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Occam’s Chainsaw
Early on in my time in the military I had a senior NCO tell me never to bring him a problem unless I had an idea for a solution. As you might guess, that kept a lot of people out of his office crabbing about everything from warm egg salad to having to change the oil in the motor pool. But, it’s a useful approach to life, and more importantly, when you analyze a problem often times you see patterns and eventually, novel but simple solutions. Think of it as Occam’s Chainsaw.
Will Rogers is credited with saying that some people learn from the mistakes of others but that “other folks have to pee on the electric fence.” Shocking, I know. But the fact is if you look at the coverage of Portland on Twitter (because other than Fox and OAN, there is no coverage in the mainstream media), here’s what you learn. Every day thousands of actual protesters show up carrying signs, being peaceful. Every day a bunch of communists shows up behind them, carrying everything from explosives to loaded magazines. When the actual protesters get tired and go home, mayhem unfolds until the early morning hours when the feds break up the party with tear gas, rubber bullets, and the occasional thwack upside the head with a baton. As a parenthetical note, I would like to see more thwacks and less tolerance, but I’m just that kind of guy. The “wall of moms,” “wall of costumed vets,” and “wall of dads” (most of whom are not) act as buffers to give the real rabble the chance to engage the federal officers with violence and then whine about the arrests. The women put on an unconvincing act. Last night I saw a woman kick and hit a federal officer and then act shocked when she was arrested for assault, claiming she was a “nice girl for Wisconsin,” although the expletives that followed seemed to negate that narrative.
Getting back to Will; maybe the feds should consider buying a bunch of Super Soakers and filling them with India ink. Not the stuff that fades, but stuff that’s nearly indelible. Then instead of using that fence in the manner it was intended, throw some of the same stuff farmers use to keep cattle inside on that fence and crank up the power to about 20 volts. Not enough to kill someone, but enough to get their attention. The counter to this, of course, is rubber gloves, which would come the next night. But it would be delightful to see people trying to push that fence get zapped for their troubles. And the next night, when the gloves come out, so does the India ink solution (saltwater based) and the super soakers. Not only will you be able to readily identify the nincompoops who are destroying government property, you might just get them a little “charged up.” Of course, having a wall of cops and enough people to block off escape routes would make it much easier to arrest and detail all the inked idiots who could then be charged. Their bail should be conditioned on not coming within 10,000 feet of the courthouse, too.
Another idea: BBs. Yes, the same things Ralphie shot from that Red Ryder, but only about 400,000 of them in buckets. When the morons start to charge the wall, roll out the BBs, and make sure to get it on camera because it will be great footage for America’s Stupidest Criminals.
The next night, break out about 5 ccs of Ethyl Mercaptan. You won’t need much. But put it in a few of those super soakers and start spraying it around those knuckleheads. Someone is going to recognize the smell of leaking gas, and most of the cowards will run for the hills. And, if they don’t, then hose them with it. It will be as good a marker as the India ink when it comes time to arrest the property destruction crew.
Now, none of these are lethal, and none of these are harmful. Sure, they’d be unpleasant, but they wouldn’t be the kind of thing that would irritate a federal judge. One would think having your workplace assaulted 60 nights in a row would be rather annoying, but judges are, to their credit, trying to be fair, I guess. But, as far as the fireworks go, it’s time to find the source of these munitions and make some arrests. By now if you’re selling mortars to someone, you know what’s happening with them. They need to go down for conspiracy to commit armed assault. I’m sure the ATF has a charge or two they could use.
And, finally, in addition to glasses that refract the lasers, equip the officers with the most fearsome weapon known to people who use lasers: parabolic mirrors that can aim the beams right back at the sender. Sending a few of these mutants to the Home for Sightless Simpletons would send a very strong message about using lasers to blind people. The law of Circumnavigation: that which goes around, comes around.
Published in Policing
Once, anyway.
Maybe the Israelis will lend us some …
I love the way Efraim grins when he says “very bad smell.”
Great example of bureaucratic thinking:
This is one reason why the Left’s promises of utopia, once the bureaucracy has total control, is never fulfilled.
