. “Do you use Dr. Walter Freeman’s method?”
“Of course, but instead of the crude ice picks he purchased from hardware stores, I use state of the art stainless steel picks. And, when I insert the steel through your eye socket and into your frontal lobe, I scramble the tissue using a clockwise rotation. If the results are unfavorable, I can undo the surgery by rotating the ice pick in a counter-clockwise manner in a follow-up procedure, returning the tissue to its unscrambled state.”
“LOBES-R-US is nationwide,” I volunteered. “Has your technique been successful on well-known people?”
“Certainly. We’ve had tremendous success with political figures, including Mitt Romney for anger and jealousy issues, and Nancy Lugosi to relax her twitchy face. Celebrities, too, such as Whoopi Goldberg, Alec Baldwin, and others.”
“What about Joe Biden?
“One of my colleagues in Scranton performed the procedure, but found there was a void in the prefontal lobe, so nothing to scramble.”
“I see,” I said. “Are there side effects?”
“Well, in some patients, although they get relief from crippling anxieties and anti-social tendencies, there can be a decreased emotional response to life and a mental dullness that renders them incapable of rational thought.”
“That’s unfortunate,” I said.
“Not necessarily,” Doc O’Cranium said, “many have gone on to have successful careers in the highest levels of the mainstream media and the Democrat Party. Chief Justice John Roberts, for example.”
“All very impressive,” I said, “but I’m still a bit worried about this.”
“Ah,” he said, “the procedure will take care of that.”Published in