If I Were a Pirate, I’d Steal Thy Heart

 

If I were a pirate, I’d steal thy heart,
For something must a pirate steal, matey.
Ah, talking this way is not such a start.
No, no, we must discourse matters weighty,
Such as how to get representation
Of damsels fair of form in pirate crews
And thus to improve the pirate nation.
No people stands for long without it woos.
And men alone get up to deviltry
When left to their devices comical,
They turn their hands to outright ribaldry
And vile pursuits far more inimical.
Left are we to mull over thy beauty
And how that begets thy solemn duty.

It’s Talk Like a Pirate Day once more, a foolish bit of frippery. What better way to address one bit of foolishness than with another? Are you a participant in this ersatz holiday?

Besides that, few have signed up for group writing this month, on what I consider a wonderful cue for writing. If you don’t want to hear more of this, go sign up. Only you can stop me!

Published in Group Writing
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  1. CB Toder aka Mama Toad Member
    CB Toder aka Mama Toad
    @CBToderakaMamaToad

    I try to talk like a very well educated pirate at all times. I take no prisoners; I listen to no guff.

    • #1
  2. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    CB Toder aka Mama Toad (View Comment):

    I try to talk like a very well educated pirate at all times. I take no prisoners; I listen to no guff.

    That sounds fair to me. What is funny is that the common “pirate dialect” is just a West Country dialect from England, because that is what a certain movie star used while playing a pirate.

    • #2
  3. CB Toder aka Mama Toad Member
    CB Toder aka Mama Toad
    @CBToderakaMamaToad

    Arahant (View Comment):
    What is funny is that the common “pirate dialect” is just a West Country dialect from England, because that is what a certain movie star used while playing a pirate.

    Tell us more!

    • #3
  4. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    CB Toder aka Mama Toad (View Comment):
    Tell us more!

    I’m lazy. I’ll link, instead:

    http://dialectblog.com/2011/05/24/pirate-accent/

    • #4
  5. CB Toder aka Mama Toad Member
    CB Toder aka Mama Toad
    @CBToderakaMamaToad

    t’anks matey…

    • #5
  6. She Reagan
    She
    @She

    No if’s, ands, or buts about this one:

    • #6
  7. Doug Kimball Thatcher
    Doug Kimball
    @DougKimball

    Aye mate, these months and months and months at sea,

    Setting, hauling, avoiding bos’ns  whip

    Where nary but my mates for company!

    A life aboard a blackguard Captain’s ship,

    Blown about that great blue disk in time

    Nary a quarry to raise a seaman’s hope.

    I for one seek not a life of crime

    But of liesure, sweet water, bath and soap.

    And yet here I am, a predatory lad

    Aboard a ship with eyes for any prize,

    Where no welcome port of any kind be had

    And none but mates with whom to fraternize.

    Methinks thy purpose seeks more than just the just.

    Methinks thy purpose has more to do with lust.

    • #7
  8. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    She (View Comment):
    No if’s, ands, or buts about this one:

    But I note he’s gone all Johnny Depp on his hairstyle.

    • #8
  9. She Reagan
    She
    @She

    Arahant (View Comment):

    She (View Comment):
    No if’s, ands, or buts about this one:

    But I note he’s gone all Johnny Depp on his hairstyle.

    Yes, unfortunate that IMHO. 

    Dad was the Pirate King in his (rather more traditional) school production of the Pirates of Penzance.  One of his costume pieces was a heavy velvet cloak, which, being a rather imposing figure at quite a young age, he very much enjoyed.  At one point, he swirled around himself, knocked all the footlights into the orchestra pit, injuring a couple of the players, and ringing the curtain down while first aid was applied.

    Just more proof, as I’ve said here before, that things didn’t happen to Dad, Dad happened to things.

    • #9
  10. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    She (View Comment):
    Just more proof, as I’ve said here before, that things didn’t happen to Dad, Dad happened to things.

    He was quite the whirlwind.

    • #10
  11. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    I’m trying to convince the cats to talk like a pirate, but the closest they’re coming is, “Purrrr, Meowy!”

    • #11
  12. She Reagan
    She
    @She

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I’m trying to convince the cats to talk like a pirate, but the closest they’re coming is, “Purrrr, Meowy!”

    The sound right before a hairball appears could reasonably be described as “Arrrrrr!”  I think.

    • #12
  13. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    She (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    I’m trying to convince the cats to talk like a pirate, but the closest they’re coming is, “Purrrr, Meowy!”