You should check out Malcolm Jameson’s Bullard Reflects.
If it’s a good, dangerous laser, why would you need a parabolic mirror?? Wouldn’t a flat mirror be far more effective, and cheaper? A parabolic mirror would disperse the beam and render it harmless, right?
We’re going to be calling in the pun police, right @rightangles?
Marbles are pretty cheap, too. You can usually get a bunch at the dollar store. Bet the Feddle Gubmint could get great pricing.
I was about to recommend Skunk Juice!
Anthony L. DeWitt
I believe you mean cube-corner reflectors, the things that are used in the reflectors on your car.
On this one I must quibble. A misdirected reflection might blind a passing bird or squirrel.
It’s funny…the score is Pedantic Nerd 1, Lawyer 0. I should be happy. But I’m not. Instead I am looking all over the Internet for another Science Error by a Lawyer, in every seedy bar in every dicey neighborhood, searching for that high that will bring back that first great rush…
Anthony, tomorrow I’m gonna be different, and you can type whatever approximately correct physics reference you want, if it supports the main idea, and you will never again get sniped at, not by me anyway.
You’re evil. I like that about you.
I also like Chekov’s chainsaw, too. If you see a chainsaw on a table in Act I, it will be applied to something, or someone, in Act III.
I’m stealing the phrase, “Occam’s Chainsaw,” by the way. It’s brilliant.
Caltrops could be fun
I love the ideas in this post, but based on some of the things that bubble up from the federal judiciary, those people are irritated by all kinds of things a normal person wouldn’t think would irritate them.
And when will the ground be better prepared? After 90 days of rioting? 120?
I don’t know, I think Anthony is on to something. When I was a kid, my best friend got sent to camp every summer. He came back one year with a story about a bully and a little guy who was his favorite target. The kid quickly got fed up with the harassment. One night, he took two tubes of toothpaste, removed their caps, then slipped into the bully’s tent while he was asleep. He slid the end of each tube into the guy’s nostrils and squeezed.
The bully’s first thought was to annihilate the little guy, but then he thought better of it. Anyone who could come up with something that evil was just not worth messing with.
The problem with incrementalism is the other side survives to adapt.
I had a boss who always had a standard first response when you brought a problem or a complaint: “What do you want me to do?” I liked his approach and I think it worked well.
Y’know, something occurs to me. All the actions Anthony recommends to the Feral gov’t are equally if not more in the capability of small informal counter-insurgency groups. We hear so much about the dreaded White Militia (is it ok to capitalize it here?), so where are they?
@sisyphus You gotta break a few eggs…ya know.
Maybe the problem is the “actual protesters…being peaceful.” If they’re for real, you’d think they’d realize that they’re basically being used as human shields. If they’re not complete moral defectives, they should find that appalling and refuse to be used in such a way. If they stop showing up, they stop providing cover for the evildoers. Given that chain of logic, since they keep showing up, the peaceful protesters are either idiots (quite possible) or willing accomplices. If the latter…well, that skunk juice stuff sounds pretty good.
@markcamp I didn’t think you were sniping. I figured you had a better understanding of light physics than I did. I once wrote what I thought was an outstanding argument in a brief and had the secretary proofread it for spelling, punctuation, etc. She came back to me and said “I think ya got a problem.” I had my back up, a secretary telling me I was wrong! Turns out my argument was self-refuting and it took about 10 seconds for her to do the explanation and the mic drop. Ugh. So, for heavens sake, my friend, when a guy is wrong, he’s wrong. If a man is not humble enough to admit that from time to time he says stupid stuff, he shouldn’t be writing. Oh, and there’s no worse pedantic nerd than me!
@richardfulmer that’s kind of you to say. Steal away.
It would be easy to fabricate a folding version. But I might experiment with mylar and a spring-loaded frame.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4vYq31cpyc
If there are federal agents on the scene, a proper militia is not unless deputized for some reason. When the federal government resorts to such measures, we are undeniably at war.
If they are still there when missiles are thrown and LEOs are assaulted, they are actual rioters, protesters are leaving or have left. You will know them by their actions.