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If I Were a Parent I’d Raise My Kids to Be Independent Adults
You want to know what is best in life…
Well, let me tell you!To crush your enemies
See them driven before you
And to hear the lamentation
Of their women
I guess that might work for Conan. He’s a barbarian, after all. It always struck me as a pretty low bar. I mean – making a woman cry? How hard is that?
I will tell you what is really best in life – none of that easy stuff like making a bunch of women cry. It is seeing all your children grown, living independently, settled in good careers, married and starting their own families. Not with just one of your children. Getting one of them to that condition is really great. The hat trick is getting them all in that condition. That is really best in life.
Janet and I managed that. Okay, the youngest isn’t married yet, but he is working on that. He has the rest of it nailed down. And he is the youngest. I am pretty sure all it will take is a little more time, but he will get there.
It was not an accident. We worked at it. I would like to share how.
Some backstory: Neither Jan nor I were the oldest in our families. We were the first to move out marry, and start careers and families. One thing we shared was a strong sense of independence. From our early teens, well before we met, both of us were intent on becoming adults and lead our own lives. I was the slow one. I moved out when I was 18 and never moved back, paying rent and food from a part-time job. Jan did the same thing when she was 17. Meanwhile our siblings stayed at home into their 20s (late 20s in one case). We did better than our siblings, at least in part because we started living our own lives earlier. When we had kids we decided we needed to instill that kind of independence in them.
It takes planning and effort. The first step is setting expectations. Believe it or not your children do respect you unless you give them reasons not to (like being a total doormat or being unreasonably rigid). Let them know what you expect and they will try to live up to those expectations.
Starting when they were at about age twelve I let my sons know that their mom and dad’s mission as a parent was to see that they developed into responsible adults. I also let them know their mission was to develop into responsible adults. I often told them, “Your mom and I have not succeeded as parents if you like being here with us so much that you are still living with us into your thirties. We have succeeded once you have developed a career, are living on your own, have found a spouse and are starting families of your own.”
I also let them know that at 12 they had ten years to prepare to be adults. That meant they had to be serious about their education. They had to master mathematics through algebra, know how to write clearly and effectively in English, and understand the basic principles of science. History and social studies was important, as well. They did not have to be number one in school, but they had to be comfortable with all subjects taught there. If they discovered they had a weakness in one field of study they needed to work harder in that field than in the field they found simple and enjoyed most. If they screwed their education up, they would go through life dependent on other people.
I also stressed they needed to think about what type of career they wished to pursue as adults. Part of being a successful adult was being able to earn enough money to live comfortably on your own. You did that through your job, so look for something you like doing, you are good at, and that pays well. In your teen years it is easy to prepare to get that job because you have time to prepare. If you wait until you are 18 or 21, it may be too late to get the training you need. I decided to become an engineer when I was 14, so I took all the math and hard science courses I could in high school so I could get that engineering degree in college, even though those were my worst subjects. If I wanted to be an engineer, I needed to master those subjects.
I was not a “you have to grow up and be a doctor” parent, however. I did not tell them if they did not become a professional – doctor, lawyer, engineer – they were failures. I did point out plumbers and electricians made good money, and so did many others in a wide range of careers. I did tell them whatever career they pursued they should aim to be the best they could be in that field. I also suggested preparing higher rather than lower was the smart course. If you decided to be a doctor and prepared for that, you could still become an insurance salesman if later you decided that was the career you wanted. However, if you were set on being an insurance agent and then at 19 decided maybe being a doctor would be more fun, you would find yourself well behind because you lack the preparation you needed.
Nor did I discourage them from going into the arts, careers such as being a writer, artist, or performer. I did point out that the vast majority in those fields earned almost nothing, while maybe five percent hauled in big bucks. I was starting my writing career at that time, and pointed out how relatively little it brought in. I also pointed out it was something I could do evenings and weekends and that art, acting, and writing could start off that way until you had a solid foundation.
The point was whatever direction they wanted to go, the should start now, and they should aim at something that allowed them to be independent. I also assured them that as long as they were making progress to that goal, Mom and I would have their backs.
Do you think your kids don’t listen to you, and don’t want to live up to your expectations? You are wrong. They may die before admitting it, but most children are hardwired to impress mom and especially dad. Even in my adult years, as long as my dad was alive, when I pulled off something big and good I would call him up to tell him. Even in my 50s, I wanted his approval. Set expectations. They will surprise you in how hard they work to exceed them.
We also spent their teen years developing their life skills. When they got teen jobs, they also got teen bank accounts. I showed them how to balance a checkbook and how to set up and stick to a budget. Mom taught them to cook and how to fix things including using basic tools. (That might sound strange, but she was the one into home repair and carpentry. I got her a router for her birthday one year for her woodworking.) I showed them how to do auto repair and maintenance. They learned how to change a lock on the front door, repair a broken window, change the oil on a car, and change a tire. They could do things as basic as changing a light bulb to as involved as laying down flooring.
Most important, we let them make mistakes. Mom and dad encouraged them to do things on their own and we did not swoop in the moment things started going wrong. If they asked for help, we provided it. If they did not? I use to tell them good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. Making mistakes is inevitable once you leave what you are familiar with and move into the unfamiliar. I told them if they didn’t make a fool of themselves at least once a week they weren’t trying hard enough – just don’t make a fool of yourself the same way twice.
