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Washington Post: Cancel the Texas Rangers!
It’s not just the Redskins and the Indians anymore. An editor from the Washington Post wants the Texas Rangers canceled. No, not the law enforcement Texas Rangers. (Well yes, actually. Them too.) The baseball team.
The Rangers were set up by the Republic (later the State) of Texas to enforce the laws, including the laws supporting slavery. Therefore, the name has to go. The history is sound. The reasoning based on that history a little less so. Slavery was legal in Washington DC before Abraham Lincoln signed the DC Compensated Emancipation Act in 1862. It took a little longer to re-establish federal control over the State of Texas, but that happened too. However, feelings have been hurt, and we cannot allow hurt feelings.
But if we are going to start renaming teams, the Rangers are only the starting point. Long Island has Rangers; are we renaming them too? Piracy was intimately involved in the slave trade — there goes the Pirates, the Buccaneers, and the Raiders. Bad news for Michigan State too. The Spartans enslaved the Messenians; all the Messenians. The name has got to go. And Portland? Yeah, “Trail Blazers” brings to mind the early settlers who stole this entire continent from the original inhabitants. Shame on you for your implicit imperialism, Portland. Yankees (hated the world over), Sooners, Vikings, Patriots, Pioneers; so many problematic names that we should just rename the lot.
But now, we need new names. I’ve come up with a few.
The Snowflakes.
The Participation Trophy Recipients.
The Hair-Bun Wearing Man-Babies.
Do you have any suggestions?
I almost forgot. Guess the first name of the brave WaPo editor who has issued this demand. Go on. You can do it.
Published in Humor
Just plain nuts.
That’s fast service. Must explain the premium.
Again with the negative waves, Moriarty!
Too on the nose.
The Lawn Chairs
The Panty Waists
The Charmin Softies
The Jello Persons (can’t use Men…)
The Masks
It could go viral.
Or, just “The Viruses.” Hmmn…
The Bacteria
The Pathogens
The Prions
And the Pittsburgh Pirates.
For virtually everyone with roots in Georgia, the Trail of Tears was basically an epic family squabble.
Hmmn, maybe some unions or professions could be teamnames?
The Teamsters?
The Abortionists?
The Executioners?
The Pilots?
The Astronomers?
Or, to drive icy fingers of fear into the other teams: The Math Teachers!
Seattle had the Pilots for a single season — 1969. Then they moved to Milwaukee and became the Drunks … umm … the Brewers.
When you capitulate through weakness, they go for your throat. Redskins should never have given in.
To quote a very eloquent song, “Screw you. We’re from Texas. We’re from Texas, so screw you.”
The Rangers came into existence primarily to kill those murdering people, the Comanches. The Comanches most assuredly needed killing.
You aren’t kidding, the Comanches were brutal. Just read “Empire of the Summer Moon.” Texas Rangers were specifically task organized and trained to take on the Comanches.
Sheer poetry.
And here I thought they came into existence because Bob Short couldn’t put fans in the seats in DC. Live and learn.
This one?
I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. Here’s $75 bucks doc. Collect the other $75 from that other guy.
So…. my Reds are safe, amirite?
I don’t know. If Trump wins in November he might be looking for some payback.
The Commies? Sure.
Yeah, the drunks are the fans.
The Swamp-Dwellers.
Don’t forget the University of Southern California’s Trojans! Not only did a high-ranking nobleman among them abduct and rape a woman, but it’s taking a people from modern-day Turkey who were brutally massacred in a genocidal war and using them as a mascot.
Wait. This is making sense to me now. When I was seven I received a book of essays on the different teams in the American League and, being in the DC area I read up on the Senators. The selected piece was one by longtime Post Baseball and sports writer Shirley Povich, the father of Maury Povich the renowned husband of Connie Chung. It spent its precious space in this prestigious book bad mouthing Bob Short in every imaginable way. Some of the other essays were more shiny or less shiny but still hagiographical, but Shirley wrote a pure hatchet piece and four years later Short left town and took his team with him.
But haters gotta hate and driving him and the team away was not enough. The Povich curse runs so deep that now they are after the Rangers team name, the last surviving legacy of Short’s tenure. Because, having achieved world peace and unity and eternal life, precious column inches can be shifted from Democracy Dying in Darkness to Karens whining about a team named after the heroes that brought law and order to Texas.
Hopefully, the Post and Karen will not be in need of police ever again. Because police remember this stuff. As they well should.
Has the Washington Post ever published something that perhaps might warrant them getting cancelled? That might be a worthy pursuit and turn the table on these “wokethoritarians.”
Honestly, we’re all thinking way too small. There are so many, many more mascots waiting to be canceled that the ones already listed – one just has to think like a Lefty. (That is, not think.)
BALTIMORE RAVENS
Why is it a raven? Because it’s black? Systemic racism!
BOSTON CELTICS
Lots of police are Irish! Defund the poilice!
CAROLINA HURRICANES
Stop climate change denial now!
CHICAGO WHITE SOX
Why are their sox white? End white privilege!
DALLAS COWBOYS
We should never celebrate the rape and pillage of the American west!
DETROIT PISTONS
Eliminate the internal combustion engine, or humanity will go extinct!
EDMONTON OILERS
Our addiction to fossil fuels must end today!
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
We must dismantle the military-industrial complex!
HOUSTON ROCKETS
Rockets killed thousands, no, millions in the Republicans’ unjust wars!
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
Colts, as in guns? End gun violence now!
KANSAS CITY ROYALS
End class privilege! We are the ninety-nine percent!
LOS ANGELES ANGELS/NEW JERSEY DEVILS/NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
This is Christian propaganda! Separation of church and sports!
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS
We must encourage green lifestyles! How dare you?!
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
And just what are these clippers full of? Slaves!
LOS ANGELES DODGERS
Cheating on taxes should not be encouraged!
LOS ANGELES KINGS/SACRAMENTO KINGS
Why kings and not queens! Down with the patriarchy!
MILWAUKEE BREWERS
Encouraging underage drinking and drunk driving is irresponsible!
NASHVILLE PREDATORS
End violence against women! #MeToo!
NEW YORK GIANTS/SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
Gigantism is a disease that causes physical pain, social isolation, and early death!
NEW YORK JETS/WINNIPEG JETS
Jet planes contribute massive amounts of carbon pollution! Canceled!
ORLANDO MAGIC/WASHINGTON WIZARDS
We must respect the beliefs of Wiccans and other minority religions!
PHILADEPHIA 76ERS
The founding of the United States was the greatest crime in the history of the world!
SAN DIEGO PADRES
The Catholic Church committed genocide in the California missions!
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
A glorification of environmental decimation and the white man’s avarice!
SEATTLE MARINERS
Just what are they sailing for? Colonialism!
TENNESSEE TITANS
This is vulgar cultural appropriation of Greek religion!
WASHINGTON NATIONALS
Nationals? You know how liked Nationalism? Hitler!
Disgusting! We should just ban sports altogether and take the money Americans use on it and give it to… GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES!
Dallas already removed the Ranger statue from the airport. Big mistake. When you give in to the left, the left just wants more.
Not surprised. As someone who grew up in Fort Worth, I can tell you… Dallas ain’t Texas.