My Congressional Testimony: No Fluke!

 

I’ve been hearing so much about the congressional testimony of Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown law school student who went before congress to solicit the help of the American people in financially supporting her recreational pursuits, that I had a dream that I had actually been called to testify before a congressional committee:

Chairman:  Do you swear that the testimony you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and the USDA approved truth, so help you Obama?

Me:  You bet your franking privilege it is.

Chairman:  Please proceed

Me:  Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen of whatever committee this is, ladies and gentlemen of the press, friends, Romans, countrymen and assorted varmints, I’m not here to represent myself.  I’m here on behalf of thousands of truckers who can’t speak for themselves because they couldn’t get through security.   These are people who daily suffer an injustice that affects their health as well as the health of the people around them, or at least those down wind of them.  I see it in the truckers’ faces, which haven’t seen the business end of a razor or a bar of soap since the Obamas’ last trip to Martha’s Vineyard.  I see it in the faces of the people in proximity to these overly ripe professional drivers, …people whose eyes roll upward as they pass out, ladies whose perms flatten as they wait in line to pay for their gas and twinkies.  I see it in the flowers and plants that flop over as these aromatically challenged coffee chugging road warriors walk by.

You see, the average cost of a truck stop shower has gone from $5 in 2004, to a whopping $12 in 2012.   It now cost more for the driver to perform personal hygiene than it does to eat dinner, assuming he’s a bad tipper.  Now, let’s assume that the average driver takes five days off per month and therefore has no need of truck stop facilities on those days.  That leaves 305 days of the year during which, if our driver aspires to bathe at least once per day, that he will avail himself of the sumptuous luxury of a moldy truck stop shower.  At a cost of 12 bucks per wash, his hygienic standards will cost him $3,660 per year!  If he is paid at an average rate of 38 cents per mile (as a company driver), he will need to drive 9,631 miles per year (or three trips between Portland, Maine and Los Angeles, California) just so he can afford to keep from knocking people out.  Since most drivers average around 10,000 miles per month, that means almost an entire month is spent paying for the cost of showers.  And the injustice doesn’t end there, oh pampered people of the pastel puff.

What if our driver decides that some days he’d rather eat than bathe?  What if he comes up short at the end of the week and can’t afford a shower?  Just last week, a driver told me he had to stop bathing because he just couldn’t fit it into his budget anymore.  Of course he didn’t have to tell me.  Someone opened the door behind him and the wind swooshed by him and over me.  But it’s okay.  They tell me my eyebrows will grow back pretty quick.  And pray tell how in the name of Old Spice is a driver supposed to avail himself of all the free contraception out there if the object of his affection won’t get within three time zones of him?

Some might respond that showers are available in other ways.  That’s just not true.  Have you ever tried to stand outside in a rainstorm with a wash rag in one hand and a squeeze bottle of Axel in the other, looking like a speed limit sign with no numbers, without getting thrown in the hoosegow?  Ever tried to use a hubcap as a mirror?  And while it is true that most truck stops offer free showers if you buy 50 gallons of fuel, most of the time you have to fuel and keep driving until the end of the day, so your shower goes the way of Dodo.

No sir, this is a health issue just as plain as the poor law school student who needs the help of the collective to fund her extracurricular activities, because if the truth be known, it’s the trucker that is getting screwed here.  He won’t recoup his costs after he passes the bar exam.  Hell, they won’t even let him anywhere near a bar!   That’s where you, as the people’s master…I mean representatives, come in.  What we need, good sirs and ma’ams, are free showers.   If the taxpayers don’t like the way we smell, then they can pay a little extra to clean us up like proper civilized folk.  Call it an odoriferous incentive.  Call it the Stinky Toll.   Call it the Pepe Le Pew Burnt Nose Hair Act, I don’t care.  Just free us of the inordinate burden of having to actually balance our needs and wants against our available resources in an adult fashion.  After all, you freed yourselves of any such requirement long ago.  

There are 30 comments.

