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CBS to Reboot Cop Show
It has come to my attention CBS is going to reboot its TV cop show “S.W.A.T.” in support of the defund the police movement. Using my Hackmaster 3000 computer located deep in the bowels of the StadCave, I managed to snag the script of Episode 1, Bland Theft Auto:
[The show opens with a man holding a gun on another man who’s sitting in a car with the motor running. The man with the gun dials 911.]
Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency?
Man with gun: I’m Frank Johnson, and I caught a guy trying to steal my car. I’m holding him at gunpoint. Send the police. I’m at 123 Main Street. He looks desperate. Hurry!
Dispatcher: I’ll send a SWAT team right away.
Johnson: Isn’t that a bit much?
Dispatcher: No sir, it’s just what you need.
Johnson: Whatever you say.
[Minutes later, Johnson hears the screech of tires. He looks and watches as a minivan screeches to a halt at the curb. Two women emerge. Instead of carrying guns, they carry purses and clipboards.]
First woman: I’m Jill Friday, and this is my lov—uh . . . partner, Belle Gannon.
Johnson: I thought they were sending a SWAT team.
Gannon: We are SWAT—Social Worker Action Team. Now, what seems to be the problem?
Johnson (shaking his head in disbelief): I caught this guy trying to steal my car.
Friday (to man in car): Is this true, sir?
Man in car: Yeah. So what?
Gannon: What’s your name, sir?
Man in car: My friends call me Mad Dog.
Friday: Why do you need this gentleman’s car, Mr. Dog?
Mad Dog: I’m going to buy some smack for my old lady. She’s expecting any day now, and she’s too lazy to get it herself. My car broke down, so I needed a working set of wheels. Figured I’d rob a couple liquor stores on the way to get money to pay for the stuff. Also figured I’d sell the car to the dealer to get a little smack for myself, you know.
Friday: I see. [Jill holds up a clipboard] Sir, if you will fill out these forms, I can enroll you in a government-sponsored vocational training class and—
Mad Dog (angry): I ain’t got no time for no stinkin’ anything! I gotta get some smack!
Gannon (to Johnson): Sir, I must ask you to put down your weapon. This may be what’s upsetting Mr. Dog.
Johnson (now angry too): I’m the one who’s upset! This dude is stealing my car!
Friday: Please sir, put down your weapon.
As Johnson lowers his weapon, Mad Dog floors it, hitting Jill and Belle in the process.]
Ka-BUMP! Ka-BUMP!
[Johnson rushes to the pair of broken bodies lying in his driveway.]
Johnson: Are you okay?
Friday (looks up and speaks in a weak voice): Call 911.
[Johnson whips out his phone.]
Johnson: Hello, this is Frank Johnson again. Social workers down. I repeat, social workers down, send help! You are? Okay.
Friday: What did they say?
Johnson: They’re sending another SWAT team.
Friday: I wanted an ambulance!
Johnson: And I wanted a cop! How does it feel now?
Next week, the SWAT team of Jill Friday and Belle Gannon go after terrorists holding a statue of Thomas Jefferson hostage. Don’t miss Episode 2, Islamic Lives Matter.
Published in Humor
Great stuff, Stad. I laughed out loud more than once. I don’t do that too often.
Get a mirror. I laugh out loud every morning when I look in it . . .
Riveting! My heart was pounding like a big….pounding thing.
Could we add some songs a la “Cop Rock”?
SWAT: The Musical
Has a ring to it . . .
Very realistic fiction, but it could very well be fact in Portland, Oregon under mayor/police commissioner Ted Wheeler.
One of the things about comedy and humor in general is there’s usually a kernel of truth involved. Even ethnic humor has its place because while the kernel of truth itself may be false, the humor plays on what people see as the truth . . .
No, ALWAYS. Humor requires a ring of truth or it falls flat. It’s why a joke about Bill Clinton and women is funny, but the same joke about George Bush wouldn’t be. And you are very funny. Because the scene you describe will probably happen. And that is not funny. Hah.
I always hesitate to use the word “always.” How’s that?
But yes, good humor has a grain of truth behind it. Sometimes people don’t think something is funny because they either disagree with the underlying truth, or find it offensive because it hits too close to home. I bet the people who really want to defund the police and replace them with social workers wouldn’t find what I wrote funny at all – tough. Ridicule administered by satire can be an effective weapon against rampant stupity . . .
In the case of successful humor, you can use this word.
And I thank you! Always . . .
Aha! Another valid use for this word