Contributor Post Created with Sketch. From the Twitter feed of Kim Jong Eun, @youthcaptain….

 

I’ve been doing these for about a year, off and on, in the pages of National Review.  This one is from a year ago, when @dearleader was still around and Kim Jong Eun — @youthcaptain — had just been named his successor…

From the Twitter feed of Kim Jung On, @youthcaptain 

Hey!  So this is Twitter?  Prtty cool.  Wondering if @aplusk or @mrskutcher will follow me.  Hello? 

Heading to big mttng of Com. Party of NoKo.  Will prbly become new leader.  So why am I already like, NBFD?

First order of bidness: remove porn filter from nation’s internet. 

@youthcaptain is now the Mayor of North Korea #foursquare

Wondering if they’ll ever let me host SNL?  #lettheyouthcaptainhost

Hard to understand what a dad wants.  Have tried to be all OMG! OMG! about being new leader of NK, but seriously, big surprise?

Spent day looking at self on youtube. Have come to realization that black is not slimming.  #neednewlook

@organizingforamerica  Love the website.  Jealous of the loyalty of your followers.  Wish we had the same kind of press here in Noko.

Can’t decide if Youth Captain is a cool nickname or if it makes me sound gay.  What do you say, Tweeps?

How many rooms does this place have, anyway? Every time I think I’m getting to the video game room, I end up in another party assembly room.

Played golf with dad today.  Mentioned to him that in rules of golf, each stroke is counted individually.  Got silent treatment rest of round.

Pls RT!  Pls RT! Need to get to 10mill followers by Tuesday.  Made bet with @dearleader. 

Day of parades.  Lots of synchronized dancing.  Marching.  Meh.

Only way to get through big party conference? Imagine all the chicks naked.

So tired of dad’s criticism.  Am trying to look menacing, but my features are too round.  Why not love me for me?

Psyched for Glee season opener.  Wish I didn’t have to watch it in underground bunker.

Do not think dad knows exactly what “whose your daddy?” means or when it’s appropriate.

Let this be a lesson: heavy kimchi lunch plus sitting still during my dad’s speeches does not equal awesomeness. 

I check in at PRESIDENTIAL PALACE #gowalla

To all the girls who wouldn’t go out with me when I was in school in Switzerland: who’s sorry now? #larosey

Apparently, I look fat in all of the official photographs.  Thanks, Dad, for pointing that out.  #astrokedoesn’tgiveyoutherighttobeunsupportive

When u know u can have someone executed for looking at u funny, hard to resist.  Not asking for sympathy, just saying.

Wondering why @barackobama is following me for, if he’s not going to answer any of my DMs.

Memo to synchronized games choreographer: put hotter chicks closer to dais next time.  Thought we had a food shrtge in NoKo? Not evident from some dancers.

Long chat with dad re: expectations and demonstrating affection.  His dad very withholding.  Understanding him better.  Good talk.

Have asked generals several times to see cool death star plans dad talks about.  Get awkward silence and strange vibe every time.  What’s up with that?

Bear in mind: Cheetos plus black jumpsuit equals black jumpsuit covered with orange dust.

Hey, @leodecaprio! Wld luv to get 2gether 2 talk about filmmaking and the environment and whatevs.  And to commiserate re: fame issue.  Try being the only celebrity!

Do not understand why NeNe and Kim are suddenly friends again.  Everyone forgot Kim’s betrayal re: Don’t Be Tardy for the Party? #realhousewivesofatlanta

Saw a red button on desk.  Pushed it.  Then everyone ran in and had total CRAZY SCREAMING FIT.  Then don’t put the button on my desk with a light in it!

Woke up today and thought, so is this all there is?  Eat, listen to speeches, give speeches, eat, listen to more speeches, give speeches, eat, sleep, repeat?  Make me want to declare war on China.

Apparently, official photographs can’t have Bluetooth device visible.  Once again it’s Dump On Youth Captain day.  Not liking this job so much.

Getting dirty looks from generals every time I open up my iPad.  I promise, it’s just solitaire!  Not the WSJ app.

Another day of boring meetings and speeches.  Was promised more stuff to fiddle with on desk.  Today, same cookies as yesterday.  #thiscountryneedsbettercookies

Hard to form a rock band with sixty year-old army general on drums.

Just learned that they won’t let me go to the Oscars this year, even if I’m nominated.  This country sucks.

Another long talk with dad re: my attitude as it relates to possible coup.  I think he’s overreacting.  On the other hand, noticed toaster suspiciously close to bathtub this AM.

Tried to get through another long day of speeches without going nuts.  Went down the line, imagined all girls naked. Then got to mom.  YIKES.

There are 12 comments.

Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.
  1. dogsbody Inactive

    Beautiful. Laughing at laptop in Panera Bread #nowpeepsthinkimnuts

    • #1
    • December 19, 2011, at 11:08 AM PST
    • Like
  2. FeliciaB Inactive

    LIKE! I remember reading this on printed paper and laughing out loud! And I’m ashamed to admit that I keep thinking these are real tweets from @youthcaptain.

    • #2
    • December 19, 2011, at 11:09 AM PST
    • Like
  3. FX Meaney Inactive

    Hilarious!

    • #3
    • December 19, 2011, at 11:15 AM PST
    • Like
  4. tabula rasa Member
    tabula rasaJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Classic comment on totalitarian societies: “Woke up today and thought, so is this all there is? Eat, listen to speeches, give speeches, eat, listen to more speeches, give speeches, eat, sleep, repeat? Make me want to declare war on China.”

    • #4
    • December 19, 2011, at 11:37 AM PST
    • Like
  5. Ottoman Umpire Inactive

    Another long talk with dad re: my attitude as it relates to possible coup. I think he’s overreacting. On the other hand, noticed toaster suspiciously close to bathtub this AM.

    And weirdly enough, the Dear Successor has “New Toaster” on his Amazon Wishlist. Hmmm….

    • #5
    • December 19, 2011, at 11:39 AM PST
    • Like
  6. Frozen Chosen Inactive

    The classics are always worth repeating. My kids wonder why I laugh when reading NR…

    • #6
    • December 20, 2011, at 2:05 AM PST
    • Like
  7. Translucent Inactive
    Ottoman Umpire
    Translucent: At first I found it somewhat comical when I looked over the comments that Kim Jong Eun put on twitter (It seems like he possesses the intellectual maturity of a 9th grader). Dec 19 at 11:33am
    I imagine Rob Long takes umbrage at the “somewhat comical” assessment, because they’re supposed to be 100% comical. And fake, of course. · Dec 19 at 11:37am

    Yea, I guess that my post was a little gloomy as a comment. I had just read some other article on North Korea and listened to the story being mentioned on TV. My post was more or less the accumulation of my opinions from what I’ve heard before hand.

    • #7
    • December 20, 2011, at 4:15 AM PST
    • Like
  8. Ottoman Umpire Inactive
    Translucent

    Ottoman Umpire

    Translucent: At first I found it somewhat comical when I looked over the comments that Kim Jong Eun put on twitter (It seems like he possesses the intellectual maturity of a 9th grader). Dec 19 at 11:33am
    I imagine Rob Long takes umbrage at the “somewhat comical” assessment, because they’re supposed to be 100% comical. And fake, of course. · Dec 19 at 11:37am
    Yea, I guess that my post was a little gloomy as a comment. I had just read some other article on North Korea and listened to the story being mentioned on TV. My post was more or less the accumulation of my opinions from what I’ve heard before hand. · Dec 19 at 3:15pm

    I think a safe way to contemplate the Hermit Kingdom — what it is and where it’s going — is with a heavy dose of really low expectations.

    • #8
    • December 20, 2011, at 6:31 AM PST
    • Like
  9. Translucent Inactive

    At first I found it somewhat comical when I looked over the comments that Kim Jong Eun put on twitter(It seems like he possesses the intellectual maturity of a 9th grader). However, after thinking on it I actually find it a tad bit disturbing. This level of incompetence for the so called successor of Kim Jong Il would pretty much guarantee that he will become a puppet of whoever is to become to become the real leader North Korea(I’ve heard rumors that might be his relative who is married to one of the high ranking generals of North Korea). I suspect even the possibility that North Korea will become more militant with the rise of its new actual successor, not less. I don’t know, I suppose only time will tell whether the death of Kim Jong Il will be a step toward eventual unification of the Korean Peninsula or the inevitable path toward a war where atomic weapons will in a likelihood be used. Other scenarios are possible(perhaps even probable) but these are the most polarizing I could think of.

    • #9
    • December 20, 2011, at 12:33 PM PST
    • Like
  10. Ottoman Umpire Inactive
    Translucent: At first I found it somewhat comical when I looked over the comments that Kim Jong Eun put on twitter (It seems like he possesses the intellectual maturity of a 9th grader). Dec 19 at 11:33am

    I imagine Rob Long takes umbrage at the “somewhat comical” assessment, because they’re supposed to be 100% comical. And fake, of course.

    • #10
    • December 20, 2011, at 12:37 PM PST
    • Like
  11. Grey Lady Inactive

    Thanks for posting this, Rob. It’s fun to read again.

    • #11
    • December 20, 2011, at 12:57 PM PST
    • Like

Comments are closed because this post is more than six months old. Please write a new post if you would like to continue this conversation.