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  1. Profile Photo Member
    @WyleeCoyote

    Anyone who opposes the Safe Trucker Empowerment & Non-Costly Hygeine Act is obviously in the pay of Big Soap.

    • #1
  2. Profile Photo Inactive
    @MafutaKizola
    Wylee Coyote: Anyone who opposes the Safe Trucker Empowerment & Non-Costly Hygeine Act is obviously in the pay of Big Soap. · 14 minutes ago

    I heard the act include a mandate for all Americans to buy ”Apricot perfumed bathing gel”.

    Brilliant article … maybe someone could get Steven Crowder to do a sketch using it.

    • #2
  3. Profile Photo Member
    @DaveL

    That was great Dave! A good way to start the morning. I have shared it with some of my friends.

    • #3
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    @drpete

    The best way to fight absurdity is with absurdity.  Great job, Dave.  And humor doesn’t hurt either.

    • #4
  5. Profile Photo Member
    @

    Delightful!!!  (The post, that is.  Not the smell of all you truckers.)

    • #5
  6. Profile Photo Podcaster
    @DaveCarter
    Tom Lindholtz: Delightful!!!  (The post, that is.  Not the smell of all you truckers.) · 1 minute ago

    It gets worse as the price rises.  I think some of the drivers are trying to make a statement.  For others, it’s just another way of saying Good Morning.  

    • #6
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    @DanielSattelberger
    AUMom: Dave, thanks for making me laugh instead cry.  · 12 hours ago

    I laughed and cried; laughed because it’s great satire; cried because the real world is hardly more ridiculous.  Thanks, Dave.

    • #7
  8. Profile Photo Member
    @Reese

    Har!  And I laugh in sympathy and shake my head over our priorities.

    As one planning a 5000 mile trip for this May in an RV with the wife and inlaws, it is a nervous laugh. 

    Shoot.  Twelve bucks used to buy (yes, in my time– I’m 47) a motel room with COLOR TV. 

    • #8
  9. Profile Photo Member
    @AUMom

    Dave, thanks for making me laugh instead cry. 

    • #9
  10. Profile Photo Podcaster
    @DaveCarter
    Reese: Har!  And I laugh in sympathy and shake my head over our priorities.

    As one planning a 5000 mile trip for this May in an RV with the wife and inlaws, it is a nervous laugh. 

    Shoot.  Twelve bucks used to buy (yes, in my time– I’m 47) a motel room with COLOR TV.  · 3 minutes ago

    That’s nothing.  Today it will get you weak water pressure, a quick scald whenever someone in the building flushes, enough mold to cure several diseases, a thermostat that keeps the room cold enough to store sides of beef, and if you’re lucky, one hook upon which to hang everything.  It’s the life I tell ya!  

    • #10
  11. Profile Photo Inactive
    @wilberforge

     Friends, Romans, countrymen and assorted varmints and variants of things that scurry about in the shadows and dark of night. Now that might be an address to Congress.

    My general disposition and dark sense of humor prohibits further comment on the young womans testimony.

    • #11
  12. Profile Photo Member
    @RonSelander

    Well put, Dave.

    Again, you’ve said it all!

    • #12
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    @flownover

    It was a fluke.Sandra, supposedly a 23 yr old law student ( and who isn’t ? )turns out to be a 1/3 older feminist actris.We bin pnkd

    • #13
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    @MelFoil

    There might be a little paperwork involved, but ironically, there are some Catholic Churches with great big baptismal fonts…very big…where you can get dunked for free. No insurance required. You just have to accept Christ and renounce Satan. Piece of cake. Speaking of cake, stay for snacks. They’re free too.

    • #14
  15. Profile Photo Contributor
    @GeorgeSavage

    Dave, you just need to organize your fellow long-haul truckers into a bloc voting group.  If Obama thinks you are essential to his November electoral prospects then you will at least be promised everything you could possibly want for free.

