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Handy translation guide for film reviews
Hate to burn two hours on a movie? Are you scarred from scenes you’d rather have missed? Here is a list of common movie review words and phrases–and what they tell you about what is actually in the film.
“Sweeping” Uneven and confusing timeline. May shift back and forth between eras.
“Epic” Thirty minutes too long.
“Fresh, modern take” The author is spinning in his grave.
“Coming of age film . . . ” Contains uncomfortable sequences of adolescent sexual experimentation. Avoid.
“Inspirational” Maudlin.
“Daring” A sailor would blush.
“Brave” Your assumptions will be so challenged, you’ll walk out of the theater halfway through.
“Saucy” Women saying a bunch of crass and obscene stuff
“Irreverent” Prepare to have all you hold dear profaned on the big screen.
“Realize they are drawn to each other” Adultery is a central plot point.
“Hilarious” If you can overlook the lewd premise–oh, wait, that’s the funny part.
“Torn between the man she loves . . . ” Follow your heart, folks. We can’t say that too many times.
“Outrageous” Over-the-top plot, for a jaded audience.
“Sweetly charming” Yawn. Skip it.
“Bound to be a cult classic” It’s kind of weird and hard to follow.
“Quirky” It was justly panned by audiences.
“Idyllic” Contains disturbing scenes of violence and witchcraft in a country setting.
“Offbeat” Strange and boring.
“Exploration and discovery” WARNING: not sci-fi.
“Bold” Has a graphic sex scene during the first five minutes.
“Witty” Raunchy.
“A classic the whole family will love” Has child actors making comments that would have gotten your mouth washed out with soap.
“A pulse-pounding thriller” Contains gratuitous gore.
“A movie for all generations” A guarantee that Grandma will not like it.
Published in Entertainment
“Critically acclaimed” – the public hates it, but the elites will nominate it for a “Best Picture” Oscar . . .
So how do they describe the movies that are actually good?
they don’t make those anymore
“Staid . . . weighed down with its own virtue.”
“Breathtaking” Plodding story with clumsy anachronisms. Beautiful cinematography, though!
“Surprisingly raw and honest” Banned at porn film festivals.
“Unflinchingly real” Causes PTSD in viewers.
“Gritty” – so cynical and depressing that you will need a suicide hot line before you leave the theater.
Oh, so true!
Superb list. Very funny and exactly true.
Both those euphemisms are so sad. Rest assured, you ever read “Mongo died suddenly” or suddenly found peace, it was homicide, not suicide.
Helloooo? @titustechera, where you at?
That would be my preferred epitaph.
Have you ever considered an epitaph, besides perhaps “Mongo died suddenly”?
I did see an obituary many years ago where an 87-year-old woman was described as having “died unexpectedly”.
She was 87. How much of a shock could it really have been?
If I heard Boss Mongo had found peace, I would first think they meant it in the Roman sense.
Being struck by a meteor would be unexpected. Also lightning or a bullet.
Well, to tell you the truth, I had found peace in a non-metaphorical way! Nobody be alarmed, I was just reading Plato’s Laws–I’ll get back to that later.
As the resident scholar of ancient wisdom, I have to bestow some benefits on my fellow Ricochetti. First, notice that a good third or so of the euphemisms are simply things that should be censored. We’re stuck with coming up with jokes about things we would be humiliated to know our friends or children are involved in. I guess I should laugh that the libertarian streak of conservatism has been abused by “let your freak flag fly” liberals; I guess I could warn you that soon liberals & Progressives will be using this weakness in conservatism to popularize incest, possibly delaying that to popularize polygamy first. But let’s not get to close to political dispute & the indignation it inevitably involves.
Secondly, notice that liberalism is as whole a form of rule by euphemisms. Everything becomes the air-quote version of what it used to be. Why shouldn’t critics lie this way, when the Supreme Court redefines–do your own air quotes, people–family as “family”, marriage as “marriage”, man & woman as “man” & “woman,” & indeed life as “life?” The news has mostly peaceful protests leaving vast destruction, violence, & even murder in their wake. Why not critics?
Rule by euphemisms means liberals dare you to notice they’re lying to your faces; but then if you look at conservatives, they too will defend Game of Thrones, also known as the rape & incest show. So why not? Liberals win by dividing conservatives, setting the ones who want to be approved of in popular culture (especially the kids, especially the urban conservatives) against the ones who don’t. The former are mad to think they’ll ever be respected or invited to participate in the culture; the latter are mad to think defeat & retreat is a solution. That’s the point, they’re driving us mad. It’s good to laugh at liberalism, so far as it helps us stay sane & recognize the truth; but it could be bad if it encourages us to resignation or arrogance.
This is what the ancients taught. Read Plato’s Laws, you will see that the first education is Musical. Teaching kids how to do well that which they enjoy doing–dance & sing. These playful things are nevertheless imitations of serious actions, of adult life, of everything beautiful. America has exported this to youtube, tiktok, & all sorts of other debasing things. Conservatives may disapprove, but they prefer to abandon America than learn how to deal with democracy, to say nothing of technology. (This is leaving aside the conservatives who are slaves to technology because they do not dare believe conservatism might be true & good.) Of course, even more important in the domain of the muses is poetry–the stories & images children love & which enter their hearts, often stay there for life, now mostly movies & computer games. (Think also about how people can still love the rock music of their teenage years…)
So I agree with all the witty comments above & I believe the criticism implied in them can be articulated as I have done above. Perhaps people will be able to agree to this statement & we can see in this way what we have in common, which seems to be harder & harder these days for those of us who aren’t Progressives…
The conclusion writes itself: America is a nanny for American kids. Maybe their families should raise them, but they don’t want to; or can’t. It’s outsourced to school & tech gadgets, & there’s no school this year. Conservatives can provide that nanny–or liberals can keep doing it, as they did with TV, in the previous generation. These are the alternatives given our new digital technology. Adults could learn how to judge music, movies, &c. not just with a view to their own fun, or their own moral sensibility, but with a view to the nation, the kids, & the next generation. At any rate, that’s Plato’s advice. Also, it’s your patriotic duty to go see Tenet six or seven times–nobody’s as desperately trying to save America & civilization through cinema.
“Liberal” is a coöpted term used as a euphemism for Progressives and libertines. It has a real meaning, just as these other words do, and this ain’t it.
As soon as conservatives stop calling liberals liberals, I’ll talk to you about this matter at length. For the time being, let’s leave it at saying, illiberal liberalism is the only variety on offer in America. Or elsewhere, that I know of…
“Exploration” (as in “This film is an exploration of…”) Cultural imperialism.
Maybe reviewers don’t use that term so much as promoters and producers do. But film is not a medium for “exploration.” Filmmakers don’t learn new and unfamiliar stuff in making a film. The learning is over by then. They already know what they know, and now they’re portraying it the way they think you should see it.
“Mongo died violently, knee deep in expended brass and discarded hand grenade pins.”
Yeah. That works.
Epitaphs are not usually the subject of jokes, but how about, “Here lies Mongo after leading a mostly peaceful life”?
Is that something like mostly winning the election?
Winning the popular vote.
How about 93 percent of the majority of electoral votes?
No, that’s for losers.
You don’t think Democrats wouldn’t consider that a sufficient amount? We’re talking about the people who think 93 percent peaceful riots means they are nothing to be concerned about.