    The sound right before a hairball appears could reasonably be described as “Arrrrrr!” I think.

    Uh, okay, maybe I don’t want their sounding like pirates.

    • #13
  14. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Arrrrrrrr . . .

    • #14
  15. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Stad (View Comment):

    Arrrrrrrr . . .

    So eloquent.

    • #15
  16. KentForrester Moderator
    KentForrester
    @KentForrester

    So you, Mr. Pirate, think that pirate ships should have women on them!?  Do you also think that the women pirates should do their share of the plundering, raping, and pillaging? That is, should women, swords between their teeth, fight on the front lines? What’s your opinion, Mr. Pirate?  Sounds very progressive to me.  You haven’t been watching CNN, have you?  

    • #16
  17. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    You haven’t been watching CNN, have you?

    No.

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    So you, Mr. Pirate, think that pirate ships should have women on them!?

    Will we or nill we, they were there.

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    That is, should women, swords between their teeth, fight on the front lines?

    I’m for it.

    • #17
  18. KentForrester Moderator
    KentForrester
    @KentForrester

    Arahant (View Comment):

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    You haven’t been watching CNN, have you?

    No.

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    So you, Mr. Pirate, think that pirate ships should have women on them!?

    Will we or nill we, they were there.

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    That is, should women, swords between their teeth, fight on the front lines?

    I’m for it.

    I suppose it’s possible that  in a sword fight, a woman with décolletage like that might distract her opponent and eviscerate him before he knew it. 

    • #18
  19. Hank Rhody, Badgeless Bandito Contributor
    Hank Rhody, Badgeless Bandito
    @HankRhody

    Arahant, I think this is the best poem I’ve seen out of you.

    • #19
  20. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    KentForrester (View Comment):
    I suppose it’s possible that in a sword fight, a woman with décolletage like that might distract her opponent and eviscerate him before he knew it. 

    Exactly.

    • #20
  21. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Hank Rhody, Badgeless Bandito (View Comment):

    Arahant, I think this is the best poem I’ve seen out of you.

    All I can say is that so far three people have signed up to take dates for Group Writing. If nothing else, it’s quite successful.

    • #21
  22. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    Arahant (View Comment):

    CB Toder aka Mama Toad (View Comment):
    Tell us more!

    I’m lazy. I’ll link, instead:

    http://dialectblog.com/2011/05/24/pirate-accent/

    And the Robert Newton/Disney Treasure Island is still the best Treasure Island.

    • #22
  23. PHCheese Inactive
    PHCheese
    @PHCheese

    Pirates have worst record in baseball.

    • #23
  24. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    Pirates have worst record in baseball.

    It’s the peglegs. Makes it hard to run the bases.

    • #24
  25. Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosopher Contributor
    Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosopher
    @HankRhody

    Percival (View Comment):

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    Pirates have worst record in baseball.

    It’s the peglegs. Makes it hard to run the bases.

    You ever try to catch a fly with a hook for a hand?

    • #25
  26. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosop… (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    Pirates have worst record in baseball.

    It’s the peglegs. Makes it hard to run the bases.

    You ever try to catch a fly with a hook for a hand?

    And no depth perception due to a missing eye?

    • #26
  27. Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosopher Contributor
    Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosopher
    @HankRhody

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosop… (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    Pirates have worst record in baseball.

    It’s the peglegs. Makes it hard to run the bases.

    You ever try to catch a fly with a hook for a hand?

    And no depth perception due to a missing eye?

    Even if you get it you have to wrench it off the hook before you can throw it back. 

    • #27
  28. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosop… (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):

    Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosop… (View Comment):

    Percival (View Comment):

    PHCheese (View Comment):

    Pirates have worst record in baseball.

    It’s the peglegs. Makes it hard to run the bases.

    You ever try to catch a fly with a hook for a hand?

    And no depth perception due to a missing eye?

    Even if you get it you have to wrench it off the hook before you can throw it back.

    And, really, baseball  is best played on land.

    • #28
  29. Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosopher Contributor
    Hank Rhody, Freelance Philosopher
    @HankRhody

    Eustace C. Scrubb (View Comment):
    And, really, baseball is best played on land.

    Which is outside the Pirate’s natural habitat. You take an Indian or a Tiger and see how he pitches on a rolling deck. A gunner’s mate though, he will know.

    The Brewers would do okay, I’d think. Plenty of experience walking on swaying legs.

    • #29
  30. Zafar Member
    Zafar
    @Zafar

    Go gay pirates!!

    • #30