    • #15
  16. Profile Photo Thatcher
    @CuriousJohn

    Another Classic from Dave

    drpete: The best way to fight absurdity is with absurdity.  Great job, Dave.  And humor doesn’t hurt either. · 2 hours ago

    drpete: The best way to fight absurdity is with absurdity.  Great job, Dave.  And humor doesn’t hurt either. · 2 hours ago

    • #16
  17. Profile Photo Podcaster
    @DaveCarter

    Hang on, I thought Catholics sprinkled and Protestants dunked. Truck parking is imperative too. Did you mention food?

    • #17
  18. Profile Photo Inactive
    @WhiskeySam

    Dave, if our paths ever cross, remind me to sit upwind of you.

    • #18
  19. Profile Photo Inactive
    @MelFoil
    Dave Carter: Hang on, I thought Catholics sprinkled and Protestants dunked. Truck parking is imperative too. Did you mention food? · 20 minutes ago

    Some Catholic Churches have the dunk option. It’s what you might call “old style.”

    • #19
  20. Profile Photo Podcaster
    @DaveCarter
    George Savage: Dave, you just need to organize your fellow long-haul truckers into a bloc voting group.  If Obama thinks you are essential to his November electoral prospects then you will at least be promised everything you could possibly want for free. · 30 minutes ago

    I suppose we could circle the White House, put some industrial fans behind us, and chant, “Yes we can.”   After all, if trumpets worked at Jericho…  

    • #20
  21. Profile Photo Contributor
    @Midge
    Dave Carter  And pray tell how in the name of Old Spice is a driver supposed to avail himself of all the free contraception out there if the object of his affection won’t get within three time zones of him?

    Yes, that is the question, innit?

    There’s only so much a vigorous swipe with a moist wipe can do. Why, I remember once…

    • #21
  22. Profile Photo Inactive
    @Doc

    This is wonderful.  I think Rush Limbaugh was going for a similar effect, but he fell a little short.

    • #22
  23. Profile Photo Member
    @

    I loved this!  If SNL were comprised of honest comedians willing to skewer any side of an issue, they would do a similar parody on tomorrow night’s show.  Not holding my breath though….

    • #23
  24. Profile Photo Contributor
    @Midge
    concerned citizen:  Not holding my breath though…

    On the other hand, if they can’t get their showers…

    • #24
  25. Profile Photo Inactive
    @RawPrawn

    My own policy recommendation would be to get motor vehicle insurers to provide free gasoline.  Just think about all the problems that would just go away.

    I don’t think this should extend to diesel.  You truckers are only in it for profit and however high the price of diesel you will simply gouge shippers, and through them, the entire community.

    • #25
  26. Profile Photo Member
    @CharlesMark

    Sounds to me like BO might have your number!

    • #26
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    @reidspoorhouse

    Wait, I thought this was serious? Truthfully, though, I think it is more of a health issue to be clean than to have birth control, unless of course you believe pregnancy is an illness. If it is an illness, it might be the only illness that is at times deliberately contracted.

    • #27
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    @iWe

    Seems to me that there is a market solution: truck stop chains should issue vouchers to the truckers who buy more than X gallons of fuel. So a trucker might fuel up in Ohio, and shower in West Virginia.

    • #28
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    @Astonishing

    Remember when a truck stop rest room was just about the only place one could, without embarrassment, acquire that certain plasticky prophylactic?

    But seriously, and I am serious about this, as a practical matter of political demographics, what greater bang for the buck than a few taxpayer dollars spent on contraceptives for free-thinkers like Ms. Fluke? Do we really want her to reproduce?

    • #29
  30. Profile Photo Thatcher
    @CuriousJohn

    Those Capitalist Pigs  !!   They make you purchase 50 gallons of fuel for shower time.  It is obvious your shower lifestyle is a right and the showers should be mandated, to be free to you! The righteous think to do; would be for the Truck Stops Organizations across America to be forced to providing showers at no cost to anyone using their rest stops, and of course, not pass the hidden cost on to others using the Truck Stop.

    • #30

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