The Weekly Standings: Warm Bucket of Spit Edition

 

Hank Howdy: Hello and welcome to the Weekly Standings. I’m chief analyst Hank Howdy.

Bob Spwortz: And I’m your host, Bob Spwortz. Along with Kurt Kurtsson at the tracking board, we’ll be following the most exciting Vice President competition in US history to the very end. Last week’s leader Amy Klobuchar has taken some hits after suggesting that all Minneapolis police officers should be tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail.

Hank: Angering Democratic activists who want every cop in the country drawn and quartered.

Bob: It also turns out that she declined to prosecute one of the officers involved in the Floyd case for a shooting in 2006.

Hank: Yes, it turns out that she blatantly followed the rule of law, paid attention to evidence, and went with the recommendation of a grand jury; all of these are of course anathema to Democrats.

Bob: She did show a shocking lack of prescience about events that would happen 14 years in the future.

Hank: Yes, Democrats are known for their ability to see into the future. President Clinton did an amazing job predicting that Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania would be surprisingly close in 2016.

Bob: Meanwhile, in this reality, how is Klobuchar doing, Kurt?

Kurt Kurtsson: Under 1 percent this week, Bob.

Bob: Wow! That’s a huge decline. How about last week’s number two, Gretchen Witler?

Hank: Whitmer.

Bob: Oh right, Whitmer. I don’t know why I keep messing that up.

Hank: Governor Whitmer was a media darling after her response to the State of the Union address. Unfortunately, her response to the COVID-19 crisis has been heavy-handed and inept. She began by signing the order for mandatory social distancing in a packed room where no one was masked. She’s threatened honest business owners with arrest and loss of their licenses, and suggested that people could learn to cut their own hair on YouTube. Finally, her husband tried to use his position to cut in line to get his boat maintained, and she tried to cover it up.

Bob: Kurt, what’s the score for Frau Whitmer?

Kurt: Under 1 percent this week, Bob.

Bob: Also way down. Let’s move on to Stacey Abrams, author of bodice rippers and occasional state representative. Her main qualification seems to be that she lost an election.

Hank: To be honest, she is a minority candidate from a battleground state, and is a favorite of national media. If you throw in enough smoke and shadow, she’s somewhat photogenic. Unfortunately, she’s also a delusional loon.

Bob: Kurt?

Kurt: Under 1 percent this week, Bob.

Bob: Also down. How about Kamala Harris?

Hank: She’s a Person Of Color™.

Bob: That’s it?

Hank: She’s from California, which would vote for a bag of rocks with the letter “D” on it, so she’s not going to be any help there. She used to be a prosecutor, and law enforcement in general is not very popular right now; who knows why. Also, she seems to have really low support with African-American males for some reason. Plus she was really nasty to Joe Biden in one of the debates and ran an awful campaign.

Bob: Kurt, what’s the number on Kamala?

Kurt: Under 1 percent this week, Bob.

Bob: Holding steady! Who else? Kirsten Gillibrand?

Hank: A person of no color from a state that would vote for a bag of flaming dog poop with a “D” on it. She does have one advantage over every other candidate, though.

Bob: What is that?

Hank: She’s the only candidate with less of a personality than Joe Biden.

Bob: Kurt?

Kurt: Under 1 percent this week, Bob.

Bob: Next is Elizabeth Warren.

Hank: I’ve run out of bag jokes, so let’s just say she’s not going to be an asset, electoral college wise. She does have her Native American heritage, and is the most popular candidate among HOA presidents, middle-school vice-principals, gender studies professors, and an oddly specific category, divorcees named Karen.

Bob: OK…

Hank: Unfortunately, she is absolutely detested by everyone else.

Bob: So how is Elizabeth Warren doing?

Kurt: 1/1024th of 1 percent this week, Bob.

Bob: Is anyone doing better?

Hank: Sarah Eaglefeather.

Bob: Who?

Hank: Sarah Eaglefeather is a school nurse’s aide at Cochise High School in Flagstaff, Arizona. She’s Native American from a battleground state. She has a degree from Coconino Community College and is working on her Bachelor’s of Nursing.

Bob: Okay…?

Hank: She does have an advantage over all the other candidates we haven’t mentioned. She is as well-known as any of them but has none of the negative baggage.