We did not do what some of our siblings and friends did. We never told them there would be plenty of time before they grew up and they could worry about being adults then. We did not cushion them from failure or from life’s difficulties. We certainly never told them life was fair. We did not try to be their friends. We were always their parents, and until they did leave the house, what we said went. We demanded respect and honesty from them, and would not compromise on that.
The older two soon learned that if they did something wrong their best course of action was to fess up to dad and take their lumps, but never to lie to me or mom about things. The youngest one was a slower learner, but even he eventually tumbled to the fact that punishments were always harsher if he lied to me – and often if he had just admitted what he had done, there was often no punishment.
Things did not always go smoothly. I was far from the perfect dad, and I made mistakes. But when I did, I admitted my error to them, made it right (if I could), and apologized for it. We had the typical fights between parents and children, but there was a lot less teenage rebellion than I expected. Perhaps that was because they did not feel they needed to separate themselves from us to develop their own identities. We were their allies on their quest towards independence, not their adversaries.
Maybe we just got lucky, but I think we made some of that luck.
Oddly, all three ended up as engineers, like their dad, although in three different fields. Even more amusing (to me) as adults they have become close friends. Once free of the parental obligations to raise them and once they are on their own you have the freedom to become friends with them. My middle son and I have worked on books together. The oldest is as wonkish about airplanes as I am about ships, and we share tastes in science fiction. My youngest is my IT department, a job he willingly accepted after my pervious IT head – my wife – died.
It really is the best in life.
Published in General
Spend your formative years on the Wheel Of Pain and see how nuanced your worldview turns out.
;-)
Hey, @tocqueville, you are the one got me to write this.
Good man.
I love when you talk about your family, @seawriter. You must be incredibly proud of your sons. They may not have turned out perfect, but they pretty darn near did!
I did tell my son recently that I will consider my life a success if he is a man of God.
He asked even if he starves to death after moving out. I said yes.
Of course, we both know I want him to know how to feed himself, too. We’ll work on dumpster cooking just in case.
And thank you for doing so! I hope I am doing things right: mine are 7, 5 and 1.5. They set the table and clean their room (except the one who’s 1.5 obviously) and they are nice to each other. Hoping to graduate to greater responsibility.
I love this part:
Such an achievement. I want only that in life.
I moved three thousand miles from home to start college in a new country, and I still send my dad pictures all of my essay feedback/grading sheets, and messages when my work gets selected for competitions. (Admittedly, my parents weren’t 100% sure about my chosen major or university, so it’s also a way to say that I made the right choice).
Is it possible that the most important thing is not bringing them up to be liberals? The whole “finding yourself” doctrine which puts the self before everything else is what leftism hinges on.
I really think that is a huge stumbling block. I am nearly 40 and the people I have known who have done the best in life are the happiest, and they are also the most conservatively (small c) raised (even if they aren’t actual real life conservatives. I know hardly any real life conservatives except on Ricochet! LOL!)
We had just one, and we visited him and his wife (and our two amazing grandsons) last week. They have good jobs, are doing a great job with the kids, and are already financially independent, as long as the insane pandemic issues don’t cost either of them their jobs; I don’t envy them their mortgage payment. Unfortunately, they don’t share our political outlook, but when I think back to myself at that age (mid-late 30s), all hope is not lost.
BTW, did I mention our amazing grandsons?
That is a simple fix. If they state a desire to go out and “Find Themselves” the only appropriate answer is, “Fine, but you do that on your own damn dime.” That attenuates foolishness right quick.
That, plus bucking the clear intent of Callsign: Dad usually is fraught with peril.
Pretty much what I told mine. Along with I would never stand in their way if they chose to find themselves. After all you cannot find yourself with someone else bankrolling you.
Of course, there is always the existential perspective:
I endorse this wholeheartedly. In fact, while not congruent in every detail, it is close enough that I might file off the serial numbers and … well, not claim it as my own, of course, but maybe send it to my ‘kids’ (43, 40,34 — hardly kids) and ask if any of it sounds familiar.
I have been known to advocate for not worrying about how to raise kids, worry about raising adults.
And get your kids a copy of The Richest Man In Babylon. It is one of the most accessible money management books around (despite – or perhaps because of – its age) and appears to be available free on Amazon in an electronic version, at least today.
It’s always free on Archive.org.
https://archive.org/details/RichestManInBabylon_650
If yer kids are really lazy, here’s a chapter-by-chapter summary:
http://www.gutenberg.us/articles/the_richest_man_in_babylon_(book)
What a drag they aren’t conservatives. I am so grateful to be on the same page as my parents and sister. We are all very close, having gone liberal to conservative together. I think my parents should bless their stars I married a French guy who listens to Bannon’s podcast religiously. Imagine, I keep telling them, he could have been some snobby Green Party guy.
One thing we did, which, okay, the kids were raised already but it gave them perspective: As a joke/not joke that started with the eldest, each of the kids, their senior year in high school received a top shelf set of Samsonite luggage as their “big” Christmas present. The not so subtle message tended to help clarify their minds.