Bob: So, Sarah Eaglefeather. What’s the number on her, Kurt?

Kurt: 1.1 percent this week, Bob.

Bob: Wow! We have a new leader on the board! Well, that’s it for this exciting edition of the Weekly Standings. Tune in next week for another report on the twists and turns of this thrilling competition. Along with Kurt Kurtsson and Hank Howdy, I’d like to wish you a pleasant evening. Stay tuned for an incredibly special edition of Bull Work, as rancher Charlese Yikes has an in-depth discussion of the best type of ditch to store bull manure with Frenchy Goldstraw of Ditch Patch.

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  1. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    JosePluma: Sarah Eaglefeather

    Is that your wife or something? 😁

    • #1
  2. JosePluma Thatcher
    JosePluma
    @JosePluma

    Arahant (View Comment):

    JosePluma: Sarah Eaglefeather

    Is that your wife or something? 😁

    No.

    • #2
  3. KentForrester Moderator
    KentForrester
    @KentForrester

    Mornin’ guys.  Well done, Jose.  

    • #3
  4. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    JosePluma: Gretchen Witler?

    LOL!

    JosePluma:

    Bob: Holding steady! Who else? Kirsten Gillibrand?

    Hank: A person of no color from a state that would vote for a bag of flaming dog poop with a ‘D’ on it. She does have one advantage over every other candidate, though.

    Bob: What is that?

    Hank: She’s the only candidate with less of a personality than Joe Biden.

    Stop it, you’re killing me!  Hahahahaha!

    • #4
  5. Unsk Member
    Unsk
    @Unsk

    Great Synopsis of the candidates and very informative. Learned a lot. A good primer for the Great Joe Biden, a man of unassailable integrity, unquestionable honesty, pristine morals, and unswerving patriotism with an  incisive, articulate, sharp as a tack  intelligence  focused like a laser beam on all the critical issues,   to pick his running mate. Wow, these were all  great candidates. I’m sure that any one of these would be a great running mate partner  for the honorable Mr. Biden, plus some of them might even be able to give our next President some extra unofficial but very welcome benefits that would  make Joe fully comfortable while in office as well.  You know the great man does have his needs.

    Speaking of Joe, some thought Joe would wrap up  the nomination on June 2, but June 2 came and went with little media fan fair for  his allegedly great triumph. How sad.  It is truly disgusting how there  is so much media bias these days for them not to report  this great news. Some reports say the Great Joe now has 1861 out of the 1991 delegates needed to wrap it all up.  I guess we will have to wait a few more days for that glorious event. We can all see what a great leader Joe  has been in bringing the country together in the last few days in these times of such great anxiety. 

    • #5
  6. The Scarecrow Thatcher
    The Scarecrow
    @TheScarecrow

    Why doesn’t Joe just pick the one person we know is innocent of any wrongdoing of any kind, and is, according to Joe, of absolutely pristine character – Hunter. If he’s not actually doing anything with the Ukrainian company anyway, maybe he could use the gig.

    • #6
  7. RightAngles Member
    RightAngles
    @RightAngles

    last weeks number 2, Gretchen Witler?

    Hank: Whitmer.

    OMG hahahahaha! Well done, the whole thing.

    • #7
  8. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    The Scarecrow (View Comment):

    Why doesn’t Joe just pick the one person we know is innocent of any wrongdoing of any kind, and is, according to Joe, of absolutely pristine character – Hunter. If he’s not actually doing anything with the Ukrainian company anyway, maybe he could use the gig.

    The Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates must not reside in the same state.

    • #8
  9. The Scarecrow Thatcher
    The Scarecrow
    @TheScarecrow

    RightAngles (View Comment):

    last weeks number 2, Gretchen Witler?

    Hank: Whitmer.

    OMG hahahahaha! Well done, the whole thing.

    Oops, yes, I agree – very funny and well done!

    • #9
  10. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Arahant (View Comment):

    The Scarecrow (View Comment):

    Why doesn’t Joe just pick the one person we know is innocent of any wrongdoing of any kind, and is, according to Joe, of absolutely pristine character – Hunter. If he’s not actually doing anything with the Ukrainian company anyway, maybe he could use the gig.

    The Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates must not reside in the same state.

    Hunter’s got his baby mama’s address in what?  Oklahoma?  Arkansas?

